I cut my step mum out my life, now I don't get to see my dad.

[Nodramalama85]

I fell out with my stepmother in July. She was verbally abusive to my son, my father and I told her to stop gently. She wouldn't. I then told her in no uncertain terms that she needed to stop. She threw food at me, and hurled abuse. I didn't respond, went to our room and waited with my son till morning. We heard her saying awful things all night. My son and I had no meal or drink that evening, and didn't get to eat till we were on the train home. We couldn't leave, they live in Dartmouth, I don't drive, there were no buses or trains till the next morning by the time I'd spoken with my dad.

my father initially agreed with me and said her behaviour was unacceptable. She has a history of behaving like this, we've often had to shorten our stays there and leave early because she's gotten drunk and abusive. I'd not seen my father for a year and was hoping to stay for a week. This happened on our second night. We left early the following morning, my father drove after us and took us to the train station apologising and stated that he could understand how we felt and why I was no longer prepared to go and stay with them again.

She hasn't apologised, she never has for anything.

I recently finished university and am
graduating in January. My father and I have always been close and he read every single paper I wrote during my years of study.

I am deeply saddened that he won't be at my graduation, he is invited. He said he can't come because he has poor health but is going on holiday that month to bear island with friends. I feel very hurt. I'm mourning the loss of our relationship. He and I used to talk for ours on the phone twice a week. We talk once a month now, mostly for about 20mins.

i did make weekly calls to him and text him regularly to check in but he told me it was too much and rather unnecessary. He can't make calls out when my step mother isn't home, they've made the phone incoming calls only. She has a mobile phone, he does too but he's never used it and it never really has credit. I don't really know what to do.

I don't honestly know if my son and I will ever see him again. I don't know that he's allowed to see me on his own or if he just doesn't want to.

am I being unreasonable to be deeply saddened by this whole thing. We stopped going down frequently, when we did we'd only stay a few days and we'd never unpack because she was always so volitile. I just really miss my dad and feel like the only way I can have a real relationship with him is if I tolerate her awful behaviour towards myself and my family. Am I being unreasonable to not do that?

She hurled abuse at your son, threw food at you and your dad gently tells her to stop!
He has now said you're being too much by contacting him once a week!
Come on OP! This is a weak man and not all of this is his wife's fault. He needs to stand up for you and your son and you know deep down, that will never happen.
I would be distancing from him and protecting myself and my son. Don't let yourself be treated like this.

Write letters? Anyway, keep up the calls even if less frequent.

Im afraid his actions show either that he is being coercively controlled, or that he prioritises his wife over you. I suspect a bit of both. Keep the communication open but you may have to grieve what you had before.

I'm in a similar position to you but my Step Mum is ultra religious and starts ranting about the bible until everyone becomes uncomfortable. She's prone to bouts of depression and anything can come out of her mouth, despite on the surface appearing quite normal at times. I'm now limiting the time we spend with her to once a year.

We both have to accept that our Dad's have made the choice to be in this situation and are continuing to chose to stay in the relationship.

Be angry with your dad for chosing a volatile emotionally unstable abusive woman over his DD and DGC. He allowed you to be in that vulnerable situation.

It's very painful to admit he's actually the one who has let you down but it is the truth. Once you've come to terms with it you will be able to process the situation more clearly.

Find your anger at him for what he allowed your child to experience. What loving grandparent would allow that to happen? Then start to move forward with your life without this horrible toxicity.

Don't waste years and years hand wringing over this. He really isn't worth it. Mourn the relationship you thought you had and accept the one you really have.

Yes, your stepmother's behaviour is completely unacceptable, but your father is choosing to stay with her and allow her to ruin his relationship with his child. This to me is even worse to be honest. She's obviously got severe problems, probably alcohol related. He's just a coward. A genuinely good father would not let anything or anyone come between him and his children.

Your father has made his choice and you should stick to yours. 💐

Sounds like coercive control to me.

How old is he?

Adult Safeguarding?

He's 67.

i do think there is abuse within there relationship. I've been told things by life long family friends who no longer see my dad that she's abusive towards him.

I have thought about reporting it, there's no or very little physical abuse. He would deny any reports and I have no proof for them to act on. I worry if I report anything it'll make things worse for him. He's a long way away from us so there's no way for me to keep an eye on the situation or protect him in any way.

Yes I do know he'll never side with openly, he does when we are alone. Inevitably, he'll say that it's not her fault. In July, he said her awful behaviour was his fault because she's been looking after him while he's been unwell. He's awaiting a hip operation, is in a huge amount of pain and is heavily medicated.

that's when I realised it was abusive and that I couldn't see them anymore. I burst into tears and told him that it not his fault he's unwell. I know it sounds awful really but I just can't see him ever being able to acknowledge or really recognise how abusive she is to him or to us.

My sm snubbed me and my dc. Sadly df sided with her. They came into big money. He didn't spend a penny on any of us. They bought a house and she told us we would never be invited.
Haven't seen them for 26 years.
For years I blamed her. But who would stand by and allow their dc to be abused?. Weak men... Sorry you also have a pathetic df op...

Sounds as though he may be a victim of domestic abuse himself.

But because he's a man he's considered " weak". Would be a bit different if he was a woman

No, please dont imply something when you didn't write my post.
The OP has not wrote that he is a victim of domestic abuse, that is your interpretation, like my post is mine.
He's not going to her graduation because of ill health, but can go on holiday. He doesn't ring her because he had no credit on his phone and doesn't use it. Yes, she does not sound like a good person and yes, I think he is weak for not standing up to her and protecting his child and grandson.

The OP has not wrote that he is a victim of domestic abuse, that is your interpretation, like my post is mine.

I guess you didn't see the OPs post quoted then @Diarygirlqueen