AITAH Parents

[Butterflyflower9]

It is my very first time posting here as I feel confused and I do not know whether I did the right thing.

My parents came to visit me and my husband for the first time ever, we recently moved to another contienct away from the UK. My father has always been a strange and unpredictable person, but I tried to put that aside and still invited him and my mother to stay with us.
When we were kids, he used to scream at us, insult us, and sometimes be emotionally abusive. I’ve always believed he might have some sort of bipolar disorder, although he’s never been diagnosed.
Few days ago, he woke up in morning and had coffee with me and my mum. After a while, he suddenly got mad at her because in a picture she took of him, there was a bag visible he said it made him look homeless.
Later, I took them on a walk. My mum asked me to take a picture of them together but he refused to be in the photo, started walking about 30 steps ahead of us and completely stopped talking to us. We sat on a bench for a while, and then he disappeared for about 20 minutes. When he came back, he stood about 20 steps away from us and still wouldn’t speak or come near. We decided to leave and looked around for him, but we couldn’t find him.
We eventually left the place as we were under the impression that he knows how to come back. He did not have his phone, watch, or any money with him.
Bare in mind, this behavours it is not new and he used to do this to us when we were kids - he would not walk with my mum, myself and sister, he would walk in front of us and acts like he doesnt know us. All because he will get mad over something stupiud.
Anyways, after few hours my husband and I went looking for him and couldn’t find him anywhere.
We were always walking on eggshells when we were kids depending on whether he was in a “good” or “bad” mood. I still remember once, in the middle of winter, he got furious because my mum accidentally hit a curb with the car he bought her. He started hitting her, I screamed at him, and he got so angry that he walked off for over an hour in freezing weather. When he came back, he didn’t speak to us for days.
After being gone for hours, we received a phone call from a random person who said my dad had approached her because they spoke a similar language and he told her he was lost. My husband and I went to pick him up. The lady told us he had said he was lost, but when he got in the car, he didn’t say a single word to us. He walked straight into the house, went to his room, and later texted my sister saying he wants to return home as soon as possible And that myself and my mum left him behind.

He came out of the guest room and said I should been ashamed of myself etc and this is where I lost my cool. I started losing my sh** and told him everything.
I spent a lot of money on their trip, and this is the behaviour I get in return.
I asked my mum to stay with us and he can return alone since he wants to go back, but instead she told me she has nothing to do here and she is going with him. I ended up changiing their flights at 10pm for a 7am morning.
I told her we will call them an uber in the morning that it will take them to the airport. Neither of them said anything to me and my husband before they went to bed.
They woke up at 3am in the morning and my husband got up, my father left to do at the ground floor and my mum stayed behind to finish packing. My husband went with my mum in the hall to call the lift for her and told her which car to get in etc. She just said bye to him and that was it.

A day later once they makde it back home, I recive a messge from my mother saying i am no longer their daughter, they had enoufg from me and they never want to see me again, or to call them. I should forget that I have parents.

I thought that as he and her got older, they might realise things and change but it doesn’t seem to be the case.
AITAH for changing their flights or should have let him do what he wants in my home? and still treat me like a crap?
I have also blocked them on everywhere and asked them to send me the money back for theuir flights as I spent around £1500 on their flights.

I know this is extrmele toxic, and I should of never invited them in my home. At the same time, I realised they will never change and my mother will always be his puppy and defend him no matter what.

Abusive and controlling, you’re well rid of them. Hopefully he will die first and your mum will apologise.

He sounds appalling and I think you did the right thing. Just because your mother enables him doesn’t mean you have to too.

How do your other sibling(s) feel about him? What is your family situation? Do you have kids? A strong line for me was that I didn't want my own children exposed to that behaviour.

From your description it sounds like large scale drama and lengthy sulks are not unusual. Have you thought about your approach if they decide “to forgive” you?

@HarbourClankCat
My sister hates my father as much as I do as he abused us pretty much our whole childhood. My sister's fiance also hates him.
My father broke the whole family and my mom had no family left because of him. She never wanted to leave him despite the fact that he cheated on her so many times.

I think I do not want any further touch with them. This was their first time ever visiting me in our own home with my husband and could not leave their crappy attitudes at home, so he ahd to create a drama as always and throw tantrums. My mother told me it's all my fault too.

It’s pretty disgraceful you had to pay for their flights. They sound difficult, unsupportive and tiresome. Get the money back from them - never book for them again and go NC yourself. See how long it is before they creep back. People like this always creep back.

Wow well what can you do, they're abusive, your mums an enabler and just as abusive.

Cut them out and take them literally, make sure if you have DC they don't worm their way back in.

Tell your siblings what happened if they can see the truth and feel the same way about their childhood as you. Build your own village

I'd say that the trash took itself out. From what you've said, no contact will be of no loss to you.

He’s abusive, unpredictable and generally unhinged.

Absolutely horrific from both of them, your father for his behaviour and your mum for enabling him, although it does sound like she has obviously been abused by him for years and is probably completely broken down.

I'm so sorry OP. You're well rid.

Is there anything either/both religious or cultural at play here? Is he acting out what he thinks or believes a father can/should be like? Whatever the situation, and I know he's your father and all that, but if you get the chance, tell him to f-ck off, really loud, shout it in his face, then never contact him again.

My father had bipolar and i get echoes of it in your posts tbh.
My ruined my childhood.

Yanbu. Awful behaviour from them.
Your mother sounds as bad as him.

Please do yourself a favour focus on your sister (who they presumably hate now too?) And your husband...

Dont get back in contact and live a good life.

Of course your Mum is blaming you, she's sent a lifetime enabling your abusive Dad They are both as bad as each other and for your own mental health you have to cut them off forever . Yes she messaged you saying they didn't want any further contact but that won't last, they won't be able to help themselves

@SalmonOnFinnCrisp was yours ever medically diagnosed? I assume the traits I have described are pretty similar to yours.

I am not a doctor, but my husband is and he could see some traits. But again, he has not spent enough time with him to be able to fully analyse him etc.

My father would never agree to seek professional help. So ever since we were kids, we had to read his mind, what we did wrong etc.
My sister hates him as much as I - tbh my parents have no friends left because of him. But my mother is so brain washed by him that she trusts him more than she trusts me or my sister.

No, nothing religious or cultural play. This is how he was all of his life - his father used to behave similarly tho he was diagnosed with mental problems.

I actually told him everything when I lost my cool - something that I have been keeping inside me for the last 32 years of life and it felt good. Even tho, I have to admit that I am embarrassed of my own behaviour and how I behaved. But he was just so easily able to bring the worst out of me.

I am sorry OP. This sounds like appalling behaviour.

I am a consultant psychiatrist and I do not get a feel of bipolar at all. I sense more that your father is an abusive man with traits of antisocial PD. Ofc it is impossible to diagnose over the internet.

Well done for blocking them. Try and see this as a positive and you finally getting some power back. Some therapy could be useful. We don’t always get the parents we deserve and I am sorry. I am pleased you live in a different country now. Don’t look back.

Thank you. I am not in the medical filed, but that makes sense what you just said. His father used to have mental problems and abusive behaviour, so no idea if its passed down to family.

I used to have various different therapy’s in the past on and off and whenever I would make a progress, they will sneak back into my life and ruin everything that I have worked on in my therapy sessions. But after how they have behaved in front of my husband and in my own house there is no going back.
Bear in mind, it was their second time meeting my husband, they do not even know him that well.

I don’t know you but I feel proud of you finally saying your piece.

You may have intense moments of guilt and regret, or sudden longings to make peace. But count to ten, have a strategy or mantra and let it pass. They will not change or be the kind and reflective parents you need them to be. I don’t think any good can come from contact.

They have really shown you who they are. Your mum has also chosen him over her children. That is hurtful but it sounds like you have a supportive husband and a sister who understands. Well done for getting away.

your father is abusive and your mother is his enabler. They will never change as this is how they like to live their lives. I’ve been where you are. Never let their poison into your home/life/family ever again. I don’t mean go non contact (though, if you’re happy with that then do so). Put in place some very firm boundaries and stick to them. Prioritise yourself, without guilt and don’t tolerate their shit. I promise that peace of mind will eventually follow. They’re a couple of co dependents- leave them to it.

What's AITAH ?

Am I the Asshole?

I’m happy for you that you got to tell him the truth, so many people never get the chance before their parents die and that can be so hard. I’m also happy he’s out of your life. I feel sorry for your mum (although her behaviour was also appalling) but she has to want to leave him and she’s clearly not ready. She knows where you stand if ever she sees sense in the future.

How disappointing for you OP, and how awful of them. I'm completely on your side here. Often I think things can be worked out but I'm not sure that's possible here. Not contacting them again seems like a good way forward. If they don't pay up, consider it an investment in your waking up to them and making a positive change. Most certainly never pay for anything for them again.

@Butterflyflower9 sounds like no contact is a good solution.

I would be tempted to write to your mum explaining everything again and saying you find it sad she supports such an abusive man who treated her with no respect.

Mine was clinically diagnosed for whatever good it did.

Its well documented that medication non-compliance is rife with bipolar. They basically decide they dont like how the meds feel so dont bother taking them despite the torment it causes their families.
Mine was on and off his like it was a no14 bus.

If your sister feels the same going to be a lot easier tbh. Just "be family" with her and move on with everything. The one thing i craved a s a child was a quiet peaceful "boring" life and once my dad was out of it that was much easier to achieve.

I did sent her a message back saying something along those lines. But it is pointless, as her phone it’s being monitored by him. He knows every move she makes, every friend that she has left, whoever she talks to, messaged and whoever she gets messages from.

I could have written your post OP.
Childhood memories I have are only when he kicked off, sulked for days after something that would annoy him, scream in our faces about whatever 'wrong-doing', DM passively standing by pretending it wasn't happening because 'what would people think' if she left him. Barely any friends, wouldn't speak to neighbours, walk with a frown all the time, rarely laughed...a product of his past sadly and the way he was brought up.

Your post has made me cry for the little girl I used to be and how I am the way I am (anxious and frightened all the time)...all because of him.

My DB is NC with both my parents and I can understand why.

I'm in my 50s OP and I'm not sure I'll ever find peace with it all, so please, make no effort to reach out to them. Make the break now.