To think most people “help others” for the ego boost, not actual compassion?

[QuietMotiveFinch]

We love a good deed when there’s a photo or story attached. Charity has become a kind of performance. I’m not saying people never care but the self-promotion often feels louder than the empathy. AIBU to think that real compassion is quiet, not branded?

This sounds more like a reflection of your feed on social media than anything. I don't really have friends who go round constantly boasting about their good deeds. Maybe you just need new friends?

Well I've voted that you're being unreasonable, but even if you're correct the recipient will benefit.

As a disabled person I've had people admit they helped me for an ego boost basically. I think that's why a few people have got really pushy when I declined their help

I’ve explained my point clearly. If it still sounds like “word soup” to you, that’s fine. Not every perspective has to land with everyone

Wow, how rude!

It’s not about my friends’ posts. I meant more the wider culture where visibility and “storytelling” have become such a big part of how good deeds are shared - charities, influencers, brands, even workplaces. It’s just interesting how the performance aspect has crept into so many spaces now.

One person got her sister to moan at me. That was after throwing a strop when I said no thanks. It was just ridiculous

No. I know I help people for the precise opposite reason. It’s a duty, a pleasure, a way of giving to others in need and of feeling gratitude for being in a position to help. It doesn’t give me an ego boost, but it does give me joy.

I don’t tell people, but I’ll tell you one incident, because this is anonymous. I have a friend I have known for coming up to 49 years, from when I was living in a developing country. 15 years ago I sponsored her to come here and do a masters degree. She had told me she wanted to come and I was worried that she had underestimated the cost and it could ruin her. Consequently, I took it upon myself to make it possible for her to study here and succeed. I helped her in lots of ways - practical, financial and academic. She is now one of the most successful people in her field in her country. She has won international prizes. Without studying here, the doors to that success would not have been open to her. But it was her hard work and success that got her there. Not mine. I’m so proud of her. She is like family. It has been a privilege to play a small part in her journey.

Sorry that should read 30 years not 49

Where are you seeing this, though? I mean, there has always been an element of this, but I don't see that it has particularly increased.

If you aren't talking about what you see on your social media, can you give us a few examples of the type of behaviour that you mean?

Unbelievable! And the very opposite of helpful!

I’m not just thinking about social media, though it’s the most obvious example. You see the same trend in things like companies publicly documenting every charitable act for branding, influencers building personal “give-back” moments into their content or even reality shows where generosity becomes part of the storyline. The act itself might still help people but the performance element feels much more built-in now than it used to be.

I've been involved with various charities over the years, and I've had a lot of insights into what goes on behind the scenes. I'm actually in awe of the incredible good that some people do with no announcement or fanfare. Much of it will never be known, even by those who have directly benefited. There are a lot of people who do truly care. Perhaps more than you might think.

My elderly dad's neighbours are also amazingly kind. In so many small, unshowy ways. I'm often reminded of that Wordsworth quote about little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and of love.

I get what you're saying about companies using stuff for PR purposes, but as long as it actually helps people, I'd rather that they do it for the PR than not at all. As for influencers, I don't know... do they exist outside of social media? They're not really a thing in my life at all, so I'm blissfully ignorant of them.

I agree, those quiet, everyday acts of care are what actually keeps communities going. I think what fascinates me is how both realities coexist: the quiet kindness that never gets mentioned and the highly visible, branded kind that’s everywhere now.

You’re right though - if the outcome helps someone, the motivation probably matters less. I just think it’s interesting how the “story” of kindness has changed shape over time.

Does it matter? If someone is doing something to help someone else then does it really matter if they want to celebrate it? Might encourage others to do it too. I don’t post on socials or really look at them so I don’t have any skin in the game, but surely the end result is the same?

We had a child because we wanted one. not because we wanted to populate the world, or prop up peoples’ pensions or late life care. We had a child for purely selfish reasons and we love them to pieces.

I don't think it's possible to do good without getting some kind of ego boost. If we help someone, we automatically feel good about it. That doesn't detract at all from the help that's been given.

I'm not sure that it has changed, though? I think we've always had a mixture of the performative, ostentatious shows of "doing good" alongside the much quieter people quietly getting on with things behind the scenes.

Apart from social media giving people a different platform for their performative gestures, I don't really see that it's any different now to how it always was. I don't think human nature has fundamentally changed?

It is possible for it to be both - even without including the selfie-taking virtue signallers.

I do the quiet, everyday charity work. I don't receive any publicity for it and wouldn't want it either. Christ, that would actually be my worst nightmare!

I do like to help because I know it's needed, because I can, because someone has to and 'there but for the grace of God' etc... but I'm not going to lie, it's in a way the "there's no such thing as a truly altruistic act" idea. I definitely get a buzz out of it. It's extremely good for my own self-esteem to help others. I don't get anything out of it in financial terms or public recognition and I don't need to because I'm thoroughly happy with the warm little glow I get and the much nicer view I have of myself from doing it. I don't praise myself in any other ways, in fact I'm very hard on myself, but my charity work is something there's no way to downgrade or criticise. And that's all about me feeling good about myself, not about making other people's lives better, and the only people that helps are my family when I come home in a good mood! It's not why I started doing it but it's certainly one of the reasons I definitely don't want to stop.

Provides the end result is the same, it doesn’t matter what the motive is.

If someone donates £1,000 to charity because they want to be photographed handing over a giant cheque in the local paper, that doesn’t mean their money is less useful to the charity than £1,000 that was donated anonymously by someone who doesn’t want any fuss about it.

It always makes me laugh when people get arsey with celebrities who do charity work ‘just to improve their image’. Sure, they might indeed be doing it for that reason, but so what? The charity still benefits regardless of the motive.

Meh, there are worse things people could do for attention.

YABU.

Yeah, I do agree with this.

Acts of kindness generally benefit both the giver and the recipient.

I think the OP is talking about the performative stuff, though, where people announce their good deeds to the world.

Why does it matter to you OP? Yes there is much truth in the saying from from the Sermon on the Mount that "Your left hand shouldn't know what your right hand is doing" (paraphrase) in terms of doing good, but why does this annoy you so much?

There is no “cultural trend”. People haven’t changed, society hasn’t changed, some people are altruistic, for others their self worth is tied up with being seen to be helping others and some hold a genuine belief they are raising awareness and encouraging others to do the same.

The fact is the premise of your post has a really basic flaw. Of course it seems like far more people do things to be seen, because you don’t see the millions of people who do big and small things every day and don’t make it public.

I help people because I’m able to help people, and they need help. I’ve had opportunities and privileges that plenty of others don’t. Morally, ethically, culturally, it’s my responsibility to help others. It would be a whole lot easier on my life if I didn’t do it so it certainly isn’t because of any personal benefit.

Yep.
Actual conversation between two multi millionaires:
I mean you being rich couldn't have happened to someone nicer. You just haven't let it change you are sooo lovely.
Oh that's such a lovely thing to say.
No I really mean it. You even volunteer for charity one day a week. I mean so selfless.
Wtaf? I was speechless. (Not a multi millionaire, unfortunately?)

@QuietMotiveFinch if this were the case, across the board, how would you explain (just picking two examples at random) the train Guard on the Doncaster to London train, or the dance teacher in Southport?

On a less national level, how would you explain my adult child (all of 4'10" ') rushing out in their PJs, barefoot, in the early hours to stop some random man raping a young girl or (years ago) five or six people rushing to my aid when I tripped, arranging a taxi to get me home in London?

I think I'm usually kind and I expect that others are too. Sometimes I'm wrong, but mostly I'm not.