To think: Don’t marry for money but make sure there’s plenty around?

[LoveAndLogistics]

I’m not saying relationships should be transactional or that love isn’t important, of course it is. But being in love doesn’t pay bills, raise kids or secure your future. I’ve seen too many people marry purely for romance and end up stressed, struggling or stuck in situations they can’t afford to leave.

AIBU to think that while money shouldn’t be the reason to marry someone, it absolutely should be a factor? You don’t have to be gold-digging to value financial security, it’s just being realistic.

Or is that too pragmatic and unromantic?

There’s nothing wrong with being pragmatic. Love doesn’t conquer all difficulties, and it doesn’t pay the bills.

I think it’s prudent to find someone with a similar financial outlook, attitude to work, and broadly, life goals.

I wouldn’t necessarily expect a partner to earn all the wealth, but I’d hope not to marry one who would burn through everything I earn. And who could be depended upon during times of reduced earnings like maternity leave.

In the years that my partner and I have been together, it has always varied on who is the higher earner. In the beginning, he was in and out of jobs and I was in a stable job, so I was paying for most things. Now, he earns almost 2k more than me a month, so he pays for almost everything. I contribute almost half to rent and bills, and he pays the other (just over) half, and puts the rest into our joint account for us both to spend how we wish, which I only put about £100 a month into.

I think maybe it would be good to think "marry someone with a similar attitude to you".

I would rather have married someone with a low paid job who is a saver/sensible, than someone high flying who is a spender and big risk taker.

It's definitely less about how much money they have and more about work ethic, ambition and attitude to spending. These need to be mutually compatible.

Jobs come and go, sometimes you're the high earner, sometimes they are, but it's the principles they have that matter.

I have advised my dd to ensure that she can earn enough to be able to support herself and any children she may have, and never to put herself in a situation where she is financially dependent on someone else or potentially trapped in an unhappy relationship because she can't afford to leave.

Beyond that, I've told her to pick someone who shares her values and attitudes towards life, supports her to achieve her life goals and adds to her overall happiness.

Yes, I think there's a dofference between setting out to marry a rich man and/or marrying him simply because he's rich and looking for a partner who will be financially viable.

DH was by no means rich, but he was hardworking and would have always done whatever it took to make sure he could provide for his family.

The main lesson for women is to know they can provide for themselves if circumstances change though. DH died and I'd be right up the creek now if I hadnt maintained an in to my career when DC were young (although I did work very PT for a while).

Find someone bright, motivated and ambitious. The rest will follow.
My DH and I have said to each other we’d live in a shed together, because we know that neither of us would allow that situation to continue for very long.

I grew up with little money. Think a rental house that came with a job in an area my parents had no chance of affording local rents, second hand clothes, no holidays - literally 1 in 13 years, second hand car. No money left at the end of the month.
When I married my DH I had no clue of the earning potential of his career. We are now comfortable. However my DH has had a number of mental health breakdowns, my FIL is a very difficult and interfering man, we have moved far away from family.
I don’t think money = happiness. It helps cushion some things.
I think a spouse with drive and determination about their job/career, who makes sensible financial decisions and is loyal and kind is a better option. I’ve seen many women in golden cages. Also financial security means different things to different people. For some it’s 20k in the bank as savings. For another it’s 100k plus.
Marry someone kind, who wants to care for their family, is local and loving and likes a laugh and a joke. Work together to make a life together. Don’t marry someone who doesn’t care about their job or prospects, who is lazy. Gaming online, gambling issues, designer clothes those are all red flags for me. Also meanness towards the spouse. The money should be shared and sensible decisions about purchases made together.

This only works one way though. If a man were to say the same, expecting a woman to have money, there would be a pile on.

Find someone bright, motivated and ambitious. The rest will follow.
My DH and I have said to each other we’d live in a shed together, because we know that neither of us would allow that situation to continue for very long.

Find someone bright, motivated, ambitious (for the same things as you are - whether that is a home or deisgner clothes) AND has the same financial approach. You don't want to be living in a shed because ONE of you was a spendthrift - that way lies loads of resentment.

Exh ws financially abusive. We had plenty of money between us but he was in control and I wasn't allowed to spend, not even my own money. Enough said.

Then had a fabulous relationship, all the spark and excitement you'd want. He was bright, motivated, ambitious in a respected extremely well-paid career. He was tender, kind, faithfull. And terrible with money. Give him £100 and he'd spend it 3 times over, and not realise, or not recognise what was happening. Despite all the love and compatibility, there was no way I could stay with him.

My now dh (of 30 years) is the steadiest, most principled, most responsible man I know. He is generous but not frivilous. He also understand how my previous financial abuse has left me feeling vulnerable at times. During COVID when my income stopped abruptly he immediately stepped up and covered all of our bills. It feels easy to make shared financial decisions. When my parent died we agreed to give most of the inheritance to our dc. When his parent died we blew most of it on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday.

Financial balance and openess doesn't sound like the most romantic of qualities, but it allows us to engage in the rest of our romantic life from a base of equality and security.

I mean that's how arranged marriages iny S Asian community work. I didn"t have one myself but I would never marry a man who wasn't highly educated, ambitious and hard working.

As I have gotten older, I have begun to realise there is a lot to be said for pragmatic marriages between broadly similar partners.

I read somewhere that the number one cause of divorce is arguments over money. Alignment before entering marriage is essential.

Yabu. Money is exactly why we got married. It is a legal contract and we went in woth our eyes wide open.

We'd loved eachother for 10 years beforehand. We still love eachother.

But that's not why we married.

Don’t marry anyone you wouldn’t go into business with! A good marriage is much like a successful business partnership, not romantic, but its whats needed to last the course.

I don't think it is expecting them to have money, more that your individual and shared expectations are within your individual and shared means.

I had an elderly aunt who had a long and successful marriage of over 50 years before being widowed.

I asked her about how they’d met and expected a tale of romance. Instead she told me that she married my uncle because he had good prospects, was earning well, and seemed like a good person to build a successful life with.

Of course, she liked him as a person and thought that he was handsome, but he didn’t turn her knees to jelly or give her butterflies. She had no regrets whatsoever.

I’ve always been in a situation where I can be financially independent and cover all housing expenses myself - I certainly didn’t date or marry for money

Having a similar approach to money and similar expectations is helpful.

I married a man who grew up with money, they were not rich but certainly comfortable, whereas as my parents were divorced and mum scraped by to bring me up. I’ve seen the difference throughout our marriage, I’m careful and want to save everything I can, whereas he buys whatever he wants and is happy to go onto a credit card at the end of the month. It’s been a sight problem throughout, and I have to bite my tongue.

Make sure you can make enough of your own money to support yourself how you want to live.

Then marry someone you love who has the same outlook on life as you.

That way, if circumstances change and you're rich you're rich together and if you are poor you approach it in the same way. 0

I'd say "make sure you can support yourself well enough before considering a partner or children".

Money is important, but I'd never expect someone else to earn it!

Better advice is to just never make yourself financially dependent on anyone. Be it a partner, family or the state. When you see your financial situation as your personal responsibility, you can avoid all the other worries your post is about.

x-post. You beat me to it!

I have a DH but I can say we're both in low paid crap jobs he's not well off by any means it's so stressful when we're literally broke lol