Mumsnetters who helped raise SC, how is your relationship now they’re adults?

[ClementinesForChristmas]

We have shared custody (mostly with their mum), and it’s hard.

Nonexistent , but left sc dad for many many reasons.

Fabulous with the girls. I still see them as often and we talk / text most days. My eldest step daughter has a baby of her own now, and her mums not very well so I am often her ‘go to’ person if she wants advice of something has happened. I probably talk to them more than they talk to their dad to be honest.

The boys on the other hand I struggle with - I will message if somethings happened, Christmas and birthdays. We have a family group chat so occasionally they chip in on there and we are all part of the same conversation, but I’m not very close to either of them really.

Do you regret the effort you put in?

That’s nice re: the girls. Were you closer to them when they were little?

I wonder if that’s reflected (but amplified) in nuclear relationships. I often read how people on here say they’re closer to daughters and sons-in-law than sons and daughters-in-law.

Good actually.
DSD said something quite lovely recently. She recalled her friends talking about how disruptive their parents splitting up had been and she said she'd felt a bit of a fraud as it hadn't really traumatised her as life had pretty much carried on as normal. She didn't remember me coming along as being upsetting or bad in any way. Don't see as much of DSs as he's further away and busy with work/gf/job but we all get on well.

Joint custody? Of an adult?

Not me, but DH is DS1’s step dad and has been since he was 2 (now 22). Great relationship, DS doesn’t have the strongest relationship with his Dad, so DH tends to be his go to person when he wants to talk to someone who isn’t me

I get on pretty well with mine - and that’s after having a few years when we were as good as no-contact. I definitely notice a pattern where she makes more effort when she’s not getting on so well with her mum, and it can hurt a bit when the converse is true, but I enjoy our relationship so much more than I ever hoped would be the case, now she’s an adult.

Obviously not, my SC are still children. But I’m pondering how our relationship will be when they’re adults.

Unfortunately my SC’s parents hate each other and SC are often very scathing about their stepdad when with us. I’ve overheard a few comments lately that made me realise they’re probably the same about me in their mum’s house. I understand the reason why is that they want to curry favour with their parents in their respective homes, but it does make me feel like a massive fool for investing so much time and money into children who denigrate and disrespect me once they’re out of my home, where they’re cherished.

OP you dont know they feel the same about stepdad as they do about you. It won’t necessarily be comparable

I’m still on good terms with my SS now 23. No longer married to his dad so we do t have much contact but I def do not resent the ten years of semi- parenting I put in. I don’t see how it’s really optional 🤷🏻‍♀️

Really lovely - in their lives from early teens - not the OW and their Mum had already remarried so that might have helped.

But we love each other and see each other regularly (they are 30s now) and one DSD had all her parents - both parents and us step parents - all four of us walk her down the aisle for her wedding. Was really emotional.

Adding that low drama, calm and friendly relationships between both bio parents has helped massively - we can all meet up for big family occasions - parents, step parents , half siblings etc and all get along.

Both DSDs have mentioned that they appreciate that we can all be friendly together for their sakes.

I love my Dss as much as I could love any child (my husband died when he was a baby, we never divorced but were separated when he died) and I absolutely adore him as does my DD. He has grown into the most amazing adult and we genuinely love each other. I would take a bullet for him without question even though we only saw each other on and off during his childhood.
I have a great relationship with his mum too, she is like family to my daughter and the silver lining in my husbands death is getting to be a part of their lives.

I'm close with mine who are adults now with children of their own. It helped massively that DH and his ex got along well when my step-children were young.

@ClementinesForChristmas
Im not sure, I regret the emotional energy I wasted, but I don’t regret the care I showed sdc, however the teenage years were very stressful, and I found lots of issue upsetting and I wished I had walked away sooner than I did, not because I didn’t care, I did, but it got to the point were I was just being used to provide labour and services, by all involved.

Despite really caring about them (DSD and DSS) when they were young, i am now surplus to their needs. They are young adults - they keep up with their mum, and keep in touch with their Dad/DP. They try to do right and keep up with their grand parents. I get the feeling thry don't really want another adult in their life. Im just Dad's other half. Largely irrelevant. Not sure they even remember all that we did together and how much i loved them and tried to show them. It's sad, and I miss their little selves. I hoped it would be different. I'm very busy with DD1 and DD2 (step siblings, not half siblings) so life moves on. In my heart, i hope it will change again when they're older, and we'll become close again. Fingers crossed

I no longer speak to my DSD and it was the best decision I could have made. Now if she and her dad are having issues yet again, I can just nod and smile and walk away.

I'd rather it had worked out differently but it is what it is.

No contact for a number of years now

They're just children. They've been put in a horrible situation which they aren't responsible for and have no control over. I'm usually 'strict' on behaviour by MN standards, but it's not exactly surprising these DC are being difficult.

I have a lovely relationship with now adult DSC. There were some wobbly times when they were younger (their mother was not happy about me, even though they’d been divorced for years, well before I met now DH) and tried to make things awkward. But, kids aren’t stupid and as they grow up, they see things as they really are. I love the bones of them, we see them often, regularly go on holiday together, they come for Christmas most years. I have no DC of my own by choice, but the DSC and now DSGC have honestly been a massive bonus in my life.

The eldest - great, always was a no-fuss, no drama kid, same into adulthood. She is older than her years and was/is good at analysing what's going on around her and not afraid to stand by her decisions.

The younger - high drama kid, very likely her mum but clashed with her a lot, took her a few days to 'normalise' back with us (50/50). Has the same character as an adult and to be honest I can't be arsed with it all. I don't want the fuss, the drama, and I do call out her lying to us now. I tried so so hard with her as a kid, as a challenging teen, but have happily taken a huge step back.

No I don’t, but I’ve overheard a few comments which make me believe the oldest is rude about me and my family when I’m not around. She’s always been very attuned to whoever she’s around so I’m sure she’s talking for her audience, but it’s disrespectful and disingenuous.

She’s also very mercenary (last time she was here she told my sister she wants her to buy her an £80 coat for Christmas and got on her phone to screenshot it and everything - out of my earshot!).

It makes me feel like my family and I are good enough for her to take from but not to show basic respect for. It’s unlikeable behaviour tbh.

On the contrary the youngest has no wiles and I know he genuinely loves us all.