Thanksgiving and hosting

[BeAzureRaven]

A friend of mine has hosted a few TG dinners for our small community in the past. This year she is hosting again. It is held outside in her garden, and usually about 20-30 people attend. It's potluck and BYOB. (We live in a warm climate) She cooks the turkey and a few sides, and hires a couple women to help with the cleaning before and after. She asked me if I would co-host with her this year, which involves bringing my potluck dishes as usual (salad and a pie) in addition to splitting the cost of the turkey, the cost of paying the two helpers, taking care of the table decor and bringing enough cheese and crackers/baguettes for all the guests. So I agreed because I always enjoy having TG at her house, and I was happy to help. BUT when she sent out the invitations she didn't even mention that I was co-hosting. She didn't mention me at all. When I saw her a few days later she said "Oh, I'm going to let people know you are helping me." But she never did. To send out a notice saying that now would be weird (not that she has) The invites were emailed 2 weeks ago. I haven't paid her anything yet. I think the total will be about 150-200 USD. Would you say something to her, or just let it go and not volunteer if she asks next year? I feel sort of taken advantage of...

That’s a bit odd, if she doesn’t want to or can’t afford to host she would be better asking everyone to bring more or not hosting at all.

Its pretty rude of her.

However, you've enjoyed her hospitality for many years and though you've probably brought many a dish to share, you don't mention ever offering to contribute to the cost of the cleaning or the many extras like the cheeseboard, etc, that made the meal something to look forward to over the years.

I think you're being a bit mean and unnecessarily cross about her omission. Get over yourself and do what you agreed to do.

I’m not sure how I’m being “mean”. I haven’t said anything and I plan to do what I said I would. My question was whether I should say something to her (ie ‘wondering why you didn’t mention me as being co host when you sent out invites’) or to just let it go. Not sure how that is ‘mean.’ I am a pretty generous friend imo—I treat her to dinner on her bd , drive her places (she doesn’t like driving) and I just took her out to a restaurant she wanted to try which was pretty expensive. For no reason. So it’s not like I’m abusing her hospitality. She likes to entertain and is proud of her cooking/entertaining skills.

On the basis that the local community has been happy to partake in one person’s generosity for years without offering a contribution, I doubt it’s going to make any difference whether or not your friend lets everyone know that you also helped out this year. It clearly isn’t sustainable any more for your friend to be shouldering the full financial cost as well as hosting, so if you want it to continue going ahead I’d suggest next year that she requests a dish and a small financial contribution from all attendees rather than just her or her and you doing it all.

Maybe I will suggest that, but it totally is sustainable for her, I know for a fact. And to add context, other people in the community host events too--sometimes other people host TG, one couple does a 4th of July and a huge New Years Eve party every single year, and various other people regularly have parties or dinners. It's almost always potluck and NOBODY ever asks for a financial contribution. I usually just have smaller dinner parties and include people who have invited me to their events.
I guess I just feel snubbed because it seems as if she's glad to have my help without giving me any credit. Which isn't the end of the world, but it does make me feel like the next time she asks for help I'm not going to want to do it. All she had to do was say that I was the co-host. I've decided that I'm not going to say anything or ask her why she didn't do that, because it would only make things awkward between us.