My ex husband moved us all to a new area 11 years ago. Think the end of the universe and then go a bit beyond...a very close rural community which I guess MIGHT be wonderful to be part of if you had aunty's and uncles and brother and sisters and parents all living here.
I might be generalising😅 as im sure there would also be plenty that wished they didnt live near family.
Anyhow...when I say "he moved us here" I am obviously an adult as well but wasnt given the full picture. He SAID he would be a different person here and while we house hunted was kind, calm, very "present " and all the things I wanted for my little family.
Once here and away from everyone i knew and all of my close family, he started meeting up with nurses from work, disappearing, his drinking became worse
We divorced.
I have the kids full time. I've had one holiday since 2008, I work as muxh as I can with several chronic illness ...the rest of the time I do kids, housework and sleep.
He now has met a rich girfleifedn, had bought a house (well..she has bought another house) he does little with the kids other than bits n bobs that he wants to do..usually things to make himself look like super dad..like big birthday presents and cooking massive steaks that i cant afford....he does nothing day to day, my son needs a lot of hosp appts..i do all that on my own.
He writes the rotas, goes off on holiday when he wants and acts like a teenager in general.
He is actually a recovering alcoholic. He had severe panritutus, emergency gall bladder removal, then cirrhosis of his liver....I helped him get off the booze but now he is back on it...a functional alcoholic who takes time off work saying to work he has "covid" or chest infections that he is treating himself. I can see in his face that he is drinking again...and he has the shakes ..but wont get help and convinces everyone around him including NHS staff that he works with... that he is just stressed and needs time off work with various illness.
He puts stress on his body with the amount he drinks. When we were together he would work out his sickness time and coordinate his next bouts of sickness to minimise any policy kicking in and maximise pay. He did it for years, would take time of and drink for weeks.
My daughter said she saw 12 bottles get drunk over 4 nights...with his girlfriend. If the pattern is as before then there would be spirits too. Social services dont care, I have no one to tell. School dont care tbh as its outsode of their time..and my kdis dont appear worried by it.
When I have time off, I am so so drained that I sleep and catch up with housework. I did join the gym and start swimming...kept it up for 4 months but I genuinely don't seem to have time to do anything other than basics. .so I cancelled the gym even though I really felt it lifted my mood.
I find the area reallt difficult where we live. Everyone knows everyone from school, rarely anyone moves away..they all have fsmily business, big farms with family all on site in beautiful barn conversions, lots of family to help, they all attend various farm shows, village fetes, tend to drive large pickups or range rovers (honestly)
It does sound idyllic doesnt it..and im sure it is if you fit in!!
When we moved here I volunteered and several places and got on fine...I didnt tread on anyone's toes, make a fuss, suggest any changes (because THATS how its always been done here) and i was quietly eager to fit in...without hopefully acting desperate! I found the work excruciating though as even serving teas and coffees at an event there was always Maude that had dpne it a certain way for 23 years and you had to make sure rhe biscuits were in a certain pattern on the plate etc and records were kept on paper spreadsheets in dusty boxes...really quite sweet but even transferring to excel so that we coudl email them to eachother was seen as pushy. I absolutely and calmly let it go as it wasnt my place to suggest change and nothing changes, so and so always does the Christmas lights and so it continues.
It leaves no room for anything or anyone new.
When I moved in, I met a few people and asked them over for food. I cooked and it seemed pleasant. I had Invited mostly women , two married women whose husbands said they coudlnt come...two single women and one single man ( I had actually thought of the women might quite make a sweet match with the single man)
There was no salacious talk,no religion, no politics..it was basically an hour and a half of hearing about what groups run and where,whixh book the book club had looked at etx...nothing controversial.
Weeks later it had been bandied about that I had been making eyes at this man and it was all gossiped about..like I was some sort of harlot.
I had no interest in this man and even if I did have...just because im not local does it mean I cant pal up with a local man??
It was so embarrassing....it wasnt jokingly put..it was sort of whispered about and then passed to me as thought I was making my way round the local men....
I gently ignored it, I tried a few groups but they all seem to be run by gossips or certain heads of little groups. I never fell out with anyone...but..
The conversation is more than often around village politics, family argument, various committees that cross over etc etc. (I have volunteered at the scholl, was treasurer, a few other bits n bobs and I have tried to quietly be useful in the community but...
I feel so isolated, i only seem to see or feel the situations where everyone is quite closed off and a bit cliquey and tbh quite bitxhy? There are lots of differnet factions, politics between familiy farms, businesss, marriages into and out of various sub areas of the villages..and although keep out of it all...you do get judged for not beibg part of an actual "group".
Lots of the same people attend the groups for instance, so if soemone has taken a disliking to you, they sort of take it to the next group... I see it happening quite a bit and its like being at school with the school bullies...adults acting like 13 year old!!
Its almsot like by not affiliating with one "gang" you dont have the protection of your people...its a really odd, isolating feeling...and I dont feel I have any place, roots or feeling of belonging.
Ive lived in a few differnt places, across the UK and wales and although village life CAN be idyllic, im finding this particular place makes me feel tearful, isolated and pressed into a box that I dont fit into.
I know running away isn't an option for me. I cant move my kids out of school, I dont get any time off to consider going away for a weekend (I thought i might try and join a social group where we travel a bit for instance) im not massively group orientation as quite shy and Id be happier gping for a walk or a coffee for an hour with someone maybe but how do you find that without sounding sad and desperate?
Ive never lived anywhere so dominated by a closed of group of locals and being here is making me feel so sad and lonely.
Any tips on anything I can do to top up my self esteem and keep me togther until my kids fly the nest?
Then im outta here!!!
I know i sound an anti social bore but ive really tried and I just dont fit in :(
No doubt I now have a rather closed off atmosphere about me anyway so im probably not actively showing interest. How do I shake myself out of this without becoming totlaly cut off from everyone.