Are all baby / preschooler groups intolerable or is it just my experience?

[cassietredegar]

The cliques, the over-preciousness of some parents with their darling children, the absolute rip off of the groups themselves (some around here are £20 a time!). Does anyone go to any groups they truly love or have made long term friends from? The best I’ve been to are actually the free church based huge ones.

They have always be intolerable to me even over 30 years ago. They just don't suit everyone. Maybe it's just not your thing. Thankfully they are not complusary

I only liked the churchy ones which was a bit of a surprise! I agree with the sanctimonious and overly precious behaviour on display at some of them.

I agree. It's hard to find a good, welcoming one. There's a lot of cliques, especially once you reach the toddler stage. I've found outdoor groups, forest play groups, to be the most welcoming.

And the way you learn the kids names but not the parents names. Like the parents arent real people, just ‘mum of x’. Agree that the church ones were best, and they didn’t mind atheists gatecrashing.

I did a lot of singing ones and I loved them. But my baby really lit up (she is mad about music now) and I’m the kind of person that needs to get out and about. I know plenty of people who weren’t into them and preferred to be at home.

My child isn’t in any childcare so I feel a bit obliged to ‘socialise’ them outside of our family / friends but it usually ends up being stressful and unpleasant for me and a bit shit for them (think expensive groups that never live up to their cost and ‘leaders’ that are actually not very good with children)
funny most of us enjoyed the church ones- I’m atheist too and just used to dash before any of the religious songs which they never minded. Kind non judgemental older women mostly running those and was really nice but now we’re too old for them.

Ah that's a shame they don't allow toddlers at your church groups. You aren't in the South East are you? There is one near me which allows any preschool aged child so up to 5yo. You can't get away from the hymns at it though. But I honestly enjoyed them as they reminded me of my granny 👵

People only talk about cliques when it comes to women. I used to meet up with friends at toddler groups on my one day off. I’d chat to new people and do my best to be welcoming but sometimes a friend would be struggling when juggling a couple of kids, lazy husband, job etc and maybe we’d look like a clique at times which wasn’t the intention- it was just the only time we had chance for a cup of tea and a catch up. We did expand the group through toddler groups so hopefully we were friendly enough.

It takes time though. When I first went to the local group I honestly thought everyone knew each other and clearly all were local and went to school together etc. That wasn’t the case- it just took 2-3 weeks to get to know people.

Not to generalise but I find older ladies often have better social skills. Maybe more experience or they were the generation where people still talked and mobiles weren't a thing! There are a lot of cliques at these groups and the school gate.

Is it a clique or just a group of people who know each other? If Mumsnet existed 30 years ago I bet the school mum clique threads would be exactly the same.

I enjoyed most of the groups we went to, but for me it was about going somewhere to do activities with my baby, and I wasn't desperate to make mum friends. My favourites were a music group (which was the first stage of a Saturday music school, my eldest still attends aged 9), swimming and baby gym which was free play in a fully equipped gymnastics hall (my dd still does gymnastics classes there). Personally the church type groups weren't for me, I liked having a structured session with someone to entertain my dcs.

I agree that the church groups are the most tolerable.
Pay a pound or two, get a brew, bit of a chit chat and songs, lots of toys.
I'm not at all religious so when I first heard about them I presumed they weren't for me.

I went to 2, very different experiences. The first one was in the tiny village we lived in at the time - church hall, cliquey Mums, etc. It was the same toys every time, just haphazardly laid out in the hall. I didn't enjoy it but DD loved it so we went every week (from 18m to about 2). Nobody spoke to me, not even on the first morning, except to take my £3. It was strictly one biscuit per child at the end, too. I found it a bit depressing and thought that was what all toddler groups were like.

Then we moved house and found a new group, and it was WONDERFUL. Different activities every week (nothing extravagant, but they had a rota of toys that were set out - Play Doh, puzzles, dolls, puppets, ball pond, cars, etc). It was in a hut with a baby area and a toddler area, outside space for the nice weather, a little kitchen you could see the DC from if you went to get a drink. Every session there was a craft activity, story and snack (DC could have biscuits and fruit, no limits!) followed by rhyme time. No pressure to join in if your DC wasn't interested, they could go and play if they wanted to. It was donation entry and I always tried to give whatever I could because it was so good.

I took DD every week from 2.5 to 4.5, then a couple of years later I took DS from 18m to 4. When I was pregnant with DS the people running it would entertain DD at a table for a bit while I had a sit down. They were angels! They did a Christmas, Easter and Summer party, and even during Covid they found a way to make the morning work safely. They were part of the church so occasionally there would be a story or a song about Jesus but it was fine and not rammed down your throat.

I didn't make lifelong friends or anything, but I didn't go for that. Some weeks it saved my sanity! I was quite emotional on the very last day...

I did a few of these groups with my first DC. What a waste of time, energy and of course money. I was in a gentrified part of East London and paid ridiculous amounts for baby gym, art, music, sensory sessions and other nonsense. Learned my lesson and didn’t do a single one with second DC (who is ironically a lot more artistic/creative than DC1). Agree that the church hall based groups are the most tolerable!

The ‘strictly one biscuit’ per child has got me chuckling- we’d be thrown out for biscuit theft 🤪

I’m going to guess we may be neighbours 😫 yep yep and yep.

I never paid more than a £1 a time and made good friends...suggest you go for the local playgroups in the churches.

Unfortunately a lot of them here are only up to age 2/3 and were inbetween 3 and school age. I’ll keep looking though for new ones.

I have never felt the need to waste money on expensive groups. If I want to paint with my child I'll buy some cheap fingerprints and do it at home. If I want to sing songs, I can do so any time, anywhere! And don't get me started on the nonsense that is "sensory play" 🙄

I do go to several church hall groups, though! Different toys, different people, and a cup of tea and a biscuit in a different place! That's all I need!

But I wholeheartedly agree with the people who say that cliques are generally a myth. They're just women talking to other women they know. It's not a personal slight against you.
And don't sit in a corner and be miserable that noone talks to you when you're not talking to them either! Just make conversation as your children are playing. "Oh, Timmy! Can you give that trick back to the little girl, please? Sorry about that! So, who have we got here? How old is she?" That's sometimes all it takes.

They are mostly fine unless there is that one child who pushes and snatches whilst their parent is busy on their phone. Everything else I can handle.

I quite enjoyed them, there was a Salvation Army one near me and they did tea and hot buttered toast and the ladies who ran it were lovely. Made some good friends there! The other one was at the local library and they did stories and singing and some craft activities. My little one enjoyed it and it got us out of the house ☺️

The best ones are the cheap/free ones. Not sure if there are as many of them as pre covid but we used to do some in church halls, one in a community centre run by local mums, one in the children’s centre - rhyme time I think it was and also a baby swim class run by sure start in the local leisure centre. I’m the kind of person who can’t stay in the house all day so it kept me sane and I wasn’t necessarily looking for friends as I have plenty, more for company and a change of scenery during maternity leave/ days off. I would never pay for a term of classes as babies are so often ill and I think they are often a rip off - I mean “baby sensory” - you get the same in a church hall with songs and a box of ribbons

I wish I'd have gone to the church ones. I hated all the expensive sensory/music ones. I found them very cliquey. I did enjoy my free breastfeeding group, but still didn't make friends.

I try and I'm very social/extraverted tbh and have lots of friends from hobbies, but I am neurodiverse but I feel like an alien in your average mum settings. I can't explain it, I just feel like I don't fit in, and people do find me eccentric. I'm also a lesbian, and I do find it hard when everyone assumes I'm straight, as it makes me anxious to mention my partner is a woman!

If I have another, I'm gonna try and set up my own, specifically for nerdy mums 😂 I have a friend who owns a board game cafe, and I'd be all over going there and starting video games and babies, where you can bring your newborn, and just chill playing Mario Kart or Pokémon together, or whatever, on your handheld 🎮

@Ladamesansmerci I am long past the baby group years but I LOVE the sound of a parent and baby group in a games cafe. It would be brilliant.
😍

That's because most kids are in preschool/ playgrafter that age