DP grandmother keeps bringing up his ex partner

[Candykitten0173]

Right hear me out,
DGM is not much older than my parents and on several of the few occasions we have been to see her (even with our child), DGM has somehow slipped DP exGF into conversation. I know DGM and DP exGF were rather fond of eachother.

DGM is far from being slightly forgetful and can just be a bit insensitive. Am I being unreasonable to find it a bit strange she keeps getting bought up?

I get the sense that DGM isn’t the biggest fan of me, which I’m not too fussed about. But because of this I’m wondering if I’m reading into it too much? Or it is a bit of a strange thing to do.

She's being a bitch. Rise above it for now but if it carries on, ask her why she's doing it preferably in front of others.

How does she bring her up? How long were they in one another's lives? Are they still in touch? Without that context it's hard to tell.

For example if it's: "DP how is Ex-GF? Hope she's well?" then I think that's fair enough if they got on - who else does she have to ask?

But if it's: "Oh Candykitten, have you ever thought of having a fringe? Ex-GF has a friend and it really suits her" then that's potentially another matter.

If she's doing it rudely then I think I would just address it.

5 years or so
Not in touch - strongly dislike eachother

examples…
First was to tell a story about DGM and how her brother hadn’t been so nice to exGF about one of of exGF family members and how unkind that was for her - still unsure what importance this had to any of us at the time.

Another when we were discussing Xmas and she was talking about what our plans were and we were explaining we weren’t sure meat wise what to do. And she turned around to say wasn’t it exGF that doesn’t eat so and so…
again not much relevance to our Christmas plans, or so I should hope 😂

Considering we don’t see her often I’d say 3/5 visits this year have contained a ExGF story or add on

Have you tried saying very very gently and supportively “DP and ex broke up quite a long while ago now. Did you not remember?”

Ideally get DP to say it too.

Either she’s genuinely forgetting - in which case gentle enquiry would be reasonable - or she’s being a dick in which case this approach will hopefully stop it pretty quickly.

In which case I think your DP should say to her that given their breakup was so acrimonious that he doesn't really like talking about her or having her talked about, so please can she stop. It doesn't sound like she's needling you, she just sounds thoughtless, as indeed some people are. I know someone like this.

No I find any sort of conflict confrontation even just being direct like that so out of character so I sit there like a complete numpty

Well to be fair it's your partner's grandmother, so it's his job to confront, not yours. Unless of course he isn't remotely bothered - but surely he would be?

Yanbu. She seems to be doing it on purpose to make a point. It is very catty

My grandma was a bit like this with my brother's now ex wife tbh. She didn't like her at all. She actually was correct, but it wasn't the point. No matter what your age, you shouldn't be bitchy to new partners just because you like the last one better or whatever it is. Such a mistake and so unkind.

But you do need to get over your fear of confrontation. It isn't a good character trait (i say this as a recovering people pleaser)!

She's being rude. Does she do this in front of your child?

Roll your eyes at her every time she mentions ex and mention that was a long time ago, then you and your partner and child leave immediately.

If she's not forgetful, she'll get the message.

Hmm a bit more about putting you in your place. I had years of this from MIL. I kept making excuses in my head, but go with what your gut tells you. She is unkind, makes you feel uncomfortable when you visit and puts you down. At best insensitive but you slip up once not regularly.

My Mils tactics made me try harder to please and be the person she wanted me to be resulting in failure on my part. The tactics were to compare me unfavourably with others, my weight, looks, even meals I cooked. It was only when she started on my kids that I broke contact.

Spoke to DP regarding this however in his eyes his family can do no wrong

just wondered what people thought as because she “back tracked” after the comment to say oops shouldn’t have said that name, he thinks she’s done no wrong.

The Oops backtracking is not an innocent mistake imo.
Be more assertive. Change the subject to praise and be positive about someone else when she veers towards conversation about X or has mentioned X. DGM will understand perfectly what you’re doing even though it will go over your DP’s head.

Can't he speak for himself?

Why do you care so much?

Whatever her reasoning - or maybe there is none, she’s just a bit thoughtless - who cares? Let it wash over you. Don’t be insecure, and don’t let it bother you.

To be honest I don’t actually care it happens.
I care more that my DP doesn’t stand up for me a bit more, meh but I’ll fall at deaf ears there.
Just wanted to understand I wasn’t overthinking it
And confirm it’s not normal conversation etiquette around new partners

Assuming she isn’t genuinely forgetful, it sounds like she is doing it deliberately to annoy you/hurt you.

As you arent keen on addressing it directly I would just smile brightly every time she does it, say nothing and give your DP a merry look.

She’ll stop doing it if it appears to entertain you and won’t like it if you are obviously playing exGF Bingo with your DP.

Him not standing up for you with his family is going to be a long term issue though. You’ll have to address it eventually.

You would have thought so, but it appears not from everything that has been shared on here.