Lost my temper in front of my 3yo. Feel like the worst person alive

[mumstressoutmum]

I just need to vent and I'll take the backlash...

I need to vent...I feel like a horrible mum.
My son is non verbal and autistic and is very emotional and honestly quite challenging (he can have super happy days where he's just great). I'm usually very, very patient but I lost my temper this morning.
I am unwell, I'm exhausted, so I asked my partner to take our son to school because I have a high temp and I'm just so weak I didn't want to move. Well, my partner needs to be told EVERYTHING. What uniform is he wearing? Where's the syringe (for his meds)? Where's this, Where's that, what are we doing about this? Honestly I just couldn't even rest for one morning because of this and it infuriated me. And then my son was refusing to take any antibiotics from the syringe because my partner approached it all completely wrong (things have to be done in a specific way with our son because of his autism), and then he started screaming at the top of his lungs. I've been listening to him scream non stop for days because he's had a ear infection. I do feel awful for him. Add to that, last night my partner came home from work and done nothing to help at all. So I've been non stop for days because my son has been home from school. Even when he tries to help, he just does everything wrong or needs instructions. I don't usually expect help at all because I'm a SAHM and he works...but when there's illness in the house, I wouldn't mind a hand.
After all the screaming, for like days, this morning I lost my temper. I tried to take over doing the meds, my son just screamed and screamed and I lost it and threw the syringe across the room, didn't shout but just ran in to my bedroom. It clearly upset my son and he started crying more and I just feel horrendous. I just lost it, I went in to my bedroom...and then into my bathroom, closed the door and hit the sink like ten times to get my anger out. I calmed down, came back in and apologised to my son...but he probably hates me so much right now. I hate my partner so much right now. If he hadn't been so hopeless and just let me rest without asking a million things, I wouldn't be in a position where I'm frustrated and feverish with a migraine and dealing with rushing around this morning. He said yeah, I'll get him ready for school/nursery...and then it's 8.30 and there's still things to do even though he needs to leave in ten minutes. I just wish someone could look after things for me well enough FOR ONCE. It doesn't excuse that I lost my temper in front of my son, but honestly that was a long time coming as I've been a saint for months and months while dealing with impossible meltdowns. I just wish I could've walked out calmly. I'm ashamed of myself.
Is it hormones??? Emotionality?? Is that why I hate my partner right now

Also PSA...my son is on his last day of antibiotics so is better. I'm not sending him in unwell. The screaming today was purely a meltdown. 🥲

You are not a robot OP, everyone loses their shit occasionally. I hope you feel better soon, it all sounds very stressful 💐

Don't be so harsh on yourself. You're dealing with tons of things and I'm pretty sure every mum does that at least once.
Husbands who need to be told everything are also frustrating.
If they're all out of the house now make yourself a hot drink and put your feet up. Recharge your batteries ready to go again later.
Your son does not hate you and he will have forgotten this long before you.

Don't be hard on yourself, it sounds like you handled your frustration pretty well given the circumstances; better to leave the room and not shout.

When you're feeling better, I think you should talk to your partner about how he needs to build his confidence on taking the lead looking after his son when you're trying to rest. I do think sometimes we fall into the role of one person in a relationship doing certain jobs, like getting the kids ready or being the main caregiver when they're sick. It's likely your DP has got into the habit of asking unnecessary questions he could work out out the answers to and doesn't realise how annoying it is (especially when you're ill).

Hope you and your son feel better soon .

My autistic dc is now 18......it is hard enough when they are well, but when you and the dc are ill its a nightmare.
It brings home the reality of the situation.
Be kind to yourself over this.....you are doing your best in an impossible situation.

You will lose your shit many more times over the course of your life. You can alleviate the risk by relying on others, stepping back and saying 'no' where possible, etc. But regardless, you will still hit your limits and lose your shit.

The child(ren) will survive. You don't need to beat yourself up about it.

Oh the constant questions - my OH can be the same and sees nothing wrong with it. If I've asked him to do something, it's because I don't have the bandwidth for whatever reason. At that point, I don't want to then have a million questions - what size do I cut the carrots, what saucepan should I use, how long do I boil them. I want to scream "you are are a grown arsed capable human being You can work this out for yourself". He says he doesn't want to get it wrong...

Your son will be fine, he will have a day at school, you will have (hopefully) some quiet time to yourself so you start to feel better too, and tonight you will have a cuddle and all will carry on as usual.

Your OH - well, perhaps it's time he took on a bit more of his Sons care so he knows what to do!

Personally, I think losing your shit every once in a while is absolutely fine, it also reminds the rest of the family you are not a super human and also have your limits.

DH is similar when he does the school run and it's so annoying. What he doesn't get is all the prep bits, doing the shoes and teeth etc are the hard bits. The actual trot to school is fine (unless you are ill).
Hope you get a nice rest today.

Thank you all for your kind words...I am feeling a lot better reading these. 🤗

Please stop beating yourself up, it's hard, especially with a ND child with an infection 😫 The usual things don't work and you can be pushed to your limits, because of the worry but also the impact of behaviour, which is exhausting amd relentless!

Is your son the son of your dp? Of is his s9n too then abput time he lesrned where everything is. Apart from medication which you must ensure is given correctly then leave him to work it out

Yes it's our son together, no other kids. ☺️ you're right. We had some words about it and he apologised for being 'no good this morning'...
I'm worse today and he managed to take him in today and asked no questions and just let me rest...so there's progress afoot!