To think I don’t owe my estranged family an invite to my wedding just to “keep the peace?”

[PeaceOverDrama]

I’m recently engaged and have been estranged from my family since 2020 (so nearly six years now). I’m 32 and while the distance hasn’t always been easy, it’s been the healthiest choice for me.

Yesterday, my friend said “not having your family at your wedding would completely destroy any chance of making up.” She also said “because you’re beautiful, your fiancé’s family might like you now but once you’re married , that’ll change and you’ll need your own family again.”

I found these comments really unsettling. AIBU to think some people project their own fears about family onto others and that choosing peace over appearances doesn’t mean I’m making a mistake?

I’d also appreciate hearing from anyone who’s been in a similar situation, did you invite your estranged family or did you stick to your boundaries and still have a peaceful day?

If you’ve gone 6 years without them are you even bothered about making up? Hopefully you will have a happy life with your husband and his family will also treat you well. Should you ever need support that doesn’t have to be family, friends can also step up in times of need. Although your friend doesn’t sound much cop tbh. Why invite family you haven’t seen in 6 years just because it’s a wedding? Makes no sense, share that day with those that love you both and are there for you

just to add my DH has nothing to do with his mum hasn’t for 13 years, we married 7 years ago, we didn’t even think about inviting her and we still had a wonderful day

Is she really a friend? Do you have a close enough relationship where she can speak her mind? Tbh it sounds like she's stirring.

Your friend seems to have little common sense...

I assume you cut off your relatives for a very good reason and you have missed them for the past six years so I have no idea why your daft friend would think that getting them back in your life would be a good idea.

I am estranged by choice with my mother and her side of the family and I have zero intention to ever speak or see her again. I did this for a very good reason and I have felt so much better for doing so.

Some people are just unable to understand that because you are related to someone does not mean that you should have them in your life.

Ignore her and make it clear if she starts that line of discussion again that you expect her to respect the choices that you have made as a grown adult and she can't do that then distance yourself from her ''wisdom''.

My DD recently married, she didn't invite her grandma ( my DH mother), she doesn't agree with the way she treats my DH, and pits her DC off against each other, she also didn't invite her half sister ( my DH daughter), as she accused me of reporting her to ss for giving her dd too many sweets!! last year, of which I was able to 100% prove I didn't, and she refused to apologise, so my DC have cut contact with her, my DH only maintains contact so he can see his granddaughter. My DD has no time for this kind of nonsense and drama so just didn't invite them, her rational was, if I would happily shout you a £130.00 meal out then you make the list, if not then no. We all had the most amazing day, even with DH brother who did not agree with his DM being excluded, ( although he made his point quietly by not giving a wedding gift), My DD view of that, was, well he seemed to be having a lovely time, and that was the point of the invite.
I would say invite those who matter to you now, unless you genuinely want to reconcile then don't be coerced into inviting them with future what ifs. Not sure why a friend would give you that kind of advise, seems a very strange comment to make. Have the day your truly want.

We uninvited mil from our wedding. And neither of my dps were there.. The day is about you and your dh.
Why risk inviting drama?

Your friend is another one you should go NC with

I've been nc with my family since 2019. There's not a cat in hells chance that they're going to be invited to my wedding. I survived having kids and a pandemic without them, I think I'll be alright lol.

I didn't invite one of parents who I was very low contact with and who had been awful to my other parent.
I had a much nicer day without them pretending to be a "normal involved parent" and there was no stress.

The only downside was that I didn't feel that I could invite their siblings eg my aunts and uncles, but we had a very small (20ish people) wedding anyway so it wasn't a massive deal

When I told my parent after the fact that I was married they were obviously fairly miffed but our level of contact has stayed the same (ie some but minimal) so it hasn't completely torched the relationship. That said I was fully prepared for the outcome of that (and didn't really care either way)

"AIBU to think some people project their own fears about family onto others and that choosing peace over appearances doesn’t mean I’m making a mistake?
I’d also appreciate hearing from anyone who’s been in a similar situation, did you invite your estranged family or did you stick to your boundaries and still have a peaceful day?"

Don't know if YABU or YANBU as I can't work out what you're asking.

If you've been NC with your family for 6 years, and are very happy with that decision, why would it unsettle you that a friend says you'll regret it if you don't invite them to your wedding? So YABU.

Or are you asking if, after getting married, anyone has come to regret cutting off their family, however terrible they were? In that case, YANBU.

Or do you want reassuring that your decision not to invite your family is the right one, even if other people disapprove (if that's what you mean by choosing peace over appearances)... or your friend says your in-laws might turn nasty (because you’re beautiful, your fiancé’s family might like you now but once you’re married, that’ll change and you’ll need your own family again)? That's neither BU or NBU. Though I'd say YABU, simply because it's unreasonable to ask such a loaded question, when you clearly just want validation for your reasonable decision... while slightly sticking the boot into aforementioned friend (AIBU to think some people project their own fears about family onto others?)

I think your friend is one of those people who just don't understand how toxic some families can be. I am fortunate to have a great relationship with my family but I wouldn't dream of telling someone estranged that they should make up with the people they wouldn't have broken with unless things were pretty awful. But some people just don't get it, as far as I can tell.

My family were at my wedding and we're now NC, so we're doing a vow renewal so I get a wedding that they had no involvement in 😅 so I 100% think you should only have people you want at your wedding, who are good people to you.