If you have uninterested parents

[MightyGoldBear]

Seeing all the posts about what presents, stockings or advent calenders to buy children/adult children well into their 30s/40s has got me thinking. I guess it's almost shocked me a little how caring parents can be. It's just not something I've experienced. I certainly want to do the same for my children in a way they want. I can't imagine not wanting to.

I never had that growing up and certainly in my 30s it would be the last thing either of my parents would remotely think of to do for me. Although I do a stocking for my mum. Partly as I know it's something she didn't get growing up and partly my children love to deliver it to her/play a part in the magic.

Does anyone else feel sad they don't have this.
Is there anything you do for your self that fills a bit of that void? I guess I just am wanting to feel cared for and thought of. I do have a husband who does lovely things for me but it just feels different? Although I do very much appreciate I have at least him.

Money is tight so my children are my focus at Christmas so I don't know if treating myself is on the cards or indeed would feel the same?

I really hope I don't come across woe is me. That's not my intention at all. I've had therapy and do accept that's just life and the parents I got. I'm just looking for others who perhaps get it or have found a way to ease a little bit of the hurt and longing? Or its just something I have to live with becausenothing can replace it.

Most of the year it's not overly on my radar, but Christmas and birthdays can be such a powerful reminder of the relationships I don't have.

I get it. I’ve also done lots of work on myself to accept the parents I got though there are till times it stings. Be gentle with yourself and accept that it’s ok to feel your feelings. And then focus on the lovely family you have built. Sending you an unMN hug.

Yes. I have 2 sisters, we are all in our 40s. Every year we are given the same gifts as each other even though we all have wildly different tastes. I have told them for the past 5 years that I want nothing, absolutely nothing but each year they don't listen and get me the same old tat. Last year I got 2 perfumes,the same brand, the same scent because my Mum just picks up stuff she sees, wraps them un labeled and puts one of each in our gift bags with no thought of who gets what.

For as long as I can remember, I have always phoned them or texted them to keep them up to date. Last year I stopped doing it and I've spoken to them 4 times this year. For my Birthday they text the day before to see if I was available for them to "pop in with a card" I wasn't so they just didn't bother putting it through the door. We live 10 mins away. My DD has another set of grandparents who are thankfully wonderful so she gets a lot of love from them.

I ran my first marathon this year (London) after a few years of health issues so it was a big deal, no text to say good luck, no congratulations.

I have 2 friends whose parents are amazing and thoughtful and it really hurts

If you’re buying a stocking for your mother and she’s not buying one for you (even at your age) look up parentification and see if it resonates

If she’s not buying one for you maybe sit down and ask if she wants it from you? If not then boom! Spend that money on buying yourself a stocking.

my mum does it for me since I’ve had kids because she realises how far down the list a mum is. Interestingly she doesn’t and has never done it for my sister because she always asked for really expensive winter boots or similar that my mum just gives her money for. (My sister would never put herself at the bottom of a list!). My mum recognises that she’s also doing it to show my kids how valued their mum is and that they know their mum needs to be made feel special too which I think is really lovely. In reality I rarely get to open my stocking as the kids insist on helping and try to get first dibs at the best present but I think it is important for them to see mum get her turn.

My point being doing it for yourself is also giving something important to your kids.

Yes that is our dynamic. I am planning to further go very low contact so the stocking will naturally stop. I do put in place boundaries so I'm not in that parent role to her. We have golden child/scape goat dynamics at play in the wider family so I often redirect her to my siblings who she supports and parents more.

Ofcourse I am seen as not a very nice daughter for doing this. Inlaws and wider family love to bring out the whole "but she's your mum"
"it's family"
Unfortunately it's just too detrimental to me to be too close or involved with any of my family.

That's really rubbish of them, well done on the marathon that's a massive achievement! 👏

Oh she would say she's fine don't worry as that is her stock phrase but then will feel sorry for herself in a very victim way(alcoholic so will drink) it really is more for my children to see everyone deserves something at Christmas especially women. My husband does my stocking it's really important my children see everyone gets a turn like you say I particularly don't want them to grow up thinking partners/mums just facilitate Christmas or never get gifts.

It's hard and hurtful. I was lucky with my Mum but she died young, I was a young adult. My dad has no interest and never had. Sometimes I try to talk to people and they say oh all men of that generation are like that. But that's not true, they can be more emotionally distant but my FIL is lovely and my sisters FIL is really hands on. My Dad is really uninterested. If you met him I can guarantee you he wouldn't know where I work and would struggle to remember what I do for a living. He has no idea what my hobbies or interests are. I don't remember him ever asking me a question about myself. He doesn't know me at all or want to. It makes me so sad sometimes.

For me, whether or not my parents still did a stocking or advent calendar for me as an adult does not in any way reflect or show if they love me. Just because we buy something for someone else does not in essence show anything. Some parents over compensate by buying their kids stuff, some very loving parents buy their children stuff, it does not really show anything about genuine love and care in my opinion. It's just buying random crap that is marketed at children that people now buy for other adults. That doesn't say anything about love.

No I agree buying something for someone in isolation doesn't indicate love what so ever. My post was more about the shock that some parents do this as well as being genuinely loving interested supportive parents. when I have only ever known uninterested parents who have never wanted to know me or spend time with me. Its not something I can almost comprehend it's so far away from my experience.

My own family are rubbish so I just do the lovely traditions for my husband and children.
My friends family are like the Waltons, it’s exhausting!

I don’t baby my adult children, with Christmas boxes or adventure calendars!
A natural happy medium is what I am for.

My mother is really mean. Kids get nothing. It does sting. I spend little on her now I just cant be assed.

My parents were never interested in my life and never made much of an effort. Birthdays and Christmas were just something that they had to begrudgingly acknowledge to keep up appearances to others before quickly getting back to ignoring their children.

As a teen and adult when I started to recognise how uncaring they were, it was difficult. When you are not cared for by the people that should love you unconditionally, it really does mess your head up. I had a few dark years facing up to their abuse, neglect, coldness etc and I now have no contact with my father and only a little with my mother. Since doing this and with a few other things that have happened in her life, my mother is ‘better’, but it’s too little too late really. I have had therapy to deal with my childhood and issues around my parents which has helped a lot.

I have found that having children with my partner, who is a loving and engaged father, being a good mother myself and seeing my own children being happy and thriving, has been really healing. I have probably gone OTT in many people’s eyes with my children at Christmas and for their birthdays, which is no doubt a reaction to my own childhood. My oldest is in his 20s now and still gets an advent calendar and lots of gifts. We love doing those things for our children, but more importantly, they know we’re here and interested in them every day.

It’s worlds apart from how my parents were with me and my sibling and although I have dealt with it, I still wish I had that support and interest from good parents. I find it hard to imagine what it would be like. It wasn’t to be though so I just try to look forward now and make sure my children never feel what I have going forward. It does still hit me at times though when I hear people being able to rely on their parents and having that closeness with them.

Yeh I am with you, my parents were self absorbed as well and only interested in me when it suited them but it doesn't help my mental health to compare myself or my situation to other people when I have no clue about the motivation for their gifts or why they feel the need to share it on social media. Counselling helped me, social media is just a headfuck in an already confusing situation.

I have been pondering this recently because my dad is so detached it is sometimes baffling.

My mum is caring and would be emotionally supportive but has so much of her own emotional turmoil that she doesn't often have emotional/physical energy to spare and neither does she have finances to spare, so although I very much feel and appreciate her love, I do sometimes feel a bit envious when other people's parents e.g. come to visit them often, are actively involved with the DC, go on holidays together etc. I don't begrudge it because I know that she would love to be able to do those things and it's not her fault she can't.

My dad will occasionally feel guilty and throw money at us which is nice, but mainly it feels like he would only have a relationship with us if it was easy. He has children from his second marriage who as far as I can tell, he is still close to. But they are physically geographically near him and probably make half the effort.

I don't really feel any void I suppose because it's always been like that, so I don't know what there is to miss?

DH's father died a few years ago and his mother has never been anything other than self-centred so he doesn't know what we're missing either! Though he does have a much older sister (and BIL) who looked after him a lot when he was little and they sort of fill in some of the role for us, which is lovely.

My OH and I do a stocking for each other but have an absolute budget limit of eg £50 each. Amazing what thoughtful fun gifts you can get for that using eBay/charity shops etc.

My MIL is very self absorbed. She comes to see us once a year and only lives a couple of hours away.

She puts a cheque in the post for birthdays and Christmas. She has very little interest in her children or grandchildren! You’ll get a birthday text but then it’s all about her and what she’s doing with her day!

This really resonates with me OP. I have the world’s most loving, supportive parents. Like they go above and beyond for me daily and I’m 36 years of age.

My DH grew up with extremely neglectful parents and was in and out of care his entire life. These people (who live approx 15 minutes away) have nothing to do with myself and DH’s lives. They are generally horrible.

I know when we first got together 7 years ago DH found my relationship with my parents strange and probably quite triggering simply because he never experienced that kind of love, support and relationship before, but now he loves my parents as if they are his own, and they dote on him like he’s another son. For example we live nearby and my DH works from home. My mother will regularly drop him over cooked lunches during the week or fresh treats from bakery if she’s been into town. At weekends he takes on hobby projects with my dad building and repairing things in my dad’s garage.

I’m sad your own parents aren’t thoughtful and loving and it’s shit of them. I will say sometimes love and connection can be found in other places and sometimes the family we find is better then the family we start with xx

My parents aren’t remotely interested and moved hundreds of miles away from all their children. My in-laws are in contact twice a year, do nothing, and then my MIL throws a tantrum each Christmas if my DP hasn’t spent a fortune on her because she’s his mother and she wants to look good in front of her friends. They moved abroad too. I feel for our kids because I was v close to my grandparents. I guess it’s life really. It’s teaching me how not to be when older I think.