Is this arrangement reasonable?

[NeckDeep]

Ex DH and I have separated and we’re trying to work out what’s best to do for our family and I think what we’ve decided is maybe unconventional but seems to be what’s best for our family. We are still friends and there’s no bad blood.

The idea is that I’m going to move out whilst DH and our two children (5 & 3) stay with him. The reason for this is my 5 year old is severely disabled and the size of a seven year old and he’s hard to pick up and is very strong, ex DH is a very good dad and DS absolutely prefers to be with him and we don’t want to split the kids up so the idea was I’d move out but I’m only going to five minutes away, the children will have bedrooms at my house and during the week I will come to the family home and we’ll have tea together, baths etc and then I’ll go home when they’re in bed and they’ll stay at my house every other weekend without DH (but he’s nearby if I need help with DS).

I know children should be with their mother as I’ve been told many times but my son sleeps with his dad and wants him around all the time and DH thinks this will be the best way of doing this?

AIBU? This whole situation just kinda sucks.

I am a great believer in doing whatever works for you.
Just because something might feel or look unusual to someone outside of the situation, doesn't equal it not being a good situation.

The only thing that is going to become difficult, with you having your feet under the table in what will no longer be your home, is when either one of you feel the time is right to start new relationships.

It is great that you get on well enough to co-parent in what appears to be such a civilised manner now, but there is obviously a reason (or reasons) you have decided to separate, and, although it might not be on your mind now, there will come a time when one or the other of you is likely to be ready for a new relationship and that will be very difficult with this set up I'd have thought.

In theory, you can revise it then of course, but that's going to feel like the "fault" of the new man or woman involved.

Do YOU think this is the best way. Ignore anyone else judgements etc but what you think and feel.

the fact your DH thinks this is best doesn’t matter - one suspects the reason the relationship is breaking down is partly due to this anyway.
This is about you working out whst is best for you and your children for you

It sounds like a fabulous way to arrange things. I agree with PP though, the test will be when one of you finds someone else. I truly hope, however, that you are able to make it work for all of you.

You and your DH are doing what is best for DC so that's great. Your DC will still see a lot of you. Also things could change over time so be flexible and open to that of it happens.

Would the nesting method work? Even if it's just a 1 bed rented flat to trial?

No experience to draw on with the split but with a disabled child you do find yourself defying convention.

It might need to evolve over time but that s ok.

I would only question whether maybe your daughter in particular might benefit from a bit of one to one time with a parent. It's important for any child but especially those with severely disabled siblings. She is young now but it will get more important as she gets bigger.

Tried this with my kids dad when we first broke up, it was actually hell.
Yeah the small kids didn't notice for a little longer but I can tell you I don't think this will work long term.

It will ruin your relationship even more so, co parenting to that extreme is just not plausible one of you will be frustrated, (i'll assume him) that he has to cater for you in what inevitably won't be your home anymore. The kids will notice a divide at some point, you won't be able to continue to use the house as your own when it's not and what happens when you or him start dating?

If you want to go your own ways then I'd recommend something similar to that but, the kids come to you on the weekends and maybe for dinner 2/3 times a week and back to dad for bed time routine if they rely on that, but realistically you can't just rock up for 3/4 hours a day, every day.

But I do wish you all luck in whatever you do. You can try it but personally I think it will lead to a bigger break down in co parenting further down the line where being 5 minutes away you'll have such a great start to co parenting separately from the get go.

Siblings of disabled children often benefit from one-to-one time with their parents.

I think it is lovely to hear the kid's needs being the main focus.
Just to leave some questions to ponder:
Financially can you afford cms and luve nearby?
How will those dynamic change when one or both of you start dating?
Would your other child like some one on one time with you? Maybe one night a week wjth you would be good for them.
If this all goes badly. Are you okay just seeing the kids EOW? Maybe one dinner during the week?
Sorry, I believe in hoping for the best, preparing for the worst... but then my coparenting situation is awful and not like your current status.

Thank you everyone!

As they get older I suspect the arrangement will change, it’s just whilst they’re quite young but my younger child can stay anytime they want.. it was more how to manage the older one.

I haven’t even thought about dating but my children come
first and if any potential partners on my side have a problem then I’d rather be single honestly.

its still a bit raw I guess and leaving the family home is hard.