3 year old driving me insane

[lucylox]

My three year old dd is going through a really difficult phase at the moment. Horrific tantrums, constant demands and whinging. I work part time and am beginning to dread my days off with her. I can’t get anything done because she just doesn’t stop asking for food or toys or something else. I take her out on play dates and days out and she embarrasses me with her behaviour. Massive meltdowns, crying and screaming.

Im ashamed to say I’ve just lost my shit with her in the car driving home from a play date with her friend. I felt so overwhelmed with her behaviour while we were out with this mum I don’t even know that well. And the constant screaming and noise in the car, I just lost it and really shouted at her. I feel awful but I just can’t cope with the demands and the tantrums over nothing. I do very little for myself, I’m running on empty and I just want her to calm down a bit.

3 is a tricky age - I found 3-4 by far the hardest time. Hang in there because it gets better.

Something I found really helpful for constant snack requests was to give my son much more control over this. I set up a box for him that was his day's allocation of snacks, and then I told him he was in charge of when he had them, and that he could get them himself any time. It was all stuff I'm happy for him to have but I placed no restrictions on it except to tell him that once they're gone they're gone, until the next scheduled refill.

Naturally for the first few days he blew through them instantly, didn't eat his lunch and was whining for more by early afternoon. But within a week he adjusted and now he helps himself when he actually wants them, but also paces himself so he doesn't run out too soon. He actually snacks less now and it has completely removed from my life the stressy battle of always being the one to decide yes or no about snacks, and I don't have to be the snack butler.

Any other areas of her life in which you can cede control while still being safe, I would go for it - whether that's letting her choose her clothes, making her toys more accessible so she has free rein, etc. Three year olds think they are so desperate for control, that if you can give it to them in small ways it can take a lot of the heat out of your day.

Hang in there - she'll come through this very difficult age one day, and a nice mellow four year old will be waiting on the other side!

She needs a routine.
She needs to know what is going to hapoen on the days you are at home and on the other days.
Yes, it is perfectly fine to give her small chores to do.
And talk her through everything the evening before and at the end of the day before she goes to sleep.

My dc jyst turned 4. I hear you. 🩷
I'v been listening to parenting podcasts and I joined a parenting group for support.
https://parents.actionforchildren.org.uk/feelings-behaviour/understanding-emotions-behaviour/

https://www.familylives.org.uk

Thank you all. The snack box thing is a good idea as we have admittedly (my fault) falling into bad habits with mealtimes and snacks. But it’s just the incessant noise and the crying/tantrums even when we are doing things she enjoys like seeing friends or going to parties or whatever.

I always thought 2 was meant to be the hardest time but this is definitely worse. I feel awful saying I don’t enjoy our time together but at the moment it’s turning me into a harassed, snappy mum that I don’t like.

Yeah, three was way worse than two for us! I was so smug as the mother of a two year old, until he turned three and violently humbled me
😂

In my opinion age 2 lulls you into a false of security when you think you 'survived the terrible 2s' and it wasn't that bad and you came out relatively unscathed. Then 3 hits like a steam train 😂. Everyone I've spoken to has found 3 to be so much harder. My DD is 4 now and I feel like we're slowly coming out the other side. They have big feelings and emotions at this age and it's tough. I found just staying firm and consistent helped. If she was whining or demanding I'd just simply ask her to try asking again or say 'how can we ask for that nicely' and it does seem to have started sinking in. Other than that lots of solidarity and hold on in there because I've definitely found the transition to 4 easier so far.

Hang in there it does get better, once they can understand and communicate better it gets easier.

Just wanted to come along and state my solidarity with you OP!

My 3 year old has driven me to tears many times this week alone! 2 is a much nicer age in my opinion!

Some kids are just more difficult. I have 4 and my youngest was by far the hardest work. Massive tantrums, fighting with other kids - often quite mean! She is 7 now and over the last few months she has suddenly calmed down and become more chilled and kind. She doesn’t fight with other children now, just occasionally. i think she is finally maturing, thank god.

It is stressful while you are going through it - it wears you down.

You need to talk to her about this, and tell her unless she uses a ‘normal’ voice with no screaming etc, you are going to ignore her. You’ll only listen if she speaks to you properly, like a big girl.
Explain that babies cry and scream because they haven’t learned to use words yet, but SHE has, and needs to use hers properly and stop behaving like a baby.

My 3yo is very similar. Just so strong willed, but the thing I cannot stand and just makes me so angry is the inability to do one single thing for one second on her own. She has ZERO imagination and unable to play with her toys. Just been wit family where there were two other kids the same age as her and they were so busy playing with toys or just busy with something. Whether it’s home or anywhere she is so utterly clingy and it depresses me. My older child was the exact same. Feels like I’m doing something wrong.

Why should you be ashamed about losing your temper? We're all real people living in a real world. Who's ideals are you trying to live up to?
There's nothing wrong with losing your temper every now and then : it teaches your kids about limits and what happens when you push people past them. Your kids might be young but they need to learn that other people, even mum, have limits to the shit they'll take and it's really important in life to respect those limits. Or bad thing happen. If it's your mum it might just being shouted at, or smacked. But if it's someone else it might be worse, it might involve violence. Important lessons for any age

When I think about it, I definitely adjusted what we did around this age. We did a lot more solo trips to the park and actually went out less. I had to stop going to certain groups eventually because she's definitely not a sit still and listen kid! In fairness, looking back, it seems to me like the challenges that came before always seemed easier than the current stage! (apart from the newborn one - that was brutal for me!!) But past me would definitely not agree with future me, because when you're in the thick of it, it's terrible! I look back on 2-3 with such fondness!! 4-5 was rough!! Still difficult like 3-4 but with so much more language, new demands and knowledge of how to push buttons! Apparently their brain goes through a sort of rewire around 4 and although previously you could sort of see things coming with her, this was largely irrational and I found it v hard to cope. It seems we are coming out of the other side now thankfully but who knows what's next!!

All I can say is I dealt with some of it by prepping the person that I was meeting for a play date and telling them she was in a tricky stage and asking would they mind if I cut things short if I needed to. That way, you're not stuck being "embarrassed" and trying to last it out, you can just leave and no one is shocked because they knew it was on the cards. I only had to do this a couple of times. I tried to be careful with the language I used around leaving. Quiet and matter of fact. This is easier if you can leave before you've been pushed to the edge! She actually learned to tell me when she didn't feel like she was in control of her choices which actually helped me to calm down and put things into perspective. She used to say (and still does but only very occasionally - I can't even remember the last time) "my brain feels fizzy!"

Also, you need to recharge your batteries. Someone else (I think on here) was posting about their child driving them to distraction recently and one of her posts just said, "That's it, I've had it. I think I'm going to have to take the older one and go away for the night" or something similar. Someone else, rather unkindly I thought, replied that it was an overreaction. I didn't think it was. If you've got the chance to get out of the thick of it (even if just for a short window), take it. It'll feel like it's not even happened when you get back and everything is the same... But at least you've had the chance to give your system a break which can only be good!

One final thing, if you are feeling bad about blowing up, I don't think it's ever a bad thing to say sorry (even on another day when it's all blown over). Explain that you didn't like shouting and how it made you and her feel (maybe even talk about what you plan to do next time and use it to your advantage by also asking her what she thinks you can do - get her to think of some coping strategies which you can mention next time she gets worked up!). In my experience, that made my LO more likely to apologise after her outbursts and everyone gets to feel better. This isn't to say you should feel you have to, just that if you're beating yourself up about it (like I do!), it helps put it to bed.
Best of luck! X

I absolutely relate to this! my 3 year old is exactly the same and it’s draining, we have a 5 month old baby too and our 3 year old cried WAY more than the baby!! it’s ridiculous, i always thought ‘terrible twos’ would be bad but this takes the biscuit. If i say put your trainers on it’s a full meltdown ‘BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT TRAINERS THEY ARE SHOES’ it’s relentless.

I have tried being more firm which i am carrying on with, pre-warnings before we go out, and setting out my expectations before we go anywhere or first thing in the morning. I have started to say as soon as he whinge and whines that i can’t talk to him or respond when he does this because i can’t understand what he is saying as i don’t talk baby language and that i would love to hear what he needs to say but he will need to talk to me properly - works most the time.
every day is a battle at the moment but it IS better than about 4 weeks ago so hang in there, think we just have to ride it out haha!

It sounds like your DC is wanting more of your undivided attention and that can sense you're irritated by it. I found playdates at this age completely pointless and often really draining - I always found it hard trying to make conversation with another parent while my child constantly demanded my attention and I just ended up feeling frazzled. Both of mine at this age were much happier doing 1-1 activities like swimming, library, park, museum, or just staying at home reading or playing the same game over and over again. I tried not to have any plans for doing any housework when I had them home, if they happened to be distracted and engrossed in something I'd crack on with laundry or something but otherwise I'd either leave it till DH was home or involve them in it (e.g.cooking). It is a challenging time but they start to become a lot more self sufficient at 4/5 and will actually play with the other child on playdates!

Just chiming in to agree with everyone that 3 is the hardest age. Two is a breeze by comparison. For a while I was really dreading my days with my 3-year-old as he was so annoying and controlling. Hang in there, it gets better.

I actually think this is a very good point. She is incredibly demanding of attention when out, and I don’t just mean with me. She will be super clingy with friends at parties or play dates and if they want to go off and play with someone else she goes into full meltdown. She always wants to be cuddling or speaking to people, often other kids mums! Which they all pretend is lovely and cute but by the fifth or sixth time it’s just a bit annoying for everyone.

She is a bit better 1-1 but I suspect a lot of that is because I don’t have to worry about her kicking off or being full on around other people. So she can sense I’m calmer. But the whinging still happens, good god the whinging.

It sounds like you are the one that needs help help with self control/ managing emotions that way you’re better able to parent without getting too stressed . I’m not saying this in a bad way. I’m just saying that if we learn to control our emotions and try to put our own boundaries in place then it’s easier to parent because you have that in mind  and by affirming those values to yourself it may help you be less stressed - I don’t like when people say their children embarrass them there is nothing to be embarrassed about children do make noise and  the general public know this so don’t worry about that
 sounds like she is trying to get your attention somehow -by losing it with her it may make her feel insecure and make her playing up even more

My youngest was a whinger and it's got a lot better since he learnt to talk properly. Even as a tiny baby he cried a lot, and now he is just very chatty and wants constant validation, and it was definitely very draining before we could actually have a conversation. He can really tell as well when you're not fully engaged - I found it worked best with him to be authentic and say 'just give me a minute to do x and I'll be right with you' like I would an adult. Even from quite small he got it.

Oh give over - she lost it once. Kid sounds like very very hard work. We’re all human. And actually sometimes it’s ok for children to see that mummies have limits too and unacceptable is unacceptable.

OP - good luck. She will grow out of it but it’s so hard. Agree with others maybe strong routine clear boundaries. We just never did snacks other than a scheduled-in mid afternoon one. The attention seeking sounds like my friend’s daughter. Honestly I couldn’t stand her. But she’s started school now and totally chilled out.

Maybe also sack off the playdates for a while.

Don't stress, we all lose our shit sometimes! It's a hard age. The best advice I got about their emotional ups and downs, is to remember these are THEIR feelings, not yours, you don't need to feel them too. Take a deep breath when she goes off, it's not your job to "stop" her or feel her feelings, tell yourself quietly "I am ok" it'll keep you calm. Then just cuddle her or sit with her and let it pass. You're the calm, she's the storm.
If she finds playdates and meet ups hard, do them less. Is she articulate enough to ask her what she likes doing? And for you to explain what you will be doing. I found at this age they liked some control, so a chat each day saying "today we can either go see the duck as at the park or go to soft play, then we will have lunch at home and quietly play till dinner time, or we can do some painting?" Then it's your choice what she can choose from. Transitions are hard at this age, give her good warning when the activity will change (and not adult time related ones, kid understandable ones - 5 minutes means nothing to a 3 yr old, 2 goes on the slide or after this snack dos).
Don't take any of it personally, and have empathy, she's not doing it to be difficult, she's communicating her discomfort with something. Emotional regulation is hard, there's some good books for younger kids that teach very basic breathing techniques and mindfulness (try asking her to tell you all the yellow things she can see when she's getting cross, or ask her what she can see/hear/smell sometimes they can then focus on the now not the overwhelming feelings).

All behaviour is communication. What is she trying to tell you? Maybe she needs to be in a routine full time? Maybe she wants time just with you and not play dates? With both my kids I had to keep clock watching to ensure we kept their routine at that age. Mealtimes at specific times and snacks in between. And only one activity lasting max 2 hours, otherwise they would get very overwhelmed. Are you doing too much with her? Does she get downtime as well as unstructured play outside? Do you spend quality time just the two of you? If you need to get things done then use the TV or involve her. Can she go to nursery full time to give you some breathing space?

Literally everything you’ve written here is 100% appropriate for a 3 year old. They are still babies!

My dd is 11 now but I remember finding my little threenager a nightmare. Hang in there, it does end!

I cried every day my girl was 3 going through exactly the same! She's 5 now and still has her moments. I still have to entertain her much of the time. She likes drawing and colouring in, exploring things. Playdough was another good one and I would put it out and put it on YouTube so she would "mirror" what they were doing on there which have me a moments peace. Good luck x