Do you find mumsnetters who do this to be creepy?

[Moutne]

So a couple of weeks ago I started a thread asking for people’s opinions. I got told it wasn’t very helpful to not know specifics so I showed a very generic picture and tried to hide identifying details. But lo and behold a couple of the posters reverse searched the image. Got the name of the village and had themselves a nice little discussion going into a lot of detail. I just found it incredibly invasive. There was no need to know the extreme specifics. The image gave a good indication. I was clearly trying to not be too specific.

I mean being curious and searching yourself is one thing but to then come back and comment for all to see seems intentionally provocative. Almost like a power play.

It’s not cool imo. I’ve seen it happen on a number of threads tbh. People have no boundaries sometimes.

Nobody remembers, they use the Advanced Search function.

That’s even worse! Why on earth would you research what an anonymous random has said on different threads? Staking but without knowing your victim! Anyone doing that needs to take a look at themselves.

That's awful OP. There are some very strange people around.

Also agree with those who try to catch people out - I presume sometimes people change a few details to be less outing and then the armchair detectives go looking for their "gotcha".

Also bad:
Those who give someone having a dreadful time a good kicking (the "and you had children with this man?" types).

Those who go down the "well you obviously hate her" when the person has a very good reason to dislike the absolute arsehole.

Those who can read a heartbreaking post and correct the grammar.

If you doubt a story report it to MN. I'm all for people pointing out that someone needs to look at another angle, that perhaps the poster is being unreasonable but sometimes people are just here for the pile on.. a risk we all take I guess.

Yes it’s creepy but a very good reminder about posting anything online, anywhere which involves anything personal.

In fairness, the impetus there was that the couple in question are basically confidence tricksters.

Rather than suddenly becoming homeless, their house and business repossessed because they had trustingly invested in a traitorous old friend’s business in the same week as the husband got a terminal diagnosis, and wildcamping along a long distance path because they had nowhere to go, they lost their home because the wife had embezzled a lot of money from her employer and borrowed £100k against their home to repay it and avoid prison time, they owned property in France, and the diagnosis was never firm, and in any case occurred two years after the walk.

And the Mn investigators are doing so with information gleaned from a big piece of Observer investigative journalism.

But I wouldn’t put anything identifying out there on any part of the internet.

I’m not sure I’ve ever advance searched anyone, it’s usually because they post repeatedly, obsessively, about the same issue, often under different names, and I remember them because I’d read or posted on their previous threads, and/or because of recognisable quirks in their language or responses to things .

Like there has been a series of threads a very angry poster fulminating about different, unconnected friends not replying to her texts, and how she’s going to dump them, plus they always mistreated her anyway. If you recognise her, and I don’t know if she’s namechanged or not, it’s clear this is a pattern from her, that she’s a difficult entitled person who applies the same logic (you’re a ‘horrible person’ if you don’t reply to her texts) to people she met briefly on holiday who were kind to her but don’t want to continue the connection.

It's the same when posters go and deep dive the OP's previous threads

Sometimes I do that, not because I want attention but because it's really bloody irritating writing out a long supportive answer to someone you think is genuinely in distress only for it to be removed as a troll later on. I dont like wasting my time on someone who is lying or pretending.

I find it very helpful. There was one recently where a poster was being super rude to someone, I looked at her previous posts where she was lecturing others to #bekind.

It was deliciously ironic

It's a bit overinvested but for me anything that involves a simple search like that is fair game. I know I never would have uploaded anything that could be reverse searched like that as my privacy is important. I namechange constantly to avoid AS. It's very easy and quick to match up data these days so anyone who cares about keeping their information private just doesn't risk it. You have to take responsibility for your own information and where it goes.

I mean, I couldnt be arsed to do it but if the option is there then people will use it wont they?

I think if you put your details out there then it's inevitable that you will lose control of what people will do with them. Thats just basic modern online safety. I agree that people have to take responsibility for what they share and if its private then you dont share it on a public forum 🤷‍♀️

To me, "creepy" would be someone turning up at my home or ringing me, not googling something I had shared publicly online.

It is a shitty thing to do BUT there are also so many threads asking 'AIBU' where you really can't get a proper answer without going into specifics, and where the OP isn't willing to be specific enough. So you just have one side of a story setting out all the reasons why the OP is perfectly reasonable, why the 'other side' is unreasonable, and nothing concrete to base a useful answer on. A waste of time. I'm not justifying the sort of sleuthing you describe OP, just saying that if you're not going to be specific enough to allow an unbiased answer to be given, then don't bother posting in the first place.

Don't put anything on the Internet which you don't want to share with the world.

There are so many trolls on here I often look for previous posts/threads and usually they don't have any.

This is normally when a poster gets themselves in knots because they forgot in their history they posted they are a 74 year old six foot blonde with 12 dc and a then post that they are 19 with twins.....

🤣 yes.

If you are genuine then why on earth would it bother you if people can see your past posts. Surely you wouldnt have posted them on a public forum in the first place if you didnt want people to read them?

I use the AS function quite a lot, and am not ashamed of it. It's used in a 'is there more to this' thought of mine, rather than malice. I use it a lot in cases of potential DV/couples arguments because it provides context.

There are a lot of 'am I overreacting ' threads which taken in isolation do seem OTT, and then you do an AS and it's clearly the straw that broke the camels back. So a poster that's upset that their partner wants to stay out late with his mates, but when you look, he has a history of violence when drunk, or they've got a 3 week old twins, or he goes on drunken benders every month whilst stopping the OP from seeing her friends.

Or sometimes it's to see if something is real. I AS poster recently who said she had 9 children, and the older 4 were all girls. I was a bit 🤔, but on doing an AS it all checked out over a prolonged period.

I'd never nitpick small inconsistencies because lots of us change those for anonymity though.

Eh? if the function is there, then I will use it. Thats what its for.

If you feel its so creepy and horrific then you should contact MNHQ and ask for it to be removed.

Agree.

Even people keep exact examples of hobbies, holiday destinations etc private but posters feel the need to say ‘it’s Greece isn’t it?’ When it’s not maybe that relevant!

Yes this, and when posters copy and paste posts that OP made 3 years ago to prove her kids are different ages to what she has posted or something similar….

If you are using that function you are bloody weird. Sorry but you are.

What invasion of privacy? Nothing you post on the internet is private.

No need to apologise, I dont care.

I think it’s a lesson in realising that things are not quite an anonymous as you think they are. I have no issue in people using advance search as that’s what it’s there for.

Reminds me of the time Mumsnet was hacked a few years back and a user was Swatted by the hacker (had armed police sent to their house). The hacker didn’t get the info from Mumsnet but they engaged with them on Twitter and the hacker found their info from open social media. It’s really easy to be naive and think everything is anonymous when it isn’t.

Yeah, people do get overly-interested. It's a weird MN obsessiveness.

'My husband came home late, was moody and didn't want the pasta I'd made. He just went upstairs with a bottle of wine and he's still there now."

"What shape pasta? It matters!"

I think people have too much time on their hands! I wouldnt have a clue how to do this even if I wanted to! Seriously creepy and weird.Surely the whole point of this excellent site is to be anonymous .

I find it really concerning when posters post the Rightmove link to their house. I know anyone could see it on Rightmove but it just doesn’t sit right with me posting it on here. I am maybe overly cautious with internet safety though. I could never be an influencer knowing the details that people are able to look up / work out / share online.

I also agree that people on here are weirdly demanding about specifics so they can “advise”, it’s just for their nosiness!!