Has anyone ever completely taken IT and internet access away from their neurodivergent and addicted / reclusive teen, long-term? If so, what happened?

[Lamonstera]

I’m genuinely professionally curious.

I often meet teens who are autistic and/or ADHD who live their lives almost entirely online.
A typical pen-portrait would be:

• no longer attends school, as too anxious / overwhelmed.
• awake all night gaming and asleep all day.
• very minimal exercise or trips outside the house.
• No interests or motivations beyond online activities.

Now, I know that there are very legitimate reasons why these children feel overwhelmed by school / daily life, this is a coping mechanism for them and none of it is their fault.

What’s difficult is that once settled into their protective online world, ‘breaking in’ and helping them to engage with real-life concerns (eg their health and wellbeing, education and developing basic employability and daily living skills) is terribly difficult to the point of feeling impossible. It often seems to be because:

• They have avoided in-person social interaction for so long that the very thought is terrifying. Why should they step outside their safe zone?

• They have friends - online. (So no motivation to meet anyone ‘IRL’, as well as not being awake to do so anyway).

• If they have an ambition, it’s invariably to be a Youtuber (So no motivation to get any other qualifications).

• They are insulated from the wider world and often lack perspective. Valid concerns like future employment prospects feel entirely hypothetical.

These young people’s world would be absolutely upended if the computers and internet access were to be entirely taken away from them. I would never suggest it, because I know it is their crutch and it would cause such great distress.

But at the same time, it feels as though taking away the virtual world may be the only thing that would get them to reengage with the world around them, in all its messy uncomfortable reality.

Has anyone ever done just that? I would be so curious to know what happened? Did things get better after a while? Or was it an unmitigated disaster?

I would be very interested to know the answer. It’s something I seriously considered at one point with my dd but I felt our relationship was too fragile and my ex husband would have exploited it against me. She wasn’t quite as bad as your pen portrait but heading that way: dropped out of her activities, angry all the time, wouldn’t leave her room, up waaaaay too late, addicted to her phone, had developed a trans identity

the difficulty is is that teens like that are very emotionally volatile and you want to maintain your limited influence and fear losing them completely. I’m not saying that’s right but it is how I felt!

I did a half way house - pretty strict screen limits and she had to join us for a tv show which everyone chose together meaning 30-40 mins an evening out of her room. If she didn’t do it I turned the WiFi off and locked her phone. Gave it a lot of time, tried to build my relationship with her. She’s much improved. Not amazing- still trans identifying but no “actions”, still spends too much time on her phone, still quite emotionally volatile BUT wants to hang out with me, listens to me sometimes, does diving and music lessons again and has “expressed interest” at school in gold d of e..

I think if there have been no boundaries then a first step could be the internet goes off at 11pm. I would get sky max where you can literally password it and turn it off at bed time, stop paying their phone contract if they have enough data to get around it. Step by step back to normality rather than cold turkey… but I don’t think there’s compatibility with that lifestyle and living a positive healthy life.

Curious as to what these teens did pre internet? If there was no “alternative” available to real life?

The feeling is now, if there are serious mental health issues, the only way is to ‘partner’ not parent. Meet them where they are.

We blocked DS1's devices from the router overnight when he was a teenager. Sleeping overnight and being awake during the day is a hard line for me, despite being otherwise low demand in my parenting. He got through GCSEs, A-Levels and degree (it was not easy).

I have 2 younger ones, also ASD/ADHD diagnoses. We have a no devices at night rule and still quite a strict bedtime routine, even for almost 15yo.

I think you can have very firm boundaries that don't look strict if you combine it with love and kindness.

Yes, I’ve had some serious problems with one of my teenaged children regarding their internet use. They both hypothetically and literally went into their bedroom and ‘shut the door’ and started living life just on their computer.

I tried to limit their internet use, and that was the start of the end of our relationship - which has not recovered.

I appreciate that my situation is at the extreme end of this issue, but it is a very real and difficult experience for everyone involved.

Like any addiction, that person then has to navigate the long and difficult road of weaning themselves off the insular world of the internet to try to operate (and find something worthwhile) in the ‘real’ world.

The internet, on the whole, is destroying people, society and relationships.

My DS was like this.
Once outside statutory school age they had an adult social care assessment and have a PA twice a week. The PA's role has been to re-engage in going out. The first few months the PA just played computer games with DC to avoid pressure and build rapport. Then gradually they started going out for short walks. Now they go cycling, swimming, or walking and DC has found a new passion in gardening. All accomplished very gradually. DC still enjoys computing and still spends quite a long time online but seems much better able to moderate it with a modest routine, and now has a much better sleep/wake schedule and more engagement in real life.

Don’t give the child the access in the first place. Blows my mind on here parents acting stumped ‘how can I get little Jimmy from gaming til 4am?’… erm… take the device away? Turn the internet off? Don’t give them it in the first place? It drives me bonkers.

Yes! It's important to set boundaries and you just have to go through the backlash. The meltdown happens, then away from the screens you can create other activities. Absolutely not the right thing to do is allow unlimited access to substitute the interventions and guidance that only come from good parenting and support services.

Indeed, as responsible parents we have to face and endure the unregulated behaviour. Giving in and not dealing with it is the easy way which will only lead to far worse problems in the future.

Wow that explains why society is absolutely spannered

Well from my own family the ADHD young teens of the 70’s were mostly to be found in the centre of town taking extreme risks with sex drugs and rock n roll.

I’m an adult ADHD who spent my teen years addicted to the internet. My mum used to unplug the modem to force me to go to sleep. I did worse stuff instead to fill the void. But I was on an extreme self destructive spiral.

It’s an interesting one. I don’t normally respond to posts about removing internet access in these situations as they normally come from posters claiming that any parent allowing too much internet / phone access is enabling / a bad parent / ‘you just need to be more strict and that would solve the problem’ . You articulated it in such a good and non judgmental way that it feels safe to respond!

My DD (now 18) was exactly as you described for 2/3 years. Missed about 2 years of school, never left her room, glued to her phone 24/7, couldn’t sleep until 3am, never left the house and v depressed. A lot of other stuff too - 3 attempted suicides and lots of self harm.

The advice used to be exactly that didn’t it? Remove all screens, turn off Wi-Fi etc.. this was often a response from the professionals particularly when it comes to school ‘refusal/ EBSA’ .

I didn’t do any of that and went for partnering. I really do understand what you are saying.. how deeply engrained it can become if their entire existence is on line in their bedroom. Are they just spiralling into a deeper hole that they will find it increasingly harder to come out of?

I can only account for what happened here. DD always wanted to be in school but she couldn’t (can’t not won’t) and after 2 years of pushing I finally realised this. So I stopped pushing and let go. There were very few rules and it was low demand. Of course I could barely sleep at night worrying if she would ever have a ‘normal’ existence or leave her room. But she did. Slowly. Left to her own devices she realised that she did want more from life (once she was out of autistic burnout - I hadn’t realised that she was autistic for the first 2 years of it) a part of her old self came back and she started to gradually emerge.

so I don’t know what the answer is to your question. All I do know is that I read time and time again that young people in this situation need to know you are with them and not against them as the rest of the world seems to be for them. I completely agree with you that removing all tech would actually be something a parent would be doing for their own good but i just don’t know. The trust and relationship between a parent and vulnerable young person in this situation is so important and fragile that it could break things completely. And (sorry it’s a v obvious one) .. we can think that online friendships aren’t real and one of the reasons why they aren’t leaving the house and being sociable. It’s logical to suggest that if we remove all devices it will jolt them into doing something else. But what if it doesn’t? Your relationship with them is frayed and on top of this they are no longer talking or socialising with anyone at all.

in many cases the reason why the scenarios you describe are a result of some form of neurodivergence which means these young people feel less equipped to deal with the real world in the first place. So you could be removing their lifeline.

far too long a post but yours was interesting so it’s a bit of a stream of consciousness!

So happy to hear this positive story, well done to your and your DC, sounds like a long journey but one that was worth sticking with.

The thing is there isn’t the help or resources out there & if the problems are serious, parents at a loss.

@Garnetrubyred
I don’t think you have dealt with a young person in this situation have you? That much is clear.

I have indeed. We don’t all have to parent the same way. I’m confident with my choices, and glad you are with yours.

I’m so sorry, this sounds like such a difficult situation. It can be impossible to know what to do for the best sometimes. You love and did your best for your child, the relationship may well recover in time.

Iv adhd/autistic teens and we have always limited online and devices due to addictive tendencies adhd people can have esp around gaming.

Younger teens have time restrictions on all devices - they get two hours a day during week and 4 on weekends. With the odd - gaming day every couple weekends, though have notices behaviour plummets.

Our eldest nearly 18. I still have parental controls on his phone and playstation that lock him out at 10pm on school nights and 12 at weekends. He grumbles but will admit it for the best as he wouldnt sleep. Myself and dh turn our phones off at 9pm during work nights and leave them in the kitchen as we could be just as bad (ie posting now lol)

Our WiFi also has lock out for all the teens.

We belive everyone should precrise good device and sleep hygiene adhd or not

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I’m so glad that your daughter recovered from burnout and began to rediscover her old self. I find it heartening to hear these stories because most cases I’m coming across right now feel very stuck. It’s good to know the stuckness can loosen over time.
I feel for the parents tremendously and would never judge them for doing everything they can to alleviate their child’s distress. It’s just hard to have faith that these young people will come to a point where they turn a corner in their own time, rather than spiral downward, exactly as you said.

Well for my adhd relaative - bunked off school then got kicked out then it was
Alcohol
Drugs
Sex
Getting into dangerous situations
Gambling
Couldnt hold down a job

Autistics/anxiety like myself burned out. Shut down and read lots of books or spent time on fav hobbies (obsessions)

@Lamonstera honestly it was 5 years in total of worry / stress and hell for all of us. I barely left the house for 2 years as I couldn’t leave her (thank goodness for an understanding employer). I genuinely didn’t think we would ever see an end to it. So she only took the bare minimum GCSEs but passed them. Started A levels but couldn’t face the stress and dropped out after 6 months. Spent the next 12 months either at home or doing babysitting or doing a bit of work experience that I had arranged once she was out of the darker days. Most of her (small group of) friends are now at uni or gap years. I had to let go of what you thought the future would look like (for now. Or who knows) She turned 18 and it’s like something switched. She just wanted to get out of the house, meet some new people and get a bar job. She’s been there 3 months and is really happy. A completely different person and starting to talk about the future. She’s away for 3 nights at the moment staying with a friend at uni. I couldn’t have imagined this even 12 months ago. Please don’t give up hope. I think maturity / hormones and brain development (along with a lot of kindness/ consistency and patience) has a lot to do with it. Hang on in there!

That’s incredible progress! The maturity point makes a lot of sense. I guess some things just take time …

Read books.

I look back on my son's situation when he was early-to-mid teens and wish I had done more. This was a while ago, and parental controls weren't as good as they are now, and perhaps there was less awareness than now about the need for keeping on top of your child's internet use.

My son attended school, but the rest of the time he was in his room and online. As well as compromising his real-world social competence, I think he also was exposed to damaging content and a relationship (that he took offline into the real world) that was (I think) ultimately traumatising for him.

I can remember placing some parental controls, and the meltdown he had about it. He was so intransigent (and by this time bigger than me) that I eventually caved in. I wish I hadn't. Perhaps some things would have been different.

On top of his autism, my son also developed psychosis, (possibily schizophrenia but his diagnoses varied over the years). Ultimately, in early adulthood and during breaks between his time as an inpatient, he graduated to the dark web where he accessed recreational drugs and a 'suicide pack' (although that wasn't the means by which he killed himself).

Sometimes in a psychotic state he would mention interacting with things online that were traumatic for him.

It is so so difficult when you are dealing with someone who is on the cusp of adulthood, and whose existence is very online. Restricting access feels a little like physically preventing them from leaving the house. And if your child is very articulate, very intellectually mature (alongside their social immaturity) that can easily make you feel that you are robbing them of life.

But believe me, the penalties of not taking action can be high. I don't know how my son would have fared in a pre-online world. Perhaps things might have been just as bad for him. Who knows. Clearly online exposure doesn't cause psychosis in itself, but anxiety and trauma can and do trigger it - and anxiety and trauma can be heightened by stuff online.

But do please try to do what you can. Parental controls are more sophisticated now, more user-friendly. No need for cold turkey, I think, but do put sensible limits in place xxxxx

@NewNameForThis3434

I have just read your post. I am so sorry this was the outcome for you and I really understand why you feel the way that you do about not doing more.. You did do what you could and also I imagine that you couldn’t possibly have known that he was accessing these things at the time. It’s a whole world that our generation have one foot in and one foot out in terms of understanding. You did whatever you could at the time and they will always be one step ahead in terms of work arounds and overriding even the more robust ways of any controls you put in place. I’m so sorry this was your outcome. We came very close to this and I wish it had only remained at that stage for you x