To think forgiveness culture just rewards bad behaviour?

[ReluctantSaintWren]

We’re told to forgive, move on and “let it go”, but that often just lets people escape accountability. Some acts shouldn’t be forgiven; they should be remembered. AIBU to think forgiveness is overrated and sometimes self-betrayal in disguise?

I guess it depends on the severity of the situation but forgiving and moving on makes things easier for us. Unfortunately, it's not always that easy to do.

I don’t know what you mean by forgiveness ‘culture’. Are you saying our society has become too forgiving at an individual level (like forgiving people who are mean) or a social level (less harsh punishments for criminals)

I think that there is a bad understanding of forgiveness actually.
Genuine forgiveness releases both you and the other person emotionally. But it does not release them from consequence. I can forgive the person who broke into my house, but still call the police.

Forgiveness does not actually mean forgetting. It means that I don't hold on to the anger or upset, I release it.
But that does not mean that the consequences vanish.

For me, you let it go, don't let it take over your life anymore.
Gave so that you will no longer harbouring toxic feelings.Yourself which are destructive.

I've never seen culture telling us to forgive forget, move on and keep these people in our lives.

Can forgive and move on without ever seeing this person again?It just means you're not holding on to any harmful emotions.Yourself.

There have still been consequences for the courty.Because you're no longer in their life because of their behaviour.

I hold an epic grudge OP 🫣🫣 Like to the point where the name of someone who wronged me in primary school will come up and I’m like, “Yeah well they were a dick when we were 8 so they’re probably still a dick now” 🫠😂
I do agree to an extent that there seems to be this culture breeding (I’ve noticed it more among the younger millennials and GenZ) where people do something shitty and there’s a weird sense of entitlement around being forgiven for it - almost like people can’t just own that they did something awful. If you did the shitty thing, you were obviously confident enough in it to do it, and I’m under no obligation to forgive you in order for you to make yourself feel better. For all I care, they can stew on the regret for the next 25 years 🤷🏻‍♀️🫠

I do not know, AI bot, do you have a detailed example of how this has been relevant in your machiney life?

I agree

But another post from somebody with this formatted username, not specifying the mysterious "they" and referring to a "culture"

I'm not sure we do have a 'forgiveness culture'. More and more frequently I see the attitude that if someone does something wrong, it's an irredeemable act that should follow them for life. I see far less belief in the idea that people can be rehabilitated, that bad decisions or even mistakes are irredeemable, that there's no scope for putting an action in the past and moving on.

I am personally not a grudge holder, and I think I'm happier and better off for it. I also think forgiveness is an important motivator for human improvement; what incentive is there to do better if you're told that your past actions forever define your future?

Good morning daily AI bot, thanks for today's random discussion on society norms. I'll look forward to tomorrow's almost identical thread.

I know what you mean, but the thing is that holding anger towards someone hurts the person who is holding the anger more than the target of that anger. You can't force someone to be accountable for their actions (unless its serious enough to be criminal).

I don't think people are necessarily saying you should welcome someone back into your life with open arms. If someone has really wronged you you shouldn't have to pretend they've done nothing wrong.

But carrying a huge grudge towards another person for a long period of time will make you feel worse than they do.

No robotics here, just a human observation. I’ve seen a lot of people pressured to ‘forgive’ things that were never really resolved.

I think you’re right that some people never allow others to move on, which isn’t healthy either. What I meant was more about situations where forgiveness is pushed prematurely, before there’s any real accountability or change. It can end up protecting the person who caused the harm more than the one who experienced it.

Which is exactly why the people pushing it pushing it.

Not verbatim, but two useful quotes

"To forgive and forget is to throw all the benefit of experience out of the window" - forget which philosopher, Nietsche, Schopenhauer (sp)

"You don't have to forgive and forget to move on. Eventually, you just move on. It's fine." - Taylor Swift

I must stop answering these because I'm worried I'm training AI therapy bots. Free of charge.

Yes, users are. I’m hoping that people are starting to notice the pattern now.

You are conflating forgiving and forgetting.

There's behaviour I'll forgive but it doesn't mean I'll forget it, it still shapes my idea of that person and I won't be caught out by the same thing again and again.

Equally there's behaviours I don't forgive or forget as the impact its had left lasting problems.

I do agree with you to an extent though. If I had a penny for every time I heard someone say "you just need to let it go and move on" "holding onto the anger only hurts you" etc I'd be a rich woman. It's always as easy as just letting go and moving on when you've been hurt and had no closure, when the person who hurt you isn't sorry or even acknowledging what they've done. It's not helpful to suggest someone just forget how they were treated, it's flippant and rude.