To think MIL is just really nasty

[ellie09]

DPs family live around a 3 hour round journey from us. His mum lives with his older sister and younger brother (who is severe ASD) and his other younger sister lives elsewhere in the UK. His dad is estranged from the family and DP doesnt have a relationship with his dad.

MIL has always been nice to my face, and I haven't had any clashes with her personally, but the way she is picking fights with DP and saying nasty things and subtly alluding to me is starting to become really grating.

DP tries to go down and see his family at least once every 4-6 weeks or so, but this is dependent on the schedule of MIL as she works as a nurse. DP and I both also work full time Monday to Friday and I have 8 year old DS with ASD (he is not DPs biological son). I tend to go down with DP to see his family on every other visit so he has a chance to see his family on his own too. MIL rarely communicates with us on when she is free.

Its been a rough few months, as we had cars breaking down, house repairs and I have been travelling for work to see clients etc. DP has also been quite stressed at work and busy with handovers as he's starting a new job soon. So, he hasn't been down as often as he likes but still phones/texts family regularly.

Last night he got a phone call from MIL who was only really calling to start a fight. He had this on loudspeaker so that I was able to hear. She made some points that for me, were out of line.

• That DP is "forgetting" about his family because he now has me and my DS and that we shouldn't be the priority and family should all be equal

• That DP rarely makes the effort to see family despite said MIL not communicating when she is free, or making the effort to come up to us

• Us wanting to spend Christmas Day as our own unit rather than go to either parents is apparently "selfish", but we done this so we weren't going to either side of the family for Christmas, to make it fair

• Apparently the fact I was in MILs area for a bridal make up trial (the wedding venue was booked intentionally from DPs home town to accommodate his family and ASD brother) and didnt co ordinate this with a day that MIL was off so she could see us, was "selfish". We have tried telling her because the wedding is in her area that we will be up and down for organising, vendors etc but we dont necessarily have the whole day free to see family etc

• That DP in general, makes no effort to do nice things with family. Yet, we had invited and were going to book and pay for his family to go to a Christmas event with all my family (meal and fireworks display) but apparently its too much effort for them to drive 5 mins to the hotel and it'll be too much for DPs brother (who can attend day long weddings with sit down meals absolutely fine, and loves fireworks, which is partly why we chose the event in the first place!) - so they all declined the invitation

• DP apparently makes no effort with his younger sister when she visits home, despite sister not communicating to DP when she is home, and only recently DP had bought sister concert tickets so she could attend a concert with us - which was only a few weeks ago

• MIL is annoyed about the fact we dont ever stay down for the night in her house - but we have 2 cats and a dog at home that need feeding, walked, looked after, so if she lets us know last minute she's free, it can be hard to make arrangements for dog to go to boarding for the night as its booked out, or to get anyone to look after them on our behalf. DP has expressed to me he doesnt like going down on his own staying, as MIL just starts fights and arguments, so he doesn't want to stay

• Apparently DP has "washed his hands" of his younger brother as he doesnt take him out etc, despite MIL telling him years ago to just go and "live his life" and that it wasnt his burden to carry

DP had wanted to spend the morning of our wedding getting ready at his mums house. But I have told him its probably not the best idea, as with their track record, he doesnt want a fight or an argument that morning.

DP says he's very close to just cutting contact with MIL and not inviting her to the wedding.

AIBU to think MIL may just be a nasty woman who is seemingly "jealous" in a way that DP now has a new life ahead of him?

As a Mum of an ASD child too I think you’re being unreasonable to assume the DP can cope with the busy Christmas event. The time of year and sensory issues at a Christmas event are different with fewer opportunities for sensory breaks. You should know that autistic people can cope with one thing but not some thing similiar depending on their individuals needs.

For the rest you are not being unreasonable. I think MIL was wanting to set up DP as his brother’s life long carer and now she can see that isn’t going to happen.

MIL seems to have let DPs older sister take on the carer role. She doesnt work and is his full time carer. After she graduated uni, MIL went back to work and sister stayed home.

I cant comment on if this was always the intended arrangement, as I havent asked (and its none of my business either)

I think DP should be asking his sister if this is what she wants with her life.

In terms of DH relationship with his MIL. I think all you can do is be silently thankful he sees reason and support him with whatever he wants and be careful not to make suggestions either way.

He seems to take a very different stance to the exes I have had that ponder to their mums and make excuses for them.

DP seems to be the opposite and will tell her firmly that me and his soon to be step son are his priority and to stop bringing me up in arguments. It does feel nice that for once, I seem to have a DP that stands up to his mother! I was married before, and ex H pandering relationship with his toxic mum was a large reason why the marriage didnt work.

I have said to DP that I will stand by whatever decision he makes, but that his MIL may grow to hate me for it. He responded that if she ever made a comment saying she didnt like me, that he would cut ties with her altogether.

Why would you not go to their house on Xmas day and your family boxing day?

My DH started similar to this and pushed back to his mum, putting me and my two children first. However, this has got more challenging as the years have gone by. Add into it the East Asian cultural expectations, MIL’s jealousy and DH seemingly slipping into a different way of managing things. There has always been a very distinct sense from MIL that she disapproves of me (anything she deems wrong is my fault and I’m manipulative), we should come second to his mum and sister and distaste that he views the children as his own

I felt so comfortable at first, feeling like a had a MIL problem but not a DH problem. However, I’ve definitely had periods since where I’ve had a DH problem. He’s now trying to rectify that but I can see it causes him such stress and I want to take that away for him. I feel ‘difficult’ for standing up for myself. We all find it so hard

Dp refused to join ils for an annual sporting event that would mean a week away from me and our premature dc... Mil never forgave him. It saw her uninvited from our wedding and she effectively removed herself from our lives nearly 11 years ago.
Leave the whole shit show to your dp.
In your shoes I wouldn't even enter into any discussions about her...

Er because OP clearly states they want to stay at home as a family unit for christmas. Lots of people choose this, it's not strange. And with a family like Op's MIL I would also want to stay home.

Mainly because of custody arrangements with DS's dad. We take turn about at Christmas, so one year I have him Christmas Eve and for Christmas dinner, then he goes to dad about 5pm Christmas Day, and vice versa if its dads turn. If we were to do a 3 hour round trip to his mums, we wouldnt have much time there and it would be a very chaotic Christmas Day!

I did suggest that we can do Christmas Day separately, if he wants to go on his own, but he said he doesn't want to (so I respect his wishes)

So, just to save any arguments, I said I wouldnt go to either set of parents for Christmas dinner and we will just do our own.

I will see my family on Christmas Day because they only live 5 mins away by car.

That sounds very difficult - I feel for you!

Yep, I try to stay uninvolved, e.g. if they are on the phone, I just move to another room etc. But, this time, he seemed to want me to hear what she was saying, because he wanted me to hear exactly how she speaks to him - and to be honest, it was pretty nasty and left me shocked. It sounded like the ramblings of someone who had a few drinks and got dutch courage to ring someone to be deliberately interrogating.

No, in her original post she said they wanted to do a family unit to make it fair on the two families. I was just asking why they couldn't do it on each special day.
The OP answered my question. No need for a snarky reply, read the post first.

You're right on both counts. I missed the bit where she said it was to be fair, although with the long list of complaints about her MIL I am baffled as to why she'd want to go there.
I was snarky, no excuse, I apologise sincerely. ❤️ I'm not usually, sorry.

I think his mum is hurt that he's not seeing as much of them has your DH asked his mum when shes off or just waiting for him to give him her weekly shifts expectantly?

She's allowed to be cross with her child even though he's an adult. You are only getting one side of this story

Because they don’t. Want. To!!! Why should they?!?! They have their own little family and want to spend it together!! His mother is a grown adult and can sort herself out and when she’s as nasty as this to her son!! 😳😳😳

I’d want nothing to do with them after them showing me their true colours!!! If you marry this man make it clear to him you’re only marrying him and not his family!!

DP does ask but is always told if he asks that they are not sure when the next free day etc will be

She is the type to call him on a Friday and tell him she's free the next day, when we already have plans made with others or somewhere else

Well, phone calls like that don’t make visits any more appealing do they??

Don’t live your life for MIL. You are forging a new family unit.

Try to leave this to DP. It’s attention seeking bullshit and it won’t stop. Decide on what is right for you and your DS and DH and stick with it.

This is partially why the visits can be infrequent - because there's always some type of argument and then DP doesnt want to go down in the middle of it