Husband over planning/ arranging things - driving me insane

[Biosblbay]

So I had my second baby mid July this year and almost every weekend we have committed to people coming over, seeing people, going out etc and not spending much time together as a family. I have said to my husband on multiple occasions that we need to calm it down with the plans so 1. We can spend some time together and 2. We can get this house sorted because it’s always such a mess and we always have so much housework that keeps getting put aside due to how busy we are.

He dumped it on me last night that his brother is coming round for 2 nights on the 21st and 22nd of November infront of his family so I couldn’t really say No but thinking in my head “here we go again” and then next weekend he is out with his friends which is absolutely fine and that was already planned but he also decided to try and go golf with his brother and step Dad that morning despite him going out with his friends later that day which will be an all night thing, staying over and coming home the following day. I have an appointment this morning anyway so he couldn’t have gone, but this morning I decided to bring up the fact that even if I didn’t have my appointment it’s unfair on him to leave me at home, all day, all night until the next day with 2 children aged 3 and a baby 4 months old. Surely going out with his friends in the afternoon and all night is enough why does he feel the need to also go golf that same morning.

Everyone I try to explain my feeling and how I feel going out all day and all night is unreasonable he shoots me down, shouts at me, swears and makes me think I am really controlling and crazy.

I have had to put my foot down on a few things already because if he had his way he would be out all the time. Example… he joined the local dart team, it got to the point where I thought it was actually unfair he was going out every Friday night drinking and playing darts so I told him to make this every other Friday, so that way me and the kids get to spend some Fridays with him.
also bear In mind my husband does work, and does work crazy hours that the kids don’t see him much in the week and by the time he is home from work I am exhausted anyway so we don’t really spend any quality time together. This is also another reason I get really upset at the fact he plans things with everyone else but me and the kids. It’s like he finds ways to get out as much as possible.

I may sound controlling but all I want is some weekends with no plans or for him to plan something for me and the kids.

Am I being unreasonable here? I really don’t want to come across controlling at all! But pub every Friday night is excessive to me, especially due to the nature of what it is and the time, and am I out of order for saying that it would have been unfair for him to go gold Saturday morning while he is off out that afternoon and night anyway and wouldn’t be returning until the next day? Then on top of that having his brother stay over for a whole weekend.
I do not deprive him of a social life at all, he sees friends and family every week, he is even going out with his dart lot next month for their Christmas Do. I just want things to calm down a bit, be in my own home without people being round, no stress to rush to get out the door, get things in order at home and for him to spend more quality time with us.

the thing is he would have me go out all the time, but more so because it gives him a free pass to go out more.

This doesn't make sense - unless you get a babysitter in, you can't both go out "all the time". If you go out all the time he doesn't get a free pass to go out, unless he arranges a babysitter.

There are only 7 evenings and two weekend days.
If you go out 3 or 4 nights, and at the weekend one whole day or two half days including one lunch, then that would be half. He would then have a 'free pass' to go out an equal amount of time.

You can't make him want to spend time with you or stay home with no guests. You have to accept the way he is, or end the relationship.
(I would end it anyway, for the abusive and disrespectful way he talks to you).

I choose to see my friends once every 3-4 months which I think is reasonable
There is no point in you denying yourself social contact because of what you think is 'reasonable'. Go out as much as you want (up to 4 evenings and one weekend day), because if you don't go out he will, so he gets 7 nights and two weekend days to himself if you aren't taking up your "share".

I repeat, you can't make him want to spend time with you or stay home.

Gosh I could have written this. Used to send me calendar invites to expensive gigs. I remember calling him very excited once as it was a band I’d liked for a long time and he said that no, the invite was just so that I would know I was babysitting.

Shouting and swearing when you complain is the worst part of his crappy behaviour. He’s seriously out of order and being a slack father.

@EuclidianGeometryFan so when I say he would have me go out more so he gets free passes, he would stay at home with the children while I am out (sorry I should have made that more clear) - so he is happy for me to go out and wouldn’t care how much as such, as long as he was allowed out the same amount. So he pushes me to go out more often so he can too. We aren’t very lucky that we don’t get much support in terms of child care so we do have to socialise separately which is fine, he just doesn’t way too much for my liking.
I am a family girl, I want to be with my husband and kids more so I am happy staying home and going out with them at the weekend and I can see my friends once in a rare blue moon whereas my husband feels the need to go golf, darts and see friends and family every week at least once a week

OK.
He wants you both to go out, on different nights or days.
You want you both to stay home together.

It is just not going to work. You can't make him change. Your options are to accept him as he is and make the best of things, or separate.

You could try marriage counselling to see if there is a way you could both compromise, but that will only work if you are both prepared to compromise.
It won't work if either one of you doesn't really want to compromise on this issue.

You can't make someone want to change.

If I read this correctly, he wants to go out without you and the children and he’s prepared to ‘buy’ that privilege by ‘babysitting’ to facilitate you going out whether you want to or not. He also wants to fill gaps in his calendar with socialising with his family rather than buckling down and doing some DIY. You just want to go out without him and the children very occasionally but mostly want him around for some family time and sorting the house out ?

Sounds as if he doesn’t want to be part of the your nuclear family to me.

He is saying he is happy for you to go out but how many times has he actually had the children especially since the latest baby? I bet he has no clue how hard going it is for a whole day and night.

This is the problem. You can't make him want to stay home. You can only make him give you equal time 'out'.

Can't you sit him down and agree one family day each weekend, one half day you go out and one half day he goes out? (you can go and sit in a cafe for 4 hours; it's just to make the point really) Ditto split the evenings. I know it's not exactly what you want but I don't think he'll 'get it' otherwise...

How old is he? This sounds so immature, something men in their early 20’s do when they’re not ready to settle down. He’s completely opting out of family life, which isn’t fair on you or the children.

I think seeing friends weekly isn't unreasonable but the shouting at you etc definitely is. We each have evenings in the week where we can go out or to the gym and then the weekend is more for family time. I wouldn't want people over every weekend though - does he ask before he makes any of these plans?

@Halloweeeeeeeeen he has never done a whole day and night with the kids alone because I don’t feel the need to do this and I also know how hard it is so wouldn’t leave him in that position. I don’t need to stay out all day and night, I like to come home. He just doesn’t seem to care as much and is happy to do so. But I am fine with this if he does want to go out, I just hate the fact it’s so constant. He can have a big blow out by all means, but he does this as well as other things in the week or at weekends or has people over. Just exhausting for me x

@Offredismysister he is 29 in a few months but he is very mature in ways, he works and is the main income, has an important job that pays very well, but just immature when it comes to prioritising things or how to do the right thing

@Mandylovescandy unfortunately not, he either just arranges it and dumps it on me last minute or asks me infront of people to the point I have to say yes otherwise I come across as controlling

...he shoots me down, shouts at me, swears and makes me think I am really controlling and crazy.

He is abusive.

He is actively trying to avoid spending time with his family. And If you go out more you’ll never see him and it will justify him going out more too. He wants the life of a single man. This is sad .

There is a way of saying no that isn’t controlling - like “you said that was family time “

Why are you with an abusive man? Has he always been like this to?

But what I and other posters are suggesting is that he needs to be left with them to appreciate the position he is putting you in.

Absolutely! You say he encourages you to go out but sounds like he has no idea what it is like to be left alone with young kids for a day. If he did, he'd probably get where youre coming from . Like most of the rest of us reading this , do

Why do men like this bother committing to a long term relationship and children if that’s not what they actually want? Sounds like you’ve got an uphill battle with this one especially as he throws his toys out of the pram when you attempt to discuss it with him.

So he’s 28 and became a father at 25. That’s pretty young by today’s standards and he’s certainly still very immature. It sounds like the two of you are just incompatible; you like to stay in with family but you’ve married a social butterfly that wants to be out constantly. He may end up chilling out as he gets older but that could be in 5-8 years or so.

In the meantime he’s completely unwilling to compromise and turns into a nasty arsehole when you try to make him spend more time with his family. Is that really the way you want to live, and what you want to model for your children, for the next unknown number of years in the hope that he’ll change? Because there’s no magic script for you to read to him that will suddenly enlighten him and make him feel the same as you do. This is what he is right now: an immature twat that isn’t interested in being a family man.

It's becoming more and more common place that when women dare to challenge bad behaviour from men in relationships they are then described as controlling. It's so bloody blatant manipulation....

You want to stay at home with the children and you want him to want this too, sadly this is not going to happen. My Health Visitor said that ' once a man leaves the house, you go out of his mind' now I'm not saying this is true for everyone but it is for you. Stop wasting your energy on trying to get him to stay home, if you want a man who wants to be a family man, start looking elsewhere because this isn't him. The shouting is because you are calling him out and he feels guilty, but this won't make him stay home.

this

He sounds like a man who doesn’t want to be married with kids to me.