School Christmas Card

[PreciousParent]

There is context here... My son is severely disabled and just started a new special school. This was forced through a tribunal and he had nowhere else to go. It is very clear the school are incredibly angry about this. My son is not violent or trashing classrooms - he is kind and funny but very language delayed. He needed to be on a part time timetable to be phased in, however there were disagreements about how long he should be in school (with me wanting more hours).

There have been multiple incidents with the school singling him out and not allowing him to join in stuff. The latest has really upset me though. My younger son (same school) came home with a little order form where you order Christmas cards and magnets with a design they've made - so I ordered some. I didn't receive my eldest's form so emailed the school to ask if they could put it in his bag. They said he didn't have one because the whole class did it in the afternoon when my son was scheduled not to be there.

There are 7 children in the class and up to 7 staff members. There were whole slots every week where my son was in the classroom not doing the scheduled activity (e.g. swimming in case he 'might' suddenly and randomly become violent - no history of this, even though swimming is on his EHCP) where he could have made the Christmas card. Or they could have all done it in the morning - it's a therapeutic class so the timetable is incredibly flexible. From early October he was attending until 2.30pm so they must have scheduled the Christmas card activity in the last half an hour of school, knowing he was the only one not going to be there.

This is the first year he's understood and excited for Christmas :(

AIBU to think this was a deliberate choice to exclude him and that they don't really see him as part of the school?

Our school uses the company called cauliflower who seem good.

I've ordered some cards with a design my son drew. What are all your thoughts on giving the teachers one of his designed Christmas cards at end of term? My DH doesn't think it is a great idea.

That is so sad OP.

Of course you would give the teachers one of his designed cards, it doesn't have to be some kind of passive aggressive point. It's just something special he's done at home.

How is he at school? Is he happy there?

He wanted me to laminate his original drawing he was so pleased with it.

We have had a mixed response from him about school so far, it's very hard to get much info out of him because he's so delayed. Sometimes he cries about having to go into school and bites himself but other times he is very happy to go.

At my primary we made sure every single child did their card. If they were off sick or it wasn't their day in or if they couldn't be persuaded at the first attempt we found another time to attempt it. There were TAs doing one on one Xmas card drawing all over the school that week. We have lots with additional needs. Everyone got a chance.

This is awful op, not so much the card but how they have made it clear they don't want him there.

Why, have they articulated what the actual problem is? Sounds so upsetting for you to have 2 dc with sen and an unsupportive school.

Are there any teachers who you feel you could approach to raise your concerns?

Oh bless him, it's so sad that you don't feel he's been properly welcomed and accepted.

@PreciousParent regards to the Christmas card - reality would be they had forgotten about him. There’s no excuse for not having done it, as PP said, in mainstream they had to do 30 and remember which children were off sick to do it another day. I work 1-2-1 with a child who is only in for an hour a day, he still got the opportunity to draw his. The deadline was very early this year.

However, your child has potentially another 8 years there and you already have one child attending. I would call a Best Interests meeting with the Head and Senco to ‘clear the air’. I’ve been in a similar situation where I went to tribunal.

I wish you good luck as I know what a bloody challenging life you have.

As an art teacher who's used one of these companies - most of them now have ways to add your own image online. I've always had a kid or two with nothing despite spending weeks trying to get everyone. (For me, it's generally when a kid has been uncooperative, but it does happen.) And I'll be honest, if it's been made in a specials class he doesn't to to due to therapy, shortened time scale, etc... that teacher may have forgotten simply because they don't normally see your son. (I have a few in that case and while I try my hardest, when you see 400+ kids a week... sometimes it gets missed.) If this is the case, unless that teacher has given you reason to believe it was intentional, please give them the benefit of the doubt because again, every kid in the school. (Now, their classroom teacher who knew and didnt check in, they're a different story.)

But really, check the company's online website. Most now allow parents to add their own images, which may solve this easily from an object stand-point. If not, try another company. Art to Remember and Square 1 art are two well known brands I've used with much success, though they may be US based.

So sorry to hear your son missed out on the Christmas cards activity and glad you were able to help him do one at home. I used to have a management/ SLT role in a school for pupils with SLD/ PMLD; we often had pupils admitted via tribunal and no matter what everyone’s personal views on the suitability or otherwise of the placement we would have clamped down immediately on any unprofessional behaviour towards the pupil or their parent/ carers by staff. It sounds like you feel there are issues with both management and classroom staff, is there a possibility you could meet with the head or the executive head (if it’s an academy) to discuss your concerns? Or even ask if the local authority can facilitate a meeting to try and improve things? You said he’s eleven but I assume he’s not moving to another school next September?

I'll also add, sometimes these companies require that when you turn in the artwork to be scanned, that it is a specific size on specific paper. One of thr companies I used required it to be specific pre-labelled paper, which blew my mind. Any redoes had to be cut and glued on the original... it was really quite obnoxious. It could explain why they didn't pick another drawing he had. Now, why they didn't scan it in online if that's an option... I dunno. But if this is run by 1 person for the entire school, I would try to be more patient with them.

Overall, start with finding a way to get your son a version, as a way likely exists, then deal with the school staff.

I think it's unlikely that they've made a conscious decision not to let him do the card in an effort to exclude him, but I can understand how it could feel that way.

I expect they've either forgotten him as he wasn't there, or as the school seem to have him there under protest, have instructed staff to work to their bare minimum obligations. If their position is still that they can't meet his needs, they won't want to be seen to be able to adapt things to include him.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

It's an all through school, so unless something goes seriously wrong he should be there until adulthood.

It is really strange how different they are with him compared to my younger son. My younger son is very challenging if I'm honest - throwing things, climbing all over the classroom, getting himself wedged behind the school wendy house and not coming out, smashing toys and attempting to eat the batteries, my older son is honestly nothing like that!

I know rationally he was probably just forgotten but with all the other stuff it is starting to feel so personal.

He's full time now and his attendance is excellent so hopefully there should be no more excuses and he'll be involved in everything.

Im going to be honest op the relationship with the school isn't great. My own child was struggling they said they couldn't meet his needs that he would have to go on a reduced timetable,he had lashed out i suspected bullying. I tried to get him into an EMS but it would be a battle as places as so limited. I moved him to a school with an ems but he would go under as main stream. Best move I made he's settled in he no longer scales the fence to get out. He is more regulated. He goes into the classroom where as his old school he wouldn't go in. He's like a different.child. I wished I moved him sooner tbh. He's been there over a year and is thriving.

Hi OP, I'm really sorry to hear that whether intentionally or unintentionally, your eldest son has been left out of the class photo.

This won't address the issues, but may I suggest a quick DIY fix? This is what I would probably do...

There's a lot of programs on the computer that are free and relatively easy to use (removebg, canva) but of course if you are skilled with other programs or know someone who is, feel free to use one of them... I would get a photo of your son, remove the background, open up canva, take the scanned photo of the class (if you have one, when I went to elementary school a million years ago, if you happen to miss class photos, you still got a class photo, maybe they don't do that anymore)... Then add your son into the photo. You can adjust the layers, or even play with the photo a little bit, editing brightness and saturation etc of your son to match the class photo.

You can take a drawing that your son has done, and use it as the background, or incorporated into part of the design.
And then you can get that printed and put it on your fridge or framed or wherever you would put it, to make him feel included (if you think that would be beneficial.)

When I was a kid, a couple of times in elementary school for one reason or another I missed out on class photos, I don't recall if I felt sad about that or not.
I think if I were in school today, that I would like to have the photo digitally manipulated to add myself in.

I actually used the above method that I briefly described here, to add myself to a group photo that I literally took just the other day. An organization that I belong to, but I was the photographer, and I added myself into the photo after the fact. Most people didn't even realize that I wasn't in the photo (even though I was the one taking it,) and a few that did see, commented "hey magician , I'm so glad you were able to add yourself to the group photo!!" :)

Hope this helps...

This is awful OP, what a difficult situation for everyone, I really feel for you as i know the tribunal process is all consuming. I suspect you're right, the school probably do have a slight slant towards "well you're lucky to have him here as we said he couldn't come". However, I would hope individual teachers wouldn't feel that way. Hopefully it's just an oversight, and it sounds like you have solved it by drawing at home.
Personally, I'd pick my battles at this point in time though. It sounds like your older son is actually going to be a great pupil, and that the school should meet his needs. I suspect as they get to know him, and he spends time there, and they learn the best ways to support him, that you'll see their attitude change because they won't be going off all the paperwork and the memory of the tribunal will fade. They presumably are a little anxious that they can't meet his needs, and as a result are being very cagey about what he joins in with, but that should change as they get to know him. I'd give them all a bit of time, for him to settle and for them to build the relationship. If this sort of behaviour is still going on after Christmas I'd be inclined to have a chat and try and work out what's going on. I hope it works out, I know how hard it is when there's uncertainty around schools but congratulations on getting him where he needs to be and well done to him for attending a new school, those are all big wins. I suspect everyone (you and the school) are all feeling the impact of the process you've had to go through, hopefully some time will help all of that fade and heal a bit.

I teach in a special school, and I would be appalled if this happened in my school – if a child was on a part-time timetable we would make sure that they completed an activity such as this in the time they were in school because we would know how important it was to the family. I’m sorry this happened, and I would raise it with School. Even if it’s an oversight is something they should be acknowledging and making sure it doesn’t happen in the future.

I think you are being very harsh to judge the school the way you are, especially if you work in a special school and know the challenges they will face.

The classroom staff dealing directly with your child are not the same staff that fought you through the tribunal. They may be frustrated at having to accommodate an extra child when the class is already full and they have been given no extra staff or resources, but they’re not going to deliberately go out of their way to be difficult with you. The Christmas card was probably way down their list of priorities of things they needed to do. The school should obviously be working towards every child being able to access as much of what’s on offer as possible, but sometimes even with the best will in the world, it can’t happen. Maybe there aren’t always enough staff, children struggle to transition, activities are sometimes cancelled because an individual child needs too much support to allow the others to participate, there could be anything going on.

Your family is going to be strongly connected to the school for a long time. I think you need to let this go and do your best to work with them and be supportive.

If they have been given no extra staff or resources, their management should take that up with the LA to be honest.

Even if they are frustrated with the situation, I don't feel they should take it out on a child.

The activity was not cancelled, they told me specifically they planned it for an afternoon when he wasn't in afternoons. They also didn't do it with him when they refused to let him go swimming but I did get a pumpkin drawing from a Twinkl print out.

I obviously know what it's like to work in a special school, but like the others on this thread who work in schools (mainstream and special) I would have made sure this didn't happen. So, I don't think I'm being unreasonable anymore, although I do now accept it was probably careless rather than malicious.

As a special school teacher who has done this card thing you have to send them off to be ready months in advance. Chances are it just got missed because he wasn’t there. I’ve also been in classes where we have had more staff than students and still not enough to manage. I wouldn’t be worried about this special schools are incredibly busy places behind the scenes and I’d imagine it was purely an oversight. If kids miss an activity there is rarely the time to go back and catch up. I’m sorry you have been upset by this though

Thank you. I actually don't have support staff in my SEMH special school class of 5 (unless we radio them) and on reflection I think it is actually easier for me to just keep track of everything because I'm doing it all myself rather than relying on other adults to organise their 1:1s and know all my planning.

You need to kick off with the SENCO and SEND education dept!! This school is bullying and undermining your child!!

I’d suggest not sending one to the teacher.

It sounds like relationship building is needed rather than being deliberately antagonistic.

Yes, Youre frustrated. Yes, it sucks that they missed it. Yes, Theyre mighty annoyed to have a child forced on them that they thought they had reasonable grounds not to take. The dust might settle a bit over the Christmas break and everyone can start the new year on a more positive footing. I wouldn’t do anything to jeopardise that.