Not being invited. Oversight or not?

[foodlovefood]

I live 4.5 hrs by train from my mum and brother. My mum and brother live about 10 mins walk from each other h other so naturally see each other h other loads. I see my mum in a city 1.5 hrs away from her other once a month. It’s an open invite and my brother occasionally comes with my niece.

my brother has moved in with his partner who has 3 late teen kids. Every event I go to his a show about her and she makes a big show of me being part of the family - I am as it’s my mum and brother! She loves Christmas and is excited about having their first Christmas as a family. She has been great at making my mum included in all their family events.

She is nice but quite overbearing, I can only tolerate in small chunks. She gets too involved, for example when my dad died she organised the funeral, which upset my mum and me as we obviously wanted to be involved. She thought she was helping as she said we were grieving. She didn’t know my dad much.

she seems to call them the family and I now can’t see my brother without her as they have to be together as a family or she has to be included in calls. Calls my mom mum etc. seems a bit much. I have a gut feeling something is not right? But my brother is in love. My partner thinks she is a bit crazy. I know dynamics change, but it’s annoying I can’t speak to my brother without her.

apparently I have upset Christmas. Due to work commitments I can’t make it down for the day. But did say would be great if we can meet up at the weekend before new year in the city I meet my mum for food and maybe a show or weekend after Xmas. All seemed good. All knew and said would get back to me with preferred date.

however my mum has told me my brothers partner has organised a family day out in the city on the day I suggested. I said great what are the plans. My mum went quiet and I asked if I was invited? Said nope. She said the show was booked ages ago which is sold out and dinner in a posh restaurant. Mum said she may have said I was busy at Christmas and everyone forgot about meeting up.

turns out I wasn’t invited and not included as part of the family. I feel this is punishment for not going down at Christmas or just being left out.

should I say something or ignore.

Ouch.

It's hard to figure out from your post (and nothing wrong with your post) if it's an oversight or deliberate. But either way it's hurtful.

I think you need to ask your mum and brother why you weren't invited when you'd suggested that weekend, that city to meet.

I am sorry, it's not fair to punish you for working over Christmas.

This strikes me as your SiL being jealous of your relationship with your Mum and Brother. She is guarding them from you. I would not play her game. As she is such a dominating figure you will lose if it comes to picking sides.

As hard as it is, I would say nothing. To me she is just trying to get a rise out of you. Your indifference to her games will wrong foot her.

I think it’s quite possible she knows you don’t like her… you can’t expect her to keep extending invitations when you have no desire to be around her. At least she’s tried.
I can understand you being hurt that your mum has double booked herself on the day you wanted to see her though.

(edited to say that she does sound insufferable so I can see why you don’t like her btw)

Haven't seen my ds for a year after he got involved with such a woman.
Make your own plans with dm and don't invite her or db .. Ultimately your db is an adult.

And don't be wasting your money on gifts..

Why didn’t your mother or brother say something when she was booking the tickets? ‘What about foodlovefood,, let’s she if she wants to come?’

Not the point of the the thread but why did you and your mum allow her to organise your dads funeral, if you didn’t want her to? I don’t get how that can happen.

But as for this festive day out, that’s really hurtful. As it sounds like (unless I’m reading this wrong) it was you who suggested this meet up in the city, ft a meal and a show, and they said “yes that sounds good, we’ll get back to you with a date.” And then what, how long later was it that your mum told you they’ve gone ahead and arranged it, but you’re not invited? I don’t see how that can be an oversight sadly. As for wondering if you should say something or not, what did you say immediately after your mum told you about this? How did you respond?

She sounds breathtakingly pushy! Calling your mum, mum? Arranging your dads funeral? I’m with your partner. She sounds very odd!

Proceed with caution.

@MaplePumpkin we went out to sort paperwork and came back to her having choose the company, wake etc. all we had to do was meet them. We hadn’t even registered the death. I stopped it as it wasn’t what he or my mum wanted.

my mum thought I was busy at that weekend and says she got the dates mixed up. My mum said she was just told it was happening. My brother will have been caught up with the family chat to realise.

the invite was for the family to meet up and do something together. My partner was coming too.

last year I also worked, but offered to host as just bought a house. Mum came and rest were supposed to come between Xmas and new year. But that didn’t happen.

She sounds like a "bulldozer" type. No way was that an accident that she booked something very likely to sell out on the exact day you had proposed yourself.

She probably has an idea in her head about perfect family Christmas and decided you aren't part of it, whether it's because she's pissed off that you can't come Christmas day or if she's just decided you are surplus to requirements. So she's engineered things to shut you out of a post Christmas get together.

The real issue is not this nutty woman (she sounds sooo intense and these types tend to vanish as quickly as they appeared, so she might be dust by next. Christmas) but the passivity of your actual family. Your brother I'm not too amazed about as sadly men will often take the easy road and appease the woman who is providing regular sex. But your mum ... that's really bad. You literally fixed a date with her and then she let herself be bulldozed by the nutter, and has a weak excuse like "i thought you might be busy"???

I don't know what to suggest but you're definitely not unreasonable.

No you’re definitely not being unreasonable.
If I’m reading your posts correctly this is not the first time you have been let down? Are you seeing a pattern here?
Any chance you can still go to the city and do everything but the show?