DSS mum blackmailing him to live with her.

[Alwaysthereforthechaos]

DSS is 18, he has lived on and off with us since he was a baby. DH and I have tried for custody but the courts favoured her and it’s been 50/50, however there has been long periods when he’s been with us. Last week he texted his dad saying he can’t cope and wants to move in. He is at uni. We pay his mum to support him and now he is with us and 18, we cant continue this. She is now laying on the emotional blackmail saying she’ll lose her house, she’ll be homeless if he doesn’t come back. He doesn’t want to live with her anymore because she is either drunk and angry or stoned and sad. We cannot face him going back to an unstable environment, nor do we want to give her anymore money.

What is her plan when he finishes uni and moves out? If she can’t afford the house without financial support then she needs to look at downsizing. Or bringing in extra income - second job etc. His dad needs to let him know he should live where he wants and not give into this pressure. Will she genuinely lose the house? Can you afford to pay until she can rent out his room / get a 2nd job? Guess it came with little warning.

Take him in. Give her notice that the payments are going to end, maybe 3 months? Presumably she will have been planning for the end of the payments and given that son will be living with you her outgoings will be less.

Basically, prioritise him but treat the mum decently for the sake of his conscience and to not allow the blackmail.

If he’s 18 then money goes directly to step son, not his mum, even if he lives with her. Does she work full time? She’ll need to so she can afford the house. Don’t give her anymore money as she isn’t your child.

Let him move back in but also he needs some support and tools in dealing with the emotional blackmail and sense of guilt he will feel. It is tricky because he may feel that you and your DH are simply against his mum due to the past. See if you can find a third party to help him talk through his feelings and reassure him that he is not responsible for his mums choices and it is ok to take space from her (eg block her) if it is all too much.

You and DH can show support by helping him with his mental health generally, paying for him to see a counsellor, providing healthy meals, getting him out in the fresh air and exercising etc.

Poor lad.

Is the money the problem or the welfare of the DSS. Sounds like she's basically saying she cant afford to do without the maintenance.
If you can afford it then I'd just continue to pay her just for the moment. It's nearly Christmas, if she's reliant on this money it seems very harsh to suddenly stop and that will be v stressful for DSS too. He also may want to move back, you are not sure it's permanent. If you cannot afford it then that's a different problem and I think you need to have DH possibly sit down with her (without DSS) and explain that this can't continue and maybe point her at some resources to help. Does he know of any friends or family she can lean on as clearly she needs some support

This arrangemebt is going to naturally come to an end.

most uni students are in halls for their first year. Then they get shared house which is fir the whole year and many stay at the uni town and get jobs up there.

i’d say to him that he’s very welcome to come to you for Christmas and Easter. Is he actually coming back to his “home” town more than that anyway?

how is his uni being funded? It would be more normal at 18 and at uni for the money to go to him directly.

maybe wait until after this crisis and then move towards that.

The payments to her need to stop now. I don’t understand why posters are saying she should continue to receive money to help her. If she’s drinking and smoking dope that’s her prerogative.

Support DSS and make sure he understands he is not responsible for his mother.

I would offer to help look at her current financial situation and offer help/advice or signposting to organisations which could help her. His mother needs to talk responsibility for her own live now. I feel so sorry for DSS being made to feel guilty. He’s 18 now and needs to focus on his studies and his future.

Does she work? Surely she didn’t expect to be supported indefinitely.

What an asshole she must be, to burden her son in this manner.

DSS is the only focus and priority here.

It’s easy to understand how someone embarking on Uni can’t cope with living with an angry, drunk, druggy parent.

Legally the maintenance payments to ex finish in the September he left school. She’s had a long time to prepare for this and payments to her should end now.

If DSS lived with her it would be fine to give him some money on the understanding it’s to cover his living costs when he’s staying with his mum. Cross that bridge if it comes.

For now, stop the payments and protect DSS through the blackmail. Perhaps consider private therapy for him. His mother’s poor behaviour may have been going on much longer than you know?

I could just imagine the replies if it were the other way round, and it was a man requesting that his ex wife continue to pay child maintenance to fund his drug and alcohol addiction, when the child has moved back in with his mum

Does she even have a first job?

Certainly wouldn’t be, don’t stop the money if you can, it’s harsh if she’s reliant and it’s nearly Christmas.

OP, let him move in, stop the payments. DSS is your only focus. She should have had plans in the pipeline.

what does dh want to do?

She had 18 years to prepare; it’s not “harsh” to decline to support an autonomous adult. Christmas is irrelevant. Let her get a job.

Is he actually at uni yet?
If not he can go to one and get a 51 week contract then he won’t have to deal with her.
no need for him to move into an abusive household.

Thanks all - she has had fair warning maintenance stops and DSS is at uni. This is the transition period until the end of the year.