AIBU / Relationships — Need a bit of perspective: gone no contact with parents and sister since April

[FreeSpiritedOne]

I’ve been NC with my parents and one of my three sisters since April and I suppose I’m just looking for some perspective or to hear from anyone who’s been through something similar.

I’m the eldest of four daughters. Our childhood was quite unstable, my dad had multiple affairs (he even had a child with someone else), we witnessed DV, both my parents came from very difficult upbringings. My mum lost her mum at six, my dad lost two siblings when he was very young, and neither of them ever really learned how to show love or be emotionally present. I always made excuses for them and tried to understand it, but as I’m now approaching 50, I’m realising how much it’s affected me and even my own adult children.

When our youngest sister passed away suddenly in 2020, it was a truly an awful time, something we'll never get over, however I stepped up (as usual) to support everyone and organised everything alone. I’m “the strong one”, the one expected to hold everything together. But despite that, I’ve always been on the outside, they have family barbecues, holidays, Christmas get-togethers and I’m either left out completely or invited as an afterthought.

Last year, for my birthday, I didn’t get a single card or even a text from my parents or sister, just a Facebook post. I kept trying, turning up, buying gifts, keeping things civil, but it’s not reciprocated.

The final straw came when they decided to get a memorial stone for my late sister. They asked me (with two days’ notice) to contribute £££'s. I explained that I couldn’t at that moment but would do so in a couple of months. My mum said that was fine. Two months later, I found out through my niece that the stone had already been placed and nobody had told me or my children. I was utterly devastated, how could they? My son had just left the UK to work in NZ for 3yrs too, he could have seen his aunties stone before leaving? I decided not to contribute at that point and went NC.

I then realised I’d spent decades chasing love and validation that just wasn’t going to come. Since going no contact, my life feels calmer. I’m not constantly second-guessing myself or wondering what I’ve done wrong.

Just to add to this, my husband’s family are the total opposite, his mum is amazing (sometimes too amazing!) and it just makes me even sadder that my own parents aren’t like that. As a mum myself, I’m nothing like my parents, thank goodness. My children are my everything. I think becoming a mum has made me reflect even more on my own upbringing, and I’ve realised I’ve excused my parents far too much, for far too long. They didn’t have to be like that as parents.

I suppose I’m not asking how to fix it, I don’t really want to. I just want to hear from anyone who’s made peace with walking away from their family. How do you truly move forward? I feel settled, but there’s still that small part of me that feels stuck between relief and sadness.

Thank you for making it this far, there's so much more I could of added, a whole books worth!

I went NC with my sibling a couple of years ago. Both parents dead. Her behaviour over mums death (and a whole other back story of life long abuse) made me walk away.

I could no longer stand the behaviour and the constant fall outs and abusive messages.

I feel calmer now but feel sad that I couldn't have the relationship with my sister I should be able to.

I still occasionally get abusive messages from her but I just ignore. Whatever she messages me, she always has to remind me what i've done wrong, or what she thinks I did wrong. She hasn't ever once tried to reconcile or talk about it. It's just more mud slinging.

You have my sympathies, OP. I have been NC with my siblings for around 20 years now. The reasons are all very complicated but ultimately there's no way round it. Ironically, one event that happened years ago is pretty similar to your example with the headstone.

I was terribly upset for years about it all. I developed clinical depression for a while not only due to an abusive marriage but because of the treatment towards me of various members of my family. But the cliche 'time is a great healer' is true. I am fine, happy and stable now with my own lovely family.

I sometimes feel envy when I hear people talking about the support and laughs they have with their siblings - mine aren't capable of any of that. I would have loved to have a relationship with siblings but it is not to be. So, the bottom line is, you cope, you move on but in my case, with a residual element of sadness.

OP, yes they are family, but they are also just people. And sometimes we don't get on with certain people, don't like them or disagree with them. That's all fine. You don't have to see these people who make you unhappy just because of some shared DNA.

Concentrate on those people (family, in laws & friends) who do make you happy - you will feel much lighter and more contented.

OP you have my utmost empathy. I’ve been very low contact with my covert narcissist mother which by necessity has evolved into no contact.
Similar story to yours - forever chasing validation and a small iota of recognition for everything I do for her, but never getting that.
She has turned the entire family against me by scapegoating me, and no matter how much I did for her it was never, ever enough. She would complain and be negative and talk crap about me behind my back, all whilst praising the golden siblings who did nothing for her (and she would never expect them to).
Since going NC it’s been a lot easier to focus on improving my own self worth and of course lovely to be able to look after my own family rather than have to think about her needs constantly - however no one tells you that even after NC the emotional attachment is still there and some days I could barely function for feeling so sad about it all.
If she didn’t treat me the way she does I would have done absolutely anything for her, but there’s only so much you can give before you realise you need to give up and step back for your own mental wellbeing.
I’m still a work in progress in terms of not dwelling on what could have been, how it’s unfair that my family ignore me because I’m not pandering to my mother, how I wish I had a mother who actually loves me and not what I can do for her, a mother who has genuine empathy and concern for me rather than worrying about how I make the family look - I could go on.
I have been “healing my inner child” for the past 4 years and only recently have I started to feel like I’m ok even without a family and mother. It’s going to take time but you’ll get there, you are definitely doing the right thing by protecting yourself.
If I had to look at one more Facebook post of photos from a big family Christmas gathering that I wasn’t invited to, it would have tipped me over the edge. I have to keep reminding myself that NC is better than constantly feeling unworthy and less than.
Sending hugs OP, you are not alone 🩷

Iam none contact with my father,not seen or spoke to him for 15 years.
Bit of back story....all our growing up life my father was the most misrable anti social man ever,he ruled us with a rod of iron.we adored our mother. My father didn't let us speak, left the room if me mum and sister were laughing, got told off for cuddling the dog!! I mean ffs! He showed no love, wouldn't spend money,my mother waited on him he did nothing, family holidays consisted of rainy caravans in Scotland sitting in silence while he read books. I never had conversations with my father, let alone love and cuddles,apart from been told I was thick and a disappointment I didn't go to university, neither did sis.
Fast forward to 2011 I was 38 my sister 35, our beloved mother died at 66 of pancreatic cancer,we were devastated, we lost our everything.
3 months later he met another woman, and became Mr personality,treated her like a queen, spending money,holidays ,she was 5 years older than him. My father lives in a big house,stables fields etc.
I've never seen a person change over night
We didn't like how he treated her so wonderfully, plus I didnt want her ramming down my throat 3 months after losing our beloved mum.
She hated us and made no secret of it.
She told him he had to choose between her or us, we both got solicitors letters saying horses had to leave the property, we didn't feature in his life anymore we were disowned and disinherited. They never married
And we've never seen him since,that's 15 years ago.
However we did find out a few years ago this woman committed suicide apparently she didn't want to be 80 so took an over dose.
I really hope he's sad and lonely alone or might of even died.
She was 5 years older than him.
I feel a massive weight off my mind not having to walk round on eggshells round him.
My biggest regret is he should of died first

You have my sympathy OP, family relationships can be and often are a source of pain and sadness. It sounds like you have done the right thing for your own peace of mind and wellbeing. I think it's ok to feel sad that your relationship with your family isn't what you would wish it to be, while accepting the reality that this is who they are.

Concentrate on the people in your life who you love and who love you. We don't choose our family but we can choose the ones we love and those who bring joy into your life.

It's so challenging isnt it? Ultimately it's like grieving the fantasy version you long for in your imagination?

Thank you, that's some lovely advice, and it's where I am now, putting energy into people that love me.

My mother was a complete narcissist and spent years turning my sibling against me. She actually died this year while I was nc with her and my sibling and its been a weight off my shoulders. But im so sad that the damage is done with my sibling and that my dc have cousins living in the same small town that they will never know. I feel sad for my babies not for me though .

Yes pretty much. Agree for the relationship.I should have with my sister rather than the shit show I ended up with.

I don't want her back in my life.She's not worth it, and she's pretty much fallen outwit and alienated everyone in her world in one way or another. It isn't just me. The common denominator in all of her poor relationships is her.

But I can't help but feel sad for the sibling relationship.I feel I should have.

Goodness me, I could of wrote the exact same! My experience mirrors yours! My mother too is the main issue, she's triangulated our whole family. It's incredibly sad because I was very close to my siblings, but she's recruited them to be her flying monkeys!

What a challenging childhood, and adulthood. Bless you. At least you and your sister had each other through all that. Your poor mum.

That's the most difficult part, how it affects your own babies? That was the last straw for me, they had done it to me for years, I'm not about to sit back and allowing them to do it to my children.

Thats why I went nc as well. She was messing my dc about and id had enough of it. My job is protect them