MIL so full on with DS

[Sparemum6]

Just as the title says really I’m struggling with my feelings towards my MIL and son. My DS is 18 months old, I know my MIL doesn’t mean any harm but she is so full on with him and I always end up just feeling like a spare part. Shes just been away with us for a few days (FIL passed away a few years ago), and I’ve come home feeling disassociated from my child and like we didn’t spend any quality time together.

Just a few examples she will spend all day picking him up, OTT singing, giving him anything he wants. I don’t have the same energy especially as I’m 35 weeks pregnant. I really try to assert myself as his mum by changing his nappy and clothes etc but MIL is always there in the background, like I’ll be changing the nappy and she will be stood behind me making stupid faces so of course he laughs at her and I’m just the annoying person changing him. She buys him loads of toys, way before we’ve had the chance to even think of them, then makes a big deal out of how she bought his first this or that. She’s bought him a bike for Christmas and not discussed it with DH and I, and now announces she’s bought lots of playmobil too to ‘start his collection’ - this hasn’t even crossed my mind as he’s not even 2 years old?

MIL looks after him once per week and I have no choice in this currently as I can’t get another nursery day due to lack of availability and I can’t reduce my hours. Once I start mat leave this will reduce. I’m glad they have a nice bond but she definitely sees herself as a third parent and I’m quite a passive person so struggle and end up just giving in and letting her take over.

She was the same with DH’s SIL and they ended up moving very far away, I know SIL felt the same.

I’ve tried explaining this feeling to my DH and he doesn’t get it really, he thinks it’s just MIL helping and I should be less sensitive.

AIBU here and how can I step in? I feel it’s damaging my bond with my son.

Can never understand why mils act like This, especially when they are mothers themselves.
are you able to have a chat with her and explain how she’s making you feel ? X

It does sound like she's being ott and not noticing your cues, especially while you're heavily pregnant and surely want to be soaking in these last few weeks of having just your first born. She should be mindful of that as well as knowing the early weeks of a new baby with a toddler too are important and you will miss your dynamic at first while your new normal grows around your family of four.

Your husband needs to get behind you with this and have a serious word with her about the gifting, I mean a first bike is such a precious purchase and moment. She has had her time there. It's very easy giving gifts and sweets and revelling in the affection of a child but she needs to respect the relationship of you with your child first.

It's also lovely She loves her grandkids so much, but why oh why can't some of these over bearing types take a chill pill, so much unnecessary family drama comes from their antics.

But your husband needs to have the word and say, and you probably also have to say it in the moment if she overstep too unfortunately.

Maybe she just wants a relationship with her grandson. ☹️

Just set some boundaries and keep to them. But it's nice shes loving and caring.

I had a really close relationship with both of my grandmothers but my mum was always my number one. She can never replace you!

I don't have any tips OP, but this is how my MIL acted, and I really feel for you.

Ask SIL to speak to DH?

Better that than the opposite.

You just need binaries in place as to how often you see her.

I do remember how it feels to be pregnant with a little one tho, everything is magnified to the nth degree anf you can overyjink everything.

Your babies will love you more than anything, honestly.

Excuse typos

It’s nice that she cares and I don’t want to deprive her of her grandson but my own parents don’t act like this (and I’m not saying this just because they’re my parents!). We’ve been away with my parents, they played with DS and helped change him if I asked them to but it was quite clear I was ultimately the mum and had the final say.

My son’s GM did this and smothered him with her antics. He’s older now and has no time for her. More to the story but she crossed boundaries and she’s reaped what she had sewn.

My Mum did all of these things you describe your MIL doing. She has a close bond with all of her grandchildren and was an invaluable help over the years when the days were long and the nights were short.

You sound insecure and petty - is anything else bothering you? Why the jealousy towards your MIL? Your children will always know that you’re Mum - whether you change their nappies or not. Try and find a way to discuss this with your husband and then make a plan to speak to you MIL in a way that doesn’t hurt her. As others have said: you’re lucky your MIL dotes on her grandchild.

I cannot believe this complaint. My mil never looked after dc, never played with them and certainly never changed a nappy. He’s having a good time with her I assume and you don’t know how lucky you are. Would you like to do everything in 4-5 weeks time without her baby sitting? It will be onerous with 2 under 2. I’d accept her help and be a bit more grateful. No help sucks.

It's really annoying

I would sit down with my husband and say she is driving you up the wall, and you need some back up on boundaries ie no more shared holidays and checking in on gifts

Limit the time she is around

At least you get childcare out of it and your son and engaged grandmother - but if she's getting a day a week she shouldn't need a whole bunch more. I'd let he'd deal with nappies and clothes when she is with him though.

Think about moving in the long term

I completely understand where you are coming from as my situation was exactly the same. Yes she’s being a loving grandmother but she can also be that and not overstep boundaries or try to take over.

Unfortunately my DH was similar to yours so I ended up pushing back, setting boundaries and expressed how I felt but it didn’t end well.

Good luck with your pregnancy and I hope you manage to get your DH on side. I recommend the ‘Mind your boundaries’ podcast on YouTube for lots of helpful tips and advice.

Well as long as she's not weird when things don't go her way and doesnt throw a self centred tantrum when DS goes through the inevitable tantrum and pushing away stage...
I would enjoy it or take him to a separate room to change him
Ask her what he's planning on getting him and ask if you can give ideas
Or buy a bike to keep at hers and one at yours etc

I would consider it's maybe a mix of her personality and your hormones and if you're naturally soft spoken/a pushover then you will be more prone to stew things over.
If she is genuinely a positive influence I'd let it go. I used to give up all parenting at my MIL and mums 🙈🤣 here is your grandchild, goodbye!

Life is much harder without hands on in laws that are interested, tread carefully. Having involved grandparents won't damage the bond with your son, that only happens if you're completely uninvolved or passing him off constantly

I do think you're overreacting slightly, i can't see what shes done that would affect your bond with your son. You sound very insecure.
It's great you have a very involved gm and you would be very petty to take her day babysitting away because you feel threatened.
Speak to your dh and suggest to him to speak to his mum. Set up boundaries ie she needs to speak to you before she buys big purchases.

You were away a few days with her, anybody would be over stimulated spending time so closely with family, but don't let your insecurities ruin what sounds like a great relationship between the two.
You are his mum, noone will ever replace you.