To say something or not?

[Welshys]

My best friend from school has totally ignored my milestone birthday. She's not good at keeping in touch and it's always me who arranges meeting up, I always text first etc. She'd usually send me a birthday text, I usually send her a card and maybe treat her to lunch. My birthday was September, I texted her last week to see how she was and she told me the great news that her only child got a fantastic new job, she's planning a holiday, but not a mention of my missed birthday. I'm quite hurt- I didn't want anything, a text would have been lovely. I was tempted to say something - AIBU?

I dont see any point. It would be better to change your expectations of this friendship, it's evolved and that's ok.

Some people are crap with birthdays
I am one of them.

By all means tell her it's important to you if you havent already but its weird youve been friends this long and youve never made it clear.
Also she isnt going to get good if she has always been bad so i'd lower your expectations

It may also be the friendship has drifted and shes not interested.

Tell her and then dial back the effort you put in. Stop being the one who texts first. Don’t make any effort for her birthday. She’s showing you with her actions how important you are which sadly it doesn't sound like you are.

You say she’s your ‘best friend’ but also that she’s ’not good at keeping in touch’ and that you always initiate contact and organise meetings — you appear not to have been in touch since before your birthday in September. It sounds as if things are drifting, regardless of the birthday.

I wouldn’t say anything it doesn’t sound deliberate. Either she’s crap with birthdays/dates or she’s just not as invested in the friendship as you.
id try to figure which it is, if it’s the first is it a deal breaker? If it’s the second you need to start matching her energy.

Thanks for the replies. It's just it's a big birthday and first year she's never texted. I know her well and feel it's deliberate for some reason. Anyway, I'll probably just let it go

I wouldn’t let it go as to my mind she’s let you down. But I know many people will think thats too confrontational. I’d let her know that you feel hurt. Good friends don’t forget important birthdays.

Why would you feel it’s deliberate, that indicates there is a back story of falling out or something has happened, from your op though it feels she just forgot.

I was in the same situation recently. Long-term friend who I used to be super close to started putting in less and less effort until I realised it was always me coming to see her, contacting her first, making all the effort basically. It’s easy for people to say just accept you’re not that close anymore and adjust you’re expectations of the friendship but it’s hurtful that you’re not interesting/exciting/good enough for them anymore (assuming it’s not down to their life/family situation becoming very demanding etc). Personally I didn’t feel like I should have to have the friendship she wanted on her terms and seeing her just made me feel not good enough, so I cut her out and it was the best decision. Don’t give anyone your time and energy if they don’t give it back equally, no matter who they are or how long you’ve known them.

But to add, if this was a one off and she genuinely just forgot then I’d let her know she forgot but ultimately I’d let it go. I just got the impression this was a pattern

Thank you, this is how I'm feeling now. It is hurtful after so many years.

Completely agree. It's not your best friend @Welshys if she doesn't remember your birthday and doesn't bother to arrange to meet up with you until you do. She may have remembered the previous birthdays out of some kind of sense of obligation, i.e. because you remember hers, send her cards and arrange lunches.

If I am very harsh, then I'd say she may have even intentionally "forgotten" your birthday to stop you from remembering hers, so she doesn't have to feel any obligation. I don't want to upset you, however. You know her better. It could just be this one year but to me it sounds like it's time to find new friends.

I have really bad adhd . You can not believe the things I have mixed up / forgotten etc. what I forget has not relation to what’s important - like the night before our wedding I realised I had not seen my engagement ring for 5 days … took me hours to find it.

don’t wait so long next time. I would have sent her a text that day saying so excited to be Xx to remind her of it was important to you

You're right in what you say. It's not just this year. As I say, it's always me who arranges things. Her big birthday is another few months away... I'll still send her a card, I won't be petty, but it's upsetting to be honest

I'm not going to say anything about my birthday, but am going to take a step back from being the 'organiser'

It sounds like you value the friendship more than she does. Other than having forgot, was she expecting you to have invited her to a party/get together/drinks for your 40th? You feel that it is deliberate that she hasn't mentioned it, so is there the possibility she didn't text or send a card as she feels snubbed that you did something and she wasn't invited?

Can you wish her a Happy Birthday on Facebook or something like that instead? This will help you keep your initiative to an absolute minimum.