Finding it hard to manage siblings depression

[SomeLikeitSnot]

Hi any advice welcome including being told I’m being an arse if needed.

I’m one of 2. Older sibling has a child as do I. He has struggled recently with depression- he has a busy job and had a bad experience at work (suicide when he was on shift, he works in a hospital). They also struggled when TTC and their DC was born via IVF and he found that very traumatic. He’s having help for depression but on strong meds and having counselling.

I offer support and offer to have my DN etc. we live 3 hours away so not close by. My difficulty is that now any family plans completely revolve around him. If we all go to my parents I has to be on his terms- when we go, what we do etc. they rarely visit us as they cancel plans last min whenever we make them. My parents help with childcare for their child a lot more than with mine, they do live closer but also to give him a break and support him.

I really feel for his depression but it’s also tiresome always being the afterthought and being dropped like a stone over him. I can’t raise it as I know it’s not really his fault but it still makes me feel like shit to be honest.

You're not being an arse. I have a younger sister who struggles with depression. It is hard. I'm sad to say that we aren't very close, although we do get on. She has a lovely long-term partner, so I'm glad for that.

Over time I have realised that our lives can't revolve around her. We always invite them both to things...birthdays, Christmas etc Half the time they cancel or don't turn up last minute, which is upsetting sometimes, but I don't make a thing of it as I try to understand. Sometimes they do come, which is lovely. So they're always invited BUT we do it in a way that it will work with or without them, so that it isn't just a constant letdown.

You’re not unreasonable in that if that’s how you feel, that’s how you feel. Could you sit down and discuss it with your parents?
However, unless there’s some reason you also need extra support, it sounds like he just needs them more at the moment.
For all the supposed increased “awareness” these days, I actually think a lot of people don’t really understand how serious an illness depression can be.
Maybe your brother has confided more in your parents than you and you don’t have the full picture.
The best thing you can do is talk to them.