Mate not speaking to me

[mrsbeetobe]

My friend of years isn’t speaking to me anymore and I don’t know if it’s warranted- I think because she’s taken such a drastic approach to this it’s made me question it!

Reason and backstory:

We’ve been mates (let’s call her G) since we were 7, we’re now 46! When we were in our late 20s we both had awful relationships - both quite controlling, hers a lot worse than mine.

I had a male friend in school who was a few years older than us, we stayed in touch completely platonic, he helped me a lot with career stuff and in our late 20s he was a mate, came to my sons 1st birthday etc. He had a business partner and they were looking for someone with Gs qualifications and as G knew my school friend too, it was great. They hired her and she started a relationship with the other business partner. They had a child and he turned very controlling and she left him. My male school friend and I didn’t ever speak about this together.

In 2014, she took me off social media completely, no reasoning nothing but I put it down to her losing a dear friend from another part of her life. I sent her and another friend of ours a message to say that I was sorry to hear and was there anything I could do? Our other friend replied saying that G will respond when she’s ready but sent her thanks. Then came the deletion from social media.

I didn’t pursue it at the time as I was also going through a divorce and thought we were both adults with a lot going on and if she didn’t want to be friends, that was ok.

Throughout the years I had wondered why and missed her, and 8 years later she came up on a different social media platform as people I may know. So I sent her a message to say I I had done anything all those years ago, I was sorry, but it might be good to catch up.

She responded well, and we have been inseparable ever since. Pure best mates. She suggested a marching tattoo even so we did.

A few months ago I posted on LinkedIn about my male school friend yet again helping me with something work related. We’re more distant friends now as I’ve moved an hour away and we speak now and again on social media or about work stuff.

G was furious. Cancelled our plans for the upcoming weekend and hadn’t spoken to me since. She said she was shocked that I was still friends with my male school friend because he was apparently aware of how his business partner treated her.

I said that of course I understood that her ex was awful but that I didn’t even know if my male friend and him were still friends, that’s how much we don’t speak about G and her ex.

She was my only adult bridesmaid a few weeks before this happened, and our photos came in last week, so I sent her some lovely photos of us both. No response.

I’m really upset but I’m not sure what I’ve done wrong really? She disappeared for years so I don’t think it’s right to expect me to cut off people that she links her trauma to? If it was actually her ex I’d understand but I don’t even know how much my male friend knew about what was going on because she’s never told me?

Her reaction is so extreme that I’m questioning myself! Sorry for such a rant of an explanation!

You’re 46, not 6! Can you be annoyed with all this drama! Just let her be and move on.

So your friend dated your other friend's business partner. Business partner abuses your friend, your male friend knew about it, and you and friend lose touch. Then get back in touch and when she finds out you're still friends with male friend, she is horrified and drops contact.

Did you know that male friend knew she was abused? I think it's really shitty if you did.

If you didn't, I understand she wants to not have reminders of her abuser and doesn't want any link to male friend who knew about the abuse.

I think from her perspective you're really tangled up in two shit situations she's been in in the past, and whether she's right or wrong (I think she's wrong) she feels you're not "taking sides" as she'd obviously like you to. I don't think you've done anything wrong, but I do think that for whatever reason you and your friend bring up a lot of bad stuff for her which she is struggling or unable to process - so she's lashed out instead. It could be the same reason she ghosted you in the first place.

Did you ever find out why she was pissed off with you the first time?

She sounds a PITA to be honest. Walk away from the drama.

I find it hard that you've never spoken to your friend about his business partner and your friend (his former employee), who you introduced and have a child together breaking up under acrimonious circumstances.

Your friend is immature though.

Helpful.
So op isn't allowed to be hurt because she's an adult??

What @JudgeBread said.

It does also sound rather melodramatic and mad, though — all the inseparability and matching tattoo stuff.

She sounds a bit volatile and poor in her communication. I couldn’t be arsed with the drama and with her weaponising contact with her, so for that alone I would just call it a day with her.

Matching tattoos is crazy. All sounds really childish and melodramatic, particularly for women in their mid 40s. I’d guess your male friend knew about the abuse and has continued to be friends with her ex regardless and that’s why she’s upset. She should just have communicated that, rather than dramatically ignoring you and all the rest.

She clearly feels hurt by your behaviour and the thoughts from her past it has brought up.

Be interesting to hear her version of events about what you know and did at the time.

YABU to get matching tattoos with anyone let alone someone who ghosted you for 8 years! What were you thinking?

I think this is what I’m struggling with, the lack of communication. I really do understand that she doesn’t want links to her ex, he’s an awful human. But she didn’t tell me that our school friend knew anything until she saw the post, then just cut me off.

I’m not sure any relationship whether romantic or friendship can survive like this

We spoke a bit about it and she said she can’t remember even getting my message of condolences and can’t remember removing me from socials so it was a bit of a non starter so I decided to just put it behind me

To be fair the tattoos don’t say anything like our names, we had a mutual interest tattood which can stay anyway, it doesn’t look friendship specific thankfully

She's a nutter if she thinks you shouldn't be friends with someone who used to know her abusive ex.
So long as he wasn't involved in any abuse it doesn't matter.
Leave her to stew and get on with your life.

I think you are being really unreasonable, actually. G believes your male friend knew his business partner was abusing her and did nothing about it. You continue to be friends with someone who didn't help when she needed it - I can see why she'd feel horribly betrayed by that and not want a thing to do with you.

If you truly didn't know that your male friend was aware G was being abused, then it is a mistake and you could apologise and explain this to G, if you want to try to salvage the friendship. Given you seem to doubt her, I'd leave her in peace and move on.

I agree this is a lot of drama and as it's second time round she's essentially just ghosted you I'd be really questioning the friendship and her investment in it.

At the same time, being generous, she's obviously been through quite a bit of trauma and I can also understand that sometimes when you're in the thick of a crisis you can easily lose track of who knows what and who's involved in what.

So on that basis, and only if you're keen to continue the friendship, I'd send her a message explaining that you really care about her and you know she's upset and would like to meet to talk it through because you value the friendship. If she agrees to meet you I'd ask her to explain her perspective because you want to make sure you understand the full reason why she's distanced herself and you can then take it from there as to whether you feel her reasoning is fair and if you need to make changes or need to defend yourself. At the same time, I would be making it extremely clear that you were extremely hurt when she effectively disappeared on you the last time and this is now the second time where she's ghosted you without any effort to talk to you and sort out whatever was bothering her. Good friends deal with their issues in order to preserve the friendship rather than either vanishing or rug sweeping. And I would tell her that in future you won't be chasing her and if she decides to disappear then you'll respect that choice from afar. I'd also make it clear that while you understand its maybe difficult for her to talk about what happened, she also can't expect you to know what went on without telling you and that x friend has never spoken to you about it and you were not aware of him knowing about the abuse.

At the same time, if you did know that he knew - as in if she told you even without him confirming it, then I think you were in the wrong for not calling him out. I think it depends on the extent he knew, he may have known and not known what to do or felt unable to challenge his business partner on his intimate relationship. It doesn't absolve him and he's not stepped up when he should but I think that depends on what he knew and if he was in any way complicit as opposed to just having a suspicion but not being sure.

I did respond saying I had no idea that our male friend knew anything outside of work, she’s never communicated this to me. But no response

This is really helpful thank you. She’s never communicated what our male friend knew. Like you said it could have been her not realizing who knew what as trauma can throw you like that and she might not know who she’s said what to.

There’s a lot of things to discuss about this, like you’ve said, both of our perspectives, I think that’s what’s frustrating, the lack of talking it through. It might be too much for her I don’t know.

The last message I sent her said I’d breve do anything to intentionally hurt her, and I’m here for when she’s ready. But no response.

Thank you for this response @Lavender14

She cut you off for 8 years and couldn't remember why and you just...let it go?? This friendship was toxic before and is toxic now. She sounds like a drama addict.

Leave it, move on.
This is not a steady and nice friendship.
Plenty more humans out there.

Just tell her the guy said he didn't know the extent of what business partner was like as a sexual partner, that once he found out he was horrified, and that this bloke is a decent person.
That it's a shame she feels she needs to stop the friendship over this.