To think having an episiotomy a private detail?

[WhatABigYikes]

Where it is commonplace to talk about whether one's baby was born by C-section or naturally/vaginally... And then some women go on to give more detail and say whether it was induced or forceps or an emergency section. Would you go on to include you had an episiotomy if you were to elaborate on your birth story?

I feel it's too private a detail to share flippantly because it feels like it's providing people with a graphic detail of your vagina. AIBU?

I had one, I don't mind saying it. But it's not something I quickly bring up either. I guess it just depends how in depth the conversation is.

I'd rather people be open about their experiences. It shouldn't have to be secretive or some magic that's just happened. I actually find it therapeutic and maybe even a bit united that us women have gone through this. It can be lonely or hard to overcome some births that might be traumatic, let alone if we feel we have to be silenced on this matter too.

Hello!

Thank you everyone for the replies! It's been useful reading the posts to put my own thoughts into context more than anything and made me think about why I feel like I do.

Firstly, I want to clarify that I didn't mean it's shameful or embarrassing to talk about vaginas. I went back to my OP to see exactly what I wrote about it and I think I phrased it as such because... When pregnant, I became increasingly aware of how much I was talking about my literal medical history with everyone purely by virtue of being pregnant. And I didn't like it. I wasn't like that before being pregnant... I didn't mind talking about my random medical appointments at work for example. But I think for some reason during my pregnancy it started feeling a bit different. Maybe people I wouldn't necessarily care to share so much with suddenly felt like they were privy to my personal medical information (right now I'm specifically thinking about certain ILs). Fast forward to the birth I remember telling DH to please not share information on things like how dilated I was with ILs because that's literally telling people how much vagina was opening up. And then I myself did have an episiotomy and found the entire thing pretty traumatic and I suppose when in my OP I used the word "flippantly" it's because I can't talk about it flippantly. I can't share it as an ordinary detail because it is too much for me to say it and then I need the person to react with empathy. (And yes I have had therapy for birth trauma).

Anyway, the specific context was messaging a friend about my birth with DD. She mentioned she had her DDs and avoided c sections but one was a forceps delivery. And I wondered if it was social etiquette to just say I had an episiotomy. I do agree women should be more open about these things... But also, for me at least, it is context that's key.

If the woman is comfortable and the person she is telling wants to hear the full birth details, then it’s fine.

Some women seem to like to share their stories with others who would rather not hear which does annoy me. I didn’t want everyone’s bad birth story when I was pregnant but that didn’t stop some women trying to tell me.

I’d only share my full experiences of birth with people close to me, if they specifically asked. It’s absolutely fine to not share everything though obviously.

Its your perineum that gets cut, not your vagina.

And truth be told, when women talk to other mothers about giving birth vaginally, we all know it often involves pooping your guts out as well as delivering the baby, and that the baby passes through the vagina.

Again a misunderstanding of the biology here - it's your cervix that dilates, not your vagina.

You seem very preoccupied with maintaining secrecy around your vagina. Your ILs and everyone else who knows you are a mother knows how the baby got in and out of you.

I think you're being a bit twee.

@WhatABigYikesit’s not your vagina that opens up when you dilate.

Only ever talked about mine once that I can remember and that was to a nealy due woman who was nervous about that detail of childbirth. Just assured her it was no big deal to me as there was so much else going on.She felt relieved. Never even found out if she had one in the end. Can't think of any other reason to discuss it anyway.

You might be right but even my (male) boss knows I’ve had an episiotomy because I am vulgar and compared it to someone I don’t like.

I would never ask someone how they gave birth- if really wouldn’t occur to me- but have no problem discussing mine.

In my NCT group one of the women who had an episiotomy was really upset that her partner told everyone, she felt it was a private detail.

I would be furious too. It absolutely is a private detail her partner had no right to share. It is private to her so only she can make the decision to share. If she wants to then entirely up to her. No one else should tell anyone else even if they heard it from her.

I kind of get it OP, it feels a bit like you're losing control of your body during pregnancy/birth... everyone knows how baby got there and how it's coming out. I think sharing can help women prepare - for example I was told you go into hospital when you've had an hour of contractions 5 minutes apart. I didn't have that for either labour but no one told me that you might not. I have two young kids and discussing birth stories is commonplace with mat leave friends.

I had a spinal block, episiotomy and forceps delivery for DC1 - and yes I do discuss it with people if we're talking about it, not least as so many women are worried about recovery times and I can reassure them that you can recover quickly.

DC2 was very quick, walked into the hospital with him practically hanging out and delivered with no pain relief and small tear... I tell people it was like he was on a slip and slide.

I also talk about my tfmr so if anyone I know has to go through similar they know they're not alone.

It's tricky, I don't broadcast any of this to all and sundry or those who don't want to know - but it does seem to come up in conversation. But in all cases it's my story to tell - I'm not sure I'd be happy with DH telling my in-laws and, with the exception of the tfmr where I know he did tell them and he was right to, I don't think he has.

it's providing people with a graphic detail of your vagina

I wouldn’t think of it like that at all - as other have said, it’s a medical procedure. In the same way, I wouldn’t think I’d had a graphic detail of someone’s penis if I knew he’d had a vasectomy. Up to you what you’re comfortable to talk about with others, though.

I’ve not talked about it, but if a woman decided to share the their episiotomy experience with me I’d not think anything was wrong with that. Her body, her experience, her choice.

You don’t have to look at it. You just have to hear me say the word 😅

I really don’t mind. It was a medical decision made by a doctor and if we’re talking about childbirth we’re talking about my vagina anyway, in a masked way. I don’t feel any shame or negative weight to the procedure.

Eek! I luckily gave birth to 3 healthy babies, naturally, - it was in the 1980s - so I am an OAP now, but I can't remember if I had episiotomies or not! Well actually, I am pretty sure that I had one for my first born, but I definitely don't remember for my second and third.

I also had an enema before I went into labour with my first, I can't remember for my second, but definitely didn't for my third, they had gone out of fashion by the time baby number 3 was born.

Apart from my GP at my 6 week check-up, I don't think that anyone has ever asked me anything about my experiences during childbirth, but the only thing I (think I) can remember, is that I didn't feel the episiotomy at all, which is probably because they did it when so much was happening in my nether regions, that any quick sharp pain that may have happened, was totally swallowed up by what else was happening.

On the post natal ward we talked about everything to do with the birth! Also watched each others babies while we went out for a fag. Sigh. Those were the days 😂

eta: nothing like childbirth to make instant best friends for the 24 hours you're there. I don't think I saw any of them ever again but my god did we know each other intimately

A colleague of mine divulged to us all that following her episiotomy she now "looks like a shirt buttoned up the wrong way!"

Honestly - you’re being completely ridiculous. If someone has given birth, vaginas have been involved, as has blood, pain, poo and all manner of other things. Pretending otherwise like some Victorian drama is daft in this day and age.

Knowledge is power and helps to normalise. It was hearing about birth injuries that helped me decide to never give birth vaginally