To not bother with this friend?

[BigNov]

I went through a difficult time last year that led to a period of poor health and a loss of income.
I am the kind of person to keep things to myself and get on with it, I didn’t really rely on friends for emotional support during this and I have a new job now. However I did tell one friend what happened, we have known each other our entire lives and went school together and were very close.

Initially she was fine, but then she distanced herself and stopped responding to my messages, stopped meeting up with me then cut contact - although she knew I was going through a hard time. Even random messages to discuss shared interests or how she is, she would ignore.

We haven’t spoke all year. She messaged me today to say she’s been busy but wants a catch up. Aibu to ignore her? I just feel like she dropped me when I went through a hard time, and I don’t see her as a friend as a result.

That's fair enough. She may well also have had a lot going on, but she probably needed to mention that (even if not specifying details) in order for you to be able to maintain the friendship.

I wouldn't forgive that personally but ultimately it's your choice to make isn't it? I think she's brought the friendship to an end and has now regretted that.

I bet someone will ask if you were too demanding of her time. She could easily have said so if you were, no need to drop you like that, especially after such a long friendship. You sound like you're not willing to forgive her for letting you down and that's perfectly fine. Sometimes friendships end, and that's normal.

Its up to you, it’s ultimately your life. But on the other hand she might of had stuff going on in her life and couldnt also take your mental load as well as hers at the time. You won’t know that unless you speak to her.

Oh no, you have misunderstood. No “mental load” was placed on her.

As I said in my OP, I got on with it without her. I never asked her for advice or placed any onus on her to engage with me. I was never upset in front of her nor sent her dreary messages or anything like that. My problem required professional/legal advice which I obtained, so it wasn’t anything I discussed in detail with her either.

She is quite hot & cold. Ie I am desirable to her when I’m doing well, but it was a fair weather friendship.

Thanks!

No, I wasn’t demanding of her time. If anything, I wasn’t really in the headspace for frequent socialising so there definitely wasn’t any pressure placed on her by me.

But what annoys me looking back, is that I still respected her time and was happy for her. But it wasn’t reciprocated. eg I’d share good news like I had a job offer…zero response or interest from her. Or she’d offer to meet up to celebrate then cancel last minute, this would go on countless times. I just think now that I’m not dealing with that anymore, I’m happier for it.

You need to weigh it up what the friend means to you, and while she may have had things thing on that you don’t know about, a friend can’t expect to just pop up whenever it suits her only.

My DM died last year and I’ve had no support or acknowledgment of it beyond ‘sorry to hear that’ texts then it has been radio silence. Not once has any friend dropped me a text to say how are you, or would you like to meet for a coffee etc. I am absolutely not an emotional leech on others.

It has been deeply hurtful and disappointing but I now know where I stand and am learning to adjust my expectations so I’m no longer hurt by others. I do anything for my friends, and have done so many times, but now I have backed off.

To be honest with you, she would offload her problems on to me so I have an idea of what she was going through. It felt a bit competitive at times - like she always had to be the one in a worser predicament!

You can forgive her and wish her well...from afar. She may well have had stuff going on in her life but ghosting a good friend is really inexcusable. If she does tell you she's jad x, y and z going on, it is fine to empathise with her but also not let her back into your life.

Yanbu

Aww I am so sorry for your loss. That’s sounds really tough. I hope things are getting better for you, the last thing you needed were friends like that.

It’s really heartless that your friends haven’t checked in. I wouldn’t dream of treating one of my friends that way, but I think you worded it better than I did. I too, don’t like being an emotional leech either. I’m totally a “treat people how you want to be treated” person.

I think I’m slowly realising that I invested time in the wrong people. In fact, I’m sceptical that the only reason this person reached out to me today is because it’s her birthday next month/Christmas and she’s probably angling for a gift!