AIBU to expect more from my self centred “best friend”?

[ElGraham]

My best friend has always been quite self involved. Everything is about her and I have known this for years. I am 39 weeks pregnant and I feel a bit miffed that I never receive any messages asking how I am or how I’m feeling. Only messages when she wants support or attention from me.

a few examples just from the past few days:

1. I called her v upset after a particularly disappointing midwife appointment only for her to spend the entire conversation talking about how unwell she was and all the antibiotics she was taking for a chest infection and how she thought it would ruin her holiday.
2. I texted her excited that I thought my contractions were starting - she acknowledged and then proceeded to spend the next 30 mins texting me about how “anxious” she was that her flight to the Maldives had been changed now to a direct one and asked me consistently whether I thought her luggage would arrive.
3. She has been in the Maldives now for days, I haven’t received any messages asking how I am, the only ones I have gotten are pictures sent to me of her in a bikini on beaches.

She’s constantly posting on instagram about how hard her life is - she works 3 days a week from the office and the rest from home (where she spends a lot of those days going shopping, getting her nails done etc) and I just feel quite fed up that everything is always about her!

I know about her need to make everything about herself all the time - I’ve put up with it for 15 years! But I’m at that point now where she’s saying how she can’t wait to come over and hold and hug the baby but I feel that she’s most likely going to spend the whole time holding my baby and telling me about how tired she is because of her work/ gym training/ eczema regime rather than offering to help out or be a supportive friend!

I havent voted because she does sound like much of a supgpofrtive friend at all. But you are definitely being unreasonable if you suddenly expe t her to change the way she behaves 🤷‍♀️ All that matters to her is her it would seem.

I think relationships drift apart, and it’s likely to be the start of that now. Do you really need her?
Does she have children? My ‘best friend‘ left me for dead when I had my first. She had a son too who I had babysat regularly for years!

I've been here. Be honest with yourself...you don't actually like her much anymore. Time to let this friendship go. All the best with your new baby. X

I've been here. Be honest with yourself...you don't actually like her much anymore. Time to let this friendship go. All the best with your new baby. X

I've voted YABU as she's always been like this so why do expect more of her!?

Wishing she was different is just daft. To me she sounds vapid and awful so she wouldn't be a friend of mine, but each to their own.

It’s her life she can do as she pleases. Plus it sounds like she’s carefree and She’s on holiday!!… in the Maldives. Give her a break you’re coming across as the needy self centred one.

Many friendships peter out naturally when one friend starts a family and the other doesn't. It sounds like this will happen to you. You will have less and less in common. Hopefully you will grow a new friendship group among other mothers you meet in the coming months and years.

She's not your friend. Get rid.

Honestly in 20months you arent going to remember her surname.
Stop letting this live rent free in your mind

Focus on your beautiful baby and yourself.

Get to the free baby massage classes the council run, some baby groups.

Make new friends who
a. Arent self absorbed
b. Are at the same life stage

The question you should be asking yourself is why you've been best friends with someone you describe as self-centred for 15 years! You know she is like this so why would you expect anything different?

Your expectations of her don’t match the reality, and it’s causing you resentment.

You have two options: end the friendship or lower your expectations. If she’s been like this for 15 years then, kindly, it seems your expectations are much too high.

Perhaps you were hoping that having a baby was a big enough event in your life to magically change her into taking a serious interest in you. Sadly that hasn’t happened because it’s not how people really work.

Bluntly, OP, everyone is ‘self-centred’. We’re also interested in our friends’ lives because we like them and are interested in their thought processes, what happens to them etc. it’s not an either/or situation. Her antibiotics/holiday etc is more important to her than your pregnancy, because it’s happening to her.

You sound slightly as if, despite acknowledging that she’s always been this way, you think that because you’re having a baby, she should magically recover from her self-centeredness, and put your imminent baby above or at least on a par with her own life stuff. It’s unlikely to happen. Either you accept that or accept that your needs are different.

I kind of agree, she is on holiday she has probably been looking forward to it for ages and I think it’s normal to be stressed that it will get ruined.

Love the snide remark about homeworking too OP you can get everyone nicely worked up about people wfh getting their nails done.

Maybe just leave your friend alone for a bit and let her come to you. It sounds like the friendship is done though.

She sounds very self involved. But it doesn’t sound like she has children so I think sometimes it’s very difficult for someone who’s not been around pregnancy from close friends or had a child themselves to understand (or care). Is it your first child? I found my first pregnancy to be all consuming, it’s almost all you think about but that’s only the case for you. You having a child is the most important thing for you right now, not for your friend

She’s a selfish self centred person. Let her go and focus on yourself and your baby now.

If she doesn’t have a child already sometimes it can be hard to empathise with how tough pregnancy can be. So maybe she genuinely just doesn’t realise. More generally she doesn’t sound great. Why don’t you talk to her about it or move on from the friendship.

Hard to hear but she's hardly a friend, let alone a best one.
Time to find some better friends OP and not just those that like the sound of their own voices.

I had a friend like this! She is literally only interested in herself or if someone is having a drama in their lives she inserts herself into it as their saviour and then abandons them when she can no longer be bothered. She has absolutely no self awareness and just how much she is disliked by the wider friendship group. I keep her at arm’s length now!

If you already think she's self-absorbed

1. why would you expect anything more from her
2. why is she your best friend

I've just posted "why are so many MNers married to men they hate" on another thread and already it's time for the other MN bingo - why are so many MNers "best friends" with people they don't like.

Not unreasonable - I do think it's worth having a calm but frank conversation though - just tread carefully so neither of you get hurt!