Attachment issues

[Zoono]

I recently had an autism assessment and the feedback was that I wasn't autistic but the traits of autism that I experience were caused by childhood trauma and attachment issues. For context my DM suffers from bipolar , which she was diagnosed with in the months after I was born. My DM has admitted that I would cry whenever she held me, as a baby but was content to be held and fed by anyone else. She also made it clear that she regularly put her needs before mine. She was also emotionally pretty unavailable throughout the rest of my life. I don't feel close to her and she judges me for doing everything I can to have a secure attachment with my own DD. As a result, my feedback report from my assessment states that I've never been able to self regulate my emotions and making and sustaining friendships and relationships is unusually hard for me. I do have empathy for my dm, as she was unwell and I was also very unwell with my mh after having my DD. The difference is my life centres around my DD and not myself. I feel so hurt my parents, perhaps not intentionally have very much screwed me completely up. I've had therapy for over a decade, so I really have tried to get support for my issues. I do want to be a kind daughter but I currently feel disgusted with myself and completely betrayed by my parents. Aibu to truly resent my parents for who I now am? A complete screw up who couldn't keep my relationship with dds dad intact and can't permanently stay mentally well. A psychologist who saw me regularly after my dd was born told me she believed I was emotionally neglected in early childhood, which an auntie that I am close to also believes is the case. It's been horrible to have this clarified again though, by another psychologist.

Both you and your mum are mentally ill.

I understand the feeling of resentment but no-one is to blame here.

I think it’s understandably normal to resent your parents a bit when you know you have past trauma from your childhood. Obviously there are some situations that are unforgivable and I don’t know the whole story but I would give your mum a bit of grace considering she was diagnosed with bipolar after having you. It is really tough to be a new mum and have mental health issues.
I’m sorry that she was also unavailable for you the whole of your life. I know a couple of people with bipolar who are very my needs to come first and are the victim in most situations. Most of that unfortunately unavoidable. Have you read much into bipolar? Do you think maybe that might help understand what your mum goes through/ went through. Not everything is to blame on mental health though of course. Did she ever go out of her way to get therapy or help?

You always carry that trauma with you, but you can help manage it it which it sounds like you are doing at the moment. You are ending the cycle and sound like a great mum

I do recognise that and I do try and keep calm and kind. I then ended up hating myself instead of anyone else, which isn't good either.

You don’t have to worry so much about trying to be the best daughter you can be for her. Just be you. Maybe she is jealous of how great you are with your daughter. Focus on yourself and being the best mum you can be xx

You don’t have to worry so much about trying to be the best daughter you can be for her. Just be you. Maybe she is jealous of how great you are with your daughter. Focus on yourself and being the best mum you can be xx

I think it's OK to be resentful for a time. At some point forgiveness will serve you better, but it takes time.

You do and can regulate your emotions so ignore that part of the report as it's ridiculous.

Look up "earned secure", it's possible to move on with all this and heal your trauma. Also important I think to focus on post traumatic growth and try to find some positives in the situation.

You're breaking the cycle.... And regardless of how you feel that's what matters at the end of the day. Keep going!

If you have had therapy for a decade and still feel so distressed perhaps it isn’t the right therapy for you? It sounds as if there’s a lot of focus on the negatives and less emphasis on strategies for doing well and building resilience.

I genuinely don’t say that to be unkind but perhaps accepting what has happened, losing the blame element of all of this and focusing on your future would be more productive?

You aren’t obliged to be a good daughter.

You are obliged to be a good mum!

What that means is that your parents made choices- they chose to have dc. As a dc you are t held hostage to them forever. It’s sad they were t able to meet your needs. That doesn’t mean you have to meet theirs.

Your child is dependent on you. She needs you. You meet her needs first. You keep yourself as healthy as you can be, and if you have anything left over you can choose to meet your parents needs.

That’s all. You can choose.

Nasty comment with zero empathy.

I didn't make it clear but I've tried different forms of therapy in that time including a compassion ed focused one to benefit myself and to help me to empathise with my parents. I've made a lot of excuses for both of them before but I'm struggling to do that now I'm a mum myself. Im a single parent to a two year old and suffered from severe post natal anxiety after suffering from mental health problems on and off for about half of my life, so I can understand my parents struggles but regardless of whether anyone's to blame for my issues, I can't see a way forward in my life. The only reason I choose to carry on, is to avoid leaving my DD without a mum who loves her.

I’m so sorry you are struggling so much. Hopefully you are getting good support from the professionals?

In case it might help I have a good frind who suffered from severe post natal illness including a bipolar diagnosis, a longish hospital admission and a serious attempt on her own life. She recovered. She has a full and productive life and has happy adult children. There really is hope.

I don't have any advice, just wanted to say you're not alone. I was also brought up in a cold, weird, lonely way so I've ended up 'autistic-like' with poor social skills. It has fucked me up in many ways - never going to have a relationship, kids, even having friends is difficult.

I definitely resent my parents for it. How different (better) my life could've been if people intervened... the only thing to do is carry on, do the best we can, focus on the things we're good at / what we care about. It's nice that you have a DD to love and focus on. I've managed to find things to dedicate my life to, as well. Onwards and upwards!

Distance yourself from your parents, you don't owe them anything. Regain some emotional energy, which you need to be a good mum.

I think it's common to look back at our own childhood after we have a baby. I made a lot of excuses for my parents but now I have my own child, some of their parenting choices are horrific. So, so neglectful, I can't understand what was going through their minds.

My mum sometimes cries and tells me she feels guilty about my childhood. She's looking for me to say it's ok and forgive her. I never do. I just say it is what it is and I disengage from the conversation. It's not my job to make her feel better.

WTF?

Don't be so utterly ridiculous.

What on earth was nasty about my post? And why do you think it lacks empathy?

Oh god - be kind, empathise with your mother, blah blah blah.

It sounds like OP is aware that her mother is mentally ill. She still has every right to name and feel emotions about the impacts and significant childhood trauma she has experienced as a result.

I have a working dx of developmental trauma and it’s shown up in lots of very damaging ways through my whole life. Parts therapy/IFS, ‘mother wounds’ therapy and compassionate inquiry therapy have been the three most helpful interventions I’ve had. The latter was delivered by someone who is also a yoga therapist and it’s been the most useful for learning about my triggers and how to deal with them. The former helped me with seeing that it wasn’t my fault, and the first also gave me some context to forgive my parents. I still feel a bit ambivalent though about that. My dad permitted and even exacerbated some of the issues. My parents are both seen as lovely, kind people in their community and they are; we get on well now. But my life has been very, very hard and it’s challenging not to resent their status now (wise and benevolent, loving parents and grandparents). It’s confusing. YANBU