To need a hug

[Noonetotalk]

I just hear today that my estranged father, who was estranged from everyone in family died alone in hospital. Police called to inform my uncle who used to help him some times as my father never worked and wasted away his inheritance on alcohol and a family ( woman with 4 kids who are adults now) he had been living with for a long time. That family ( also never worked) sucked every penny out of him and left him to die in the hospital. My father had 2 houses and commercial properties but died poor.

My entire family is estranged from one another. My father hurt each one of us.

I spoke to my aunt his sister, she was crying so much even though he had hurt her in past too and she had to stop her contact with him.

I am feeling so sad for him but at the same time feeling angry. Not sure what I want from here. This has opened up so many repressed memories. I don’t have a single good memory with him since primary school and I am in 40s. Has anyone been in similar situations?

Have a hug from me…

I think it’s almost harder to lose a parent you have had issues with, than one you’ve had a good relationship with. You have lost them twice, and don’t have the benefit of happy memories to sustain you, so the natural stages of grief don’t apply.

You may need some help from an experienced therapist to navigate this.

In the meantime, I’d love to give you a hug.

((Hug)) OP

💐💐💐

Im so sorry. Sending you peace and love x

Op sending you the biggest virtual hug x

A massive hug from me @Noonetotalk I think @NormasArse has it right, somehow it is so much harder to lose a “bad“ parent than a typically good one because of the knowing that there will never be answers to why you’ve been so hurt. I do empathise and wish you strength.

Thank you so much. Your hugs mean a lot. I have been consoling my aunt, also getting irritated with her crying so much for him. I am going through a lot of stress in my personal life too. So this has come at wrong time for me.

Thank you so much to each of you 🙏

I am in therapy for complex trauma. I will be speaking to my therapist early next week.

So sorry OP. Wishing you peace.

Sending massive hugs OP.💐

I'm so sorry that this is proving so difficult for you OP, and once you've had time to get yourself together, would highly recommend seeking counselling, as it sounds like there is an awful lot to unpack here.

Sending a big, comforting hug your way

Thank you 🙏

Massive hugs. I think it’s actually a lot harder to lose and estranged or difficult parent because there’s just so much unresolved… stuff. I went through something similar last year and it’s tough. I’m sorry @Noonetotalk x

Please excuse my bad language….. but Fuck it! How the hell do they manage to make even their death inconvenient and stressful!? They fuck up your life and then still chuck hand Grenades at you!

I’m really sorry that you never had the Dad you deserved, and also that the one you got was shit. It’s ok to mourn him as the useless fecked he was, and to mourn for yourself, the little girl who never got a decent dad. 💐

I’m so sorry OP - perhaps contact your therapist to see if you can speak sooner. I understand the horrible complexities of a supposed loved one dying and while you should feel sad there’s also a lot of anger.
I hope your therapist helps a lot with this.
And of course your aunt will be thinking of him as a brother and all their memories as children- before he became a bad dad. Her relationship to him will be completely different, albeit perhaps hard to handle.
Have lots of hugs from me

@Noonetotalk maybe your aunt is crying for the relationship she never had with your dad?? And its suddenly hitting her hard? Just a thought x though it must be hard for everyone x

I contacted my therapist but she can’t see me sooner.

My father sacrificed every relationship for a married woman and lived with her family for years which included her husband and 4 kids. He wasted all his inheritance on them and a few years back atole money from another aunt who was not well to find their lifestyle.

Today that family left him in the hospital and no one to claim him body. My aunt who didn’t see him for 9 years, who has mobility issues is dealing with police. It’s all very stressful and traumatic.

He was a man who made rubbish choices. A weak man, who invested in people who didn’t care about him, leaving those who did. It’s both sad and infuriating.

It’ s thoroughly normal to have wild swings of emotion about this- and indeed a big empty space where you feel emotions should be.

It’s a shock. A reminder of how he failed you, and of lost opportunities.

You’ll be ok- just accept it’s going to be a rough ride as you process everything.

Sending you a hug. I’d imagine you’ll have some complex feelings to process so give yourself time. There is no right way.

I’m sending a hug as I too am estranged from my father, for over 30 years and I don't even know if I’ll hear the news when the time comes and inevitably there will be feelings to deal with, feelings I probably don’t know exist!

I just learnt that he was found sitting by a road by some man, who took him to hospital. The women and whose family, for who he abandoned all his relationships and possessions, kicked him out when he was very sick.

My mother sent me a text, and is now complaining that I sent her a short message instead of calling. My mother used to remind me on regular basis how bad my father was to her and that my father ( not her husband or ex) ruined her life. Today she wants a sympathy call from me.

Thank you to each of you for your support.