To think it’s easy to say sorry when you’re caught out?

[ThatClearOliveFox]

I’ve noticed that some people only apologise when they’ve been exposed or called out, not because they genuinely regret what they did but because they got caught. It always feels a bit performative, like they’re just doing damage control rather than taking real responsibility.

AIBU to think that a true apology only counts when it comes before someone confronts you?

So what would you prefer them to do? Not apologise at all and when confronted by the person they'd upset, shrug and walk away?

Humans are complicated and messy.

As for this: a true apology only counts when it comes before someone confronts you? I think this is a bit simplistic, because often people do see things from their own perspective, but that can be changed by hearing about impacts or can just change over time. Some people issue genuine apologies decades later.

The problem is we can't easily tell who is genuine and who isn't, that's the way it is with humans.

Oh hello, random three words name poster with a really abstract 'discuss' thread. Why don't you share some of your own experiences that make you think this?

An apology is still better than none. I just think intent matters. When someone only says sorry after being caught, it feels more like saving face than genuine reflection. A sincere apology usually comes with a bit of self-awareness, not just damage control.

Someone can be genuinely sorry about something but shame and hiding that shame can prevent them from offering an apology before they’re confronted.
I’ve been sorry in that past but hoped it all would just go away and I could forget about it. Not because I wasn’t genuinely sorry, but because I was shrinking from it, it has plagued my thoughts though.

Sometimes it takes 'being caught out' to appreciate the impact your action has had on someone. People do all sorts of things every day that are probably not ideal from other peoples perspectives. When they're confronted with and realise they've hurt someone they may well be truly sorry. I don't think you can generalise really as you can't see inside another person to know for what they feel. If you're offered an apology you don't believe to be sincere you don't have to accept it.

Sorry is a pointless and empty word unless it comes with a good reason and changed behaviour.

Depends

It's very possible to have genuine regrets and take responsibility, but the right thing to do is to shut up and keep what you've done to yourself.

being upfront about something might be more to clear your conscience and make yourself feel better, rather than genuinely trying to help the person you are apologising to.

So no, a true apology can take many forms, not just being offered before anyone found out.

Never gonna happen!

Sometimes they don’t realise they were wrong until they are confronted. If they apologise, the apology should be accepted.
If they make a habit of it, they should be avoided.

It’s actually 4 words, the same as yours.

It may be they are genuinely sorry they hurt someone, but not sorry for what they did. Hurting them could have been an unintended consequence of what they did. For example, someone whistleblows on something illegal happening in a business - right thing to do. However when everything comes out, the business goes under and people lose their jobs. They can be genuinely sorry for the job losses because they didn’t think it was so bad that would happen, but not sorry for reporting. I’m sure there are many less extreme examples…. Lying that someone’s outfit suits them but they find out later everyone else is laughing about them - you lied because you thought they liked it, you didn’t mean for them to be hurt by being laughed at.

Basicslly, it’s complicated!