Relationship with parents - AIBU?

[GreenGrass555]

Just wondering about this as I've been reflecting a lot recently on my relationship with my parents. I am 30s, they are 60s. We're not close and I think it's basically that I just don't feel I can talk to them about anything 'real' and being around them gives me a suffocating and anxious feeling. My life is quite 'sorted' in a lot of ways, in terms of career, owning a home, being in a long-term relationship etc. , but there's also been a lot I have found difficult and I've definitely suffered from depression, but if I ever try to open up to my mum, she looks so uncomfortable and clearly doesn't want to engage. I'm not talking really dark or deep stuff here (I know there is no way she could handle hearing about that), but sometimes I might just raise things in conversation like dissatisfaction with work, a painful falling out with a friend, that sort of thing - the normal if difficult parts of adult life. Everything is either "oh well, never mind" or makes her so obviously uncomfortable that I don't want to press the subject because I don't actually want to upset her. We lost a family member last year I was close to and I've tried to talk about them but again, I can tell she doesn't want to although I know she is grieving them too.

She's always been like this, I was a terribly depressed and unhappy teenager and while I can see she cared and was worried, she never offered any real support. I don't think she's ever once asked me how I'm feeling about anything and just listened. There have been times when I cried in front of her and she pretended it wasn't happening and kept talking about something else. It makes me feel as though I'm crazy and over-emotional and it's exhausting and depressing to be around and I have no idea how to talk to her about this.

She never talks about her own feelings either - a lot of complaints, but never any serious acknowledgement. I think her own life is quite unhappy in a lot of ways but she'd never acknowledge any of it - she's convinced she's a positive and cheerful person but it's only recently I've picked up on how anxious and unhappy she often actually is. I have tried asking her gently sometimes if she is OK, because she's so clearly emanating an obvious anxiety or unhappiness, and she will swear flat out that she's fine... when she isn't! It's making me want to avoid being around her entirely. Does anyone else have this? Have they found a way to make things better? It's getting to the point where I can barely stand to be around them, they make me feel like I'm going crazy!

My mother is, and always has been, like this. She's now in her 80s and has gone though life as some sort of dismissive Pollyanna.

'Never mind, you'll cope', 'Goodness, what a tale of woe!' 'Buck up, people don't want to hear you complain!'

These are the sort of things she says - always in a brisk and bracing tone. She makes brave statements about her own life (which is quite dificult) and will never want a difficult conversation about anything real.

I just make surface talk with her and am aware that there is absolutely no point in ever sharing anything about my life that I'd like support in. I won't get it. I treat her as an elderly acquaintance and feel it is entirely her own fault that we are not close.

That sounds hard. This isn't quite my mum - expressions of emotion actually clearly make her so upset and anxious she can't cope with them, but I can tell she cares. I can also tell she'd like to spend more time together, and she is basically a nice person. But it's impossible to talk to her about anything difficult or real - my life, really

My mother has some similarities, but like the PP, she doesn’t give any indication she actually cares. I’ve had the whole crying in front of her thing where she pretends it isn’t happening and won’t ever speak about it. The last time it happened I really needed some support and she made it abundantly clear she wasn’t going to provide it. And yet she gets ridiculously teary over anything even slightly dramatic or sad on television, and cries about random people having pregnancies or medical treatment (for even minor things).

Interestingly, she finds it extremely difficult to cope with most things that crop up in her own life. She has the emotional (and often mental) capacity of a child, and gets incredibly anxious about very minor things.

At this stage, we have a very surface level relationship. We talk about nothing important. She acts like we are super close but she knows nothing of importance about me anymore. I stopped giving her the ammunition.

I think that generation was brought up during a time when things were GENUINELY very very tough, and it was sometimes better not to say things out loud.
In this day and age we’re all far more in touch with and comfortable about discussing these things, but for the older generation they have some hard habits to break. I’m sure for some, there’s a will to break the habit, but it can just be too difficult.

It’s nice that you can recognise that your mum cares, but struggles to cope with sharing feelings etc. I’d say be happy with that knowledge and don’t force an uncomfortable conversation - use friends or other family for that support.

My mother is similar. Any time I've ever come to her with some problem or difficulty she just wants it resolved as soon as possible, so she brushes it off with a 'try not to worry' or a mad solution that she thinks would instantly make everything ok again. It's wearying and I don't share my life with her because of it.

Not everyone knows how to react, and "Try not to worry" is the best they can do. They can't help it.

My mum totally lacks emotional intelligence.
She has no patience with any issues and just wants to hear everything is fine.
She has let me down in the past very badly, especially when my husband died young.
Over the years l have made a conscious decision to step away, to stop wanting or needing her support, to realise she is not my safe space. I am polite but nothing more.
I did it as a form of self protection and never regretted it because her behaviour was hurting me very badly.
The problem l have now is acknowledging all the years of neglect and total lack of support, yet l am expected to care for her now she has been diagnosed with dementia. Of course l don't want to see her struggle or suffer and l do the best l can to care for her, but it stirs up a lot of very complex feelings.