TW: possible rape/mental health/suicide

[imsoconfused8]

Please bear with me as this will be long and I thank you in advance if you read it all.

I had an awful childhood which left me with depression and anxiety as a teen and adult.

I met my Husband in school and he has always been the love of my life.

8 years ago, aged mid 20s I had a mental breakdown after a few miscarriages in a row. Eventually, it got so bad that my Husband could not help me anymore and he left me for his own mental health, I refused to get out of bed/shower/see a dr etc I was literally rotting away. I attempted suicide and was hospitalised in a psychiatric hospital 40 miles from home.

DH kept in touch, because he still cared and loved me but he needed me to get better but he made it clear that it was unlikely we would get back together but he would be there for me as I recovered.

I was broken hearted. A male worker in the hospital started showing an interest in me, complimenting me, found me on social media and started messaging me. I flirted back, it was a distraction for me, someone who seemed to not reject me and I wasn’t sectioned so I could leave when I wanted/go out for the day etc.

He invited me to his for dinner and some wine and I agreed. When I got there, I had wine and he kissed me, I kissed him back but then he wanted to take it further and suddenly I felt sick that I was doing this when I was still technically married and in love with my Husband.

I said no but he told me to be quiet and he had sex with me, he slapped me across the face multiple times during this, held me down by my throat and when he was finished, I got dressed and he told me to walk to the garage down the road and get a taxi back to the psychiatric hospital which I did.

I avoided him but he kept messaging me telling me he is in love with me etc. I left 2 weeks later and even after I left he kept calling and texting until finally he got the message.

A year passed and DH and I got back together, I worked so hard on myself in intense therapy etc in the hospital and was truly a changed person. We’ve been better than ever since and have 2 wonderful, beautiful children and a happy home. My depression and anxiety is under control and I love being a Mum.

BUT, the guilt is eating away at me that I slept with somebody else (even if we were split up) and even though I said no at the time, I’d definitely led him to believe I wanted to whilst messaging etc so was it rape or was it consensual?

I’m so confused and find it hard to think about or try and process so I suppress it but recently I’ve been having nightmares about him.

I’m too nervous/scared to come clean to DH but if I keep having these nightmares I’m worried that my MH is going to suffer once again as I can feel it creeping in when I wake up I feel incredibly anxious when I’ve had a nightmare and I never want to go back to the dark place I was in all those years ago, I pride myself on being a stable, loving, happy Mum and I’m worried this will tear my family apart if I admit what happened because I know that DH will want me to report it, I know that deleted messenger and WhatsApp messages can be retrieved and they’ll see that I flirted with him.

I’m feeling really confused and lost and would really appreciate any opinions/advice.

Thank you.

I said no but he told me to be quiet and he had sex with me, he slapped me across the face multiple times during this, held me down by my throat

Yes, you were raped. Your nightmares indicate possible PTSD.

You were not responsible for what he did to you. He pursued you when you were in a psychiatric ward. That's incredibly predatory and unethical.

You said no. He didn't stop. That is rape.

You were raped. Maybe seek some counselling before working out whether/what to tell your DH?

Agree you were violently raped by a staff member who took advantage of a mentally ill patient! It’s not your fault, it’s all his! You should report it as he could do the same or worse to someone else. You need to seek out help and support for this to be able move on. I’m so sorry this happened to you x

This man raped you. He knew you were mentally ill and extremely vulnerable and that is why he lured you to his house.

He also worked at the hospital and shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near patients. Even if you’d consented to sex, he shouldn’t be allowed to work in a care setting ever again. Care staff aren’t allowed to have relationships with patients, for obvious reasons. He’s a serious danger to others.

OP you did not have sex whilst still married to and in love with your husband. You were physically assaulted, and raped, by a healthcare professional in a position of trust. This is NOT your fault. If you can, please report this to the police and the hospital. Get a good and trusted therapist to help you process this. I’m so sorry

Thank you all, I just don’t seem to have the courage to report it/tell DH. It terrifies me the thought of saying it out loud.

You have been so strong to rebuild your life after such suffering. You are a hero. You really are.

That man was a predator who took advantage of a very vulnerable woman in his care. The imbalance of power is shocking.

You have choices about what you do now. I would suggest you try and access some therapy and talk to a rape crisis line. They may be able to help you process what happened, and help you decide what to do next.

It is your right to concentrate on healing yourself and managing your family.
If you want to, you can report his behaviour to the hospital and to the police. That is entirely your choice. Even the messages that he sent are inappropriate, so you could screenshot them if you still have them.

Whatever you decide to do next, you have already done really well. 💐

I meant to say, as you begin deciding who to talk to about it, I suggest you write it down. You can pass it to a GP to read, for example, and ask for support with your mental health and referrals to sexual violence services.