To tell everyone to bugger off

[burntoutnurse]

I’m getting a bit overwhelmed lately.

im 43, menopausal. Work full time as a nurse.

I have 3 children. 2 left at home. 14 and 18.

14yo dows one activity a week. He would like to do more but I just can’t fit it in.

18yo works. But cannot drive yet. So often my days off are taking him to and from work. Although he will get lifts for the late night finishes. Test is very soon!

Dniece. Is very troubled (also 14yo) my DB is a single dad. She has no contact with mum so I’m second contact for school, they ring me weekly. DN rings me often late at night. She’s stuck and can’t get home. I can’t bring myself to say no in case, anything happens to her. DB only has a works vehicle so limited transport.

my grandchild is 6. His mum isn’t my daughter, dad is my son but they don’t have contact (my sons choice and I haven’t spoken to him since he walked away) mum recently signed him up to a sport. The game are 30-45 mins away on a weekend. She also does not drive. Any parties he’s invited to. I take him. I’ve had to say no because often his games clash with my own DC’s activity.
she will also often ask me to do school pick up if it’s raining (they don’t live far from school!)

today I was in work, on a bus shift and between my DGS and DN my phone has not stopped all day.

im also not feeling very well and hoping I haven’t picked up the stomach virus my own DC last weekend.

DH works away.

I feel like I’m drowning. But in everyone else’s shit!

YWNBU to tell everyone to bugger off. You do A LOT for everyone else, you seem to have a lot of dependents and put yourself last.

You can’t be responsible for everyone’s safety/ happiness. Concentrate on yourself and your DC. Everyone else will have to sort themselves out for a bit!

Fuck em, fuck lot of them,
ds18buses it, bikes it or changes job.
dgs mum sorts his activities and transport to parties.
dn where’s she going so late at night?

OP - you are not a taxi service at the detriment of your health. Put your own oxygen mask on first.

Sorry your DB is a single parent but weekly calls from school to you as a second contact is not right. He needs to step up, whatever his circumstances. What is DNs consequence for poor planning?

The Mum cannot sign DGS up to a game 45 mins away without reliable transparent herself. She needs to find something else she can manage independently.

Only check your phone during set hours as this is all too much and you have a responsible job you need to focus on.

Sounds rough ☕️

Sorry just read the school pick up if raining comment.

This is an indicator of how she views you. My response would be:

”As a nurse I can confirm that skin is waterproof”.

I think you need to prioritise and make yourself less avaliable

1. Tell dil that unfortunately you cannot do dgc games at weekends so she needs to organise lifts.
2. Turn off your phone at work. Make sure your dc school has work number ext if they need to contact you. No one else.
3. Ask to be removed as a contact by dn school.
4. Turn off your phone as soon as you get home. Perhaps have separate mobile for dh to contact you

Take a week off work, if possible go on holiday alone or with a friend, if not, then tell everyone you're not well, go to bed with laptop, book and a certain amount of alcohol!

Hi Op, could it be peri? x

Thing is. DH and I had a holiday not so long ago. Soon as I come back it all starts again!

Here there and everywhere. DB has no control over her. SS are involved and has been for years. Hence why I’m a contact. She had a traumatic experience in year 7 and since then she’s fallen in with a crowd and is quite frankly a nightmare atm! School just keep suspended her. Which is what she wants. So she does the same thing over and over! I worry for her

Peri? 😂 I’d just add that the the whole pile of a shit show of family taking the piss (not intentionally), I bet OP doesn’t even have time to think about her own symptoms.

OP you need to let your DH know, speak to the family let them know you are being pulled in all directions and ask for a family meeting to buy yourself some space and time, you can’t carry on like this you’ll get sick and with Christmas coming I know your load will just be getting bigger.

Can you talk to the family, aka them to come up with solutions. For you so you can take some time/ days for yourself.

I'm feeling overwhelmed just reading that! No wonder you're feeling the way you do. I'd get a piece of paper and do two columns: have to do versus nice to dos. Divide up your tasks/responsibilities and just focus on the have to dos for the time being. If you feel guilty about cutting back, just think to yourself how you're actually modelling healthy boundaries to your children. Late night calls are no good for anyone. DM might benefit from support from school counsellor about weathering emotional storms. Well done for looking up from the hamster wheel and recognising the need for change.

So DB needs to go on some parenting courses or something to help him manage the situation and also get help for her.

You are there to support not do, and whilst you’re picking up all the pieces, it’s enabling bad behaviour and everyone around you is letting you drown.

Genuinely don’t mean to be harsh. Just reframing for you to see.

Instead of picking up dn, could you send her an uber. Explain that after x time you won't be going back out but you'll make sure she gets home safe - or ask db to pay if you organise, if she doesnt want to tell him for whatever reason.
Dil needs to sort herself out. I'm guessing she's young, but still, she has a child and needs to start walking in the rain etc. Ask her if dgc needs a new coat to keep dry in the coming bad weather and be less available.
As for ds18, is there no way of him getting himself to work? How did he think it was going to work? Have you made yourself so indispensable to everyone that they cannot imagine how to function without you there shuttling them around?

Jesus wept, I was exhausted just reading that. Honestly OP all round you need to man and woman up and sort their own shit!
Honestly OP you will end up having a nervous breakdown. Let the lot of them at it and concentrate on your nuclear family and mainly yourself.

I’m in menopause. I did say that in my post I think. Periods stopped over two years ago. Only had mild symptoms until this year

We unfortunately don’t have uber here. Or taxis really after a certain time unless booked in advance! My DN has had a god awful upbringing and I do feel for her but she’s also old enough to accept help and she refuses, the school have offered so much support. SS don’t really do an awful lot now she’s older.

DS is pretty good at getting himself to and from work tbh. I can’t really complain about him. I put it in my post to highlight I still have my own responsibilities to my own children you know?

I’ve said no to DIL two weeks in a row now. She’s well aware my own DC has an activity on a Saturday morning which will clash. I’ve said a lot to her she needs to learn to drive. A relative used to be her transport but they are unable to drive anymore. Difference is, they did not work at all. I’m full time.

thankfully DH is just on the other end of a call so I moan and lean on him a lot but hes away for a few months at a time. And generally I manage my own life fine when he’s not here! It’s just everyone else shite coming to my door!

Op I’m rooting for u but u need to stop being the doormat for everyone else. U need rules and u eed to stick to them. Not
be guilted or emotionally blackmailed.
they use u because they can. Simple.
make a timetable for urself with everyone’s requests and requirements. Agree
to the ones that u want to do, or
to those that
u are willing to do eg take ds to work ONCE a week. Pick up dn once a week. Make the rules. I mean even doing this is to me
srill pandering to them but it is a start to get them to realise how much u do and how
u are
no longer going to be at their beck and call. They can only do to u what u allow them to do. Take back ur life.

Not only is it in your interests to tell them to bugger off, it’s also in theirs. How do so many of your relatives not drive?! This is ridiculous. This expectation that the nearest woman, with her own car/money, will relentlessly make herself available and share her resources with everyone around her will never stop while so many of us do it.

You need to send a message to your brother - your daughter is your issue now, I will have an auntie role but not a parental one. Can you imagine in any world him ‘stepping up’ to parent one of your kids and driving out to collect them at midnight and taking phone calls from the school on a weekly basis? If not, why not?

You’re letting everyone take the piss. Start with the brother and niece, then send another message to the exDIL to say your work patterns have changed and you will no longer be available for any pick ups and reduced birthday parties.

Please don’t just vent but carry on and start a new thread in a few months, actually do something to change it.