Have I been dumped?!

[ffrindbyrdi]

Still reeling from this although it happened last weekend, but I just need to know.

Backstory: Group of friends who have all been close since 12/13 and now in our 30s.

Perhaps drifted apart a bit more so since Covid but still see each other for birthdays etc.

One of the friends weddings last Saturday and I was invited as a guest. She didn’t mention having bridesmaids or anything and she’s quite unconventional so I didn’t think anything of it.

Turn up to the wedding to find I’m the only friend not a bridesmaid. I even went to the hen do last month and bridal parties were never mentioned once.

That’s odd isn’t it? Have I been friend dumped?

And so as not to drip feed, the only ‘big change’ in our friendship is that I have had a baby so missed maybe a handful of get togethers when my son was a newborn. That must’ve been where they discussed bridesmaids etc? No fallouts, nothing.

I feel well and truly shit tbh

I’d be upset too. You must’ve been in shock all day. What a difficult day it must’ve been for you. I wouldn’t say a word. Their actions have spoken.They sound bloody selfish. Time to let in new friends. Onwards and upwards! Xx

Don’t for a minute think it has anything to do with you not being good enough- it will be more to do with their selfish priorities. Sod them!

OP sounds like you may have both been a bit wrapped up in your own worlds here. If you’re such good friends I don’t understand how you got to the wedding yet knew nothing about the bridal party. Did you never even ask her plans? Sounds like you’ve shown little interest in her wedding and she’s probably shown equally little interest in you since you had the baby.

Genuinely can’t understand getting to a very close friends wedding and not knowing who the bridesmaids were going to be.

I don’t think you’ve been dumped. The friendship has just changed and perhaps you didn’t feel it, but it’s changed for them. That does happen and the one who doesn’t see it feels upset (understandably so), but that’s often the point - they for whatever reason haven’t been able to make an effort with the friendship and after a while, the others carry on as normal.

I also don’t think they deliberately kept quiet at the hen. I think it just wasn’t mentioned. Whenever I’ve been on a hen I already know in advance who the bridesmaids are because it’s come up in conversation with the bride and bridesmaids are never really talked about at the hen.

On one hand, I feel like they thought the friendship changed and you knew that too so there was no need to talk to you about it. But from your perspective, when you think everything is the same pre children, it’s a huge blow and the bride should have mentioned it rather than you finding out that way.

Or just new friends. I know some people love "mum friends" but it's not for everyone - OP doesn't have to feel that being a mom is what defines her now. (I don't mean that horribly to anyone who loves their mum friends - I am just saying, every mum is different).

But did she hide it, or did you just assume?

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to feel dumped, and can imagine seeing them all as bridesmaids on the day would have been like a punch in the stomach!

though I can’t imagine being good enough friends with someone to think I should be a bridesmaid, but not good enough to not ask who their bridesmaids were, on the hen do at least!

were there other people at the hen who weren’t then bridesmaids or just you?

Yes those too. I have friends who don't have dcs. When dcs are babies it's nice to have friends who have them too.

I think you've been demoted rather than dumped. They're closer friends with each other than you. Bit of an ouch if you didn't realise that. You can still be friends but you probably need to re-evaluate this friendship.

There could be many reasons that you weren’t chosen as a bridesmaid but to let you find out like that, when the tradition is that you all bridesmaid for each other, was really shitty. It must have been a real blow and I’m sorry.

Only you can decide whether it’s enough to lose a longstanding friendship with the group over. As by also not telling you, the other ladies have already picked their ‘side’ in this.

If you don’t rely on them as your only friendship circle, pull back and branch out with others. I suspect that there will be more and more babies coming along which will make them all reevaluate their behaviour anyway. You may find they look to you then as the experienced mother in the group. It’s up to you to decide how much you let them in from now on though.

That's shit behaviour from all of them. The other bridesmaids were obviously told not to say anything to you because none of them mentioned it. The least the bride could have done would have been to ask you if you wanted to be a bridesmaid now baby has come along. Even your DH was stunned!
I would have to say something- but that's just me- and I would find it very hard to see the friendships with all of them in thesane light

It’s the walking in blind that really got me I think! My DH just looked at me like WTF is gong on when all my friends started walking down the aisle in matching dresses.

This and not mentioning it over the hen weekend is absolutely cruel, OP. The fact that they as a group kept you in the dark. You're going to feel very hurt. Don't try to minimise it.

At some point though (agree, not this soon after her wedding) I think you need to raise how hurt you were.

How many of them are there? Were they all bridesmaids at your wedding?