Be honest - Am I being unfair?

[Witsend40]

Hi all,
Basically we have a reoccurring argument in our house.
I work 4 days per week, do all school runs, order and put away the food shop, pick up the dog mess, feed the dog and cat, prep and cook tea and clean up from it, take the rubbish out to the bins, change the kids beds, hoover top to bottom twice a week, mop the floors, clean 2 bathrooms twice a week, wash 8-10 washing loads a week and iron and put away, look all the finances, all the school paperwork, emails etc.
Husband is self employed, is out at work 5 days a week, puts the bins out, mows the lawns 6 months of the year, cook the odd meal, takes the bins out from time to time, cleans the bathroom he uses sometimes and cleans our bedroom sometimes.
Im pushed to my limit, have no time to myself, go days sometimes without showering, just want to sleep, so when my husband is sniffing around me, it’s the last thing I’m interested in but then it causes massive arguments, I tell him why but still nothing changes. I’ve told him he needs to have more “responsibility” at home but it always stays the same.
Am I being unfair to him?
I’ve got no one to talk to, my life is the same every day, which I am not unhappy about, I do it for our family, but what I don’t appreciate is I get no consideration, especially when I don’t want to perform.

Going days without showering sounds like a different issue all together. Have you thought about speaking to a professional if you have nobody to talk to, maybe even couples counselling. It doesn’t sound a healthy dynamic at the moment and going without washing could be a sign of the beginnings of depression.

Hi OP sounds like you are being used and abused here. Your dh needs to know exactly how you feel how tired you are physically and mentally and that things will need to change.
How old are your kids can you get them to tidy their rooms change their bedding hoover etc.
This is a very unfair dynamic and it's time for change. Yanbu.

Yeah, none of that precludes showering and basic self care.
Think about what would make most value for you, do you want to split all chores evenly. Or is there particular bits that cost you more tIme and energy. Then be specific about your DH taking on that role. Like why are you cooking and cleaning up at night? Do one and get him to do the other. I’ll be honest. I cook and clean up. It was never my intention but I honestly find that by the time I have cooked, I have cleaned up as I go and there’s nothing else to do other than put the used plates and cutlery in the dishwasher. Can your kids walk/get public transport/school buses? Instead of you taking them?
can you get a cleaner if that’s too much for you, buying help has saved a couple of my friends from killing their husband.

You aren’t being fair to yourself if nothing changes and you are being pushed to the limit you need to take agency and make changes including ensuring showering

stoo doing it all make him step up cook and washing for the kids but not for him

I presume the not showering is low mood which isn't surprising.

Clearly this isn't fair, and needs to change.

Sit down and list all the chores. Your goal is to divide them so you have equal time out, so adjust for the hours you work at your jobs.

It's easier to group things - you do doctor and dentist, he sorts out all the insurance, you clean the bathroom and bedrooms, he does the kitchen and sitting rooms, he does the laundry and makes the beds, you do all the shopping and make packed lunches (cooking dinner is a major task and can be divided.

Put all this on a white board in the kitchen, sit him down and tell him that over 3 months you are handing it over till it is equal.

You will have to accept he may not do things to your standards. Give yourself a couple of months to hand everything over so the house doesn't grind to a full stop. Answer key questions but do not give in him acting helpless.

Unfortunately you have to make this happen, because he has no motivation to, but you will feel much better when you do.

You need the "fair play" book and cards so that you can work through a more equitable divvying up of tasks....or couples therapy

It sounds very unfair, BUT. do you both have the same standards re cleanliness?

For example, my wife does no house cleaning at all ,apart from laundry.. But a massive part of that is I want the house cleaner than her. If it got bad she might run a mop over, but it never gets bad enough for her to seek the mop.

As an experiment, why not stop hovering twice a week. He might pick up the hoover in a week or so ?

You need to sit down with him, make a list of all the household chores and divide them up between you. Stop being a martyr and doing it all! Unless you say 'I'm not doing all this any more' nothing will change. It doesn't have to be an argument - the division of labour in your household is clearly not fair. Do something about it.

A shower takes 5min, so I’m sure you can make time for that.
Get a cleaner?
Lower your standards?
Our house survives with only hoovering bedrooms once every 10 days or so, so twice a week seems a lot to me. We have a robot hoover downstairs.
Ironing really necessary? I only do shirts and school uniform, particularly this time of year when everyone is wearing jumpers all the time. Buy stuff that doesn’t need ironing.
But ultimately he’s not pulling his weight, and that’d put me off too.

Stop doing anything for him, including laundry, shopping or cooking.
Can you move to a spare bedroom?
You are being used as a work horse.
He needs to realise this is serious and you are done accepting it.
Tell him you don't want him near you under these circumstances.
Do you want to stay married?
Because if you don't address this, your marriage is on its way out.

It's almost as if a chart of weekly chores split between you is required and it sounds like he may need some motivational stickers like at school too. I don't think you are being unfair or unreasonable. If you are too tired to have a shower, not sure what else he is expecting there if he doesn't help.

Have a shower, get a cleaner, lower your standards. Make a chart.

Fuck that. Why do men not get that women do not want to have sex with men that they have to mother? That it’s deeply unattractive to have to mother a man. Constantly. Why on earth would you want to have sex with someone that you have to mother?

How many children do you have that you are doing 8-10 loads of washing per week????? Sounds excessive to put it mildly.

HOwever, having missed the point entirely you are not at all unreasonable in expecting husband to pick up his share of the load. Create a schedule of mealtimes that you are responsible for - eg you Mon/wed/fri, him tues/thur/sun, and saturday takeout. Ensure that included in that responsibility is the full process of cooking AND cleaning up afterwards. Then work through the rest of the chores in a similar way. If its planned rather than a general, could you pick up some slack, then he can't avoid the problem

You are not being unreasonable (and just to say - there is NEVER a time when it's unreasonable to say you don't want to have set!)

I think you need to have a more focused discussion. Write out the list of everything you each do, as you have done here.

As a starting point, I'd say that whatever tasks you can cover on your non-working day (plus any time your husband is working longer hours e.g. if you doing thr school runs is while he's out at work). But any tasks youre doing once he is at home (or could be at home) need to be split fairly. Perhaps frame it as you both have an entitlement to the same amount of free time as one another, so if he's sat all evening watching TV while you run around doing jobs, that's just not on.

Come up with a well thought out and fair plan, present it to him and then give him the chance to suggest any alternatives that achieve the same objectives.

(I appreciate it shouldn't all be on you to fix the problem, but needs must sometimes.)

Then suggest you trial your new responsibilities for 4 weeks, with a list stuck on the fridge as a visual reminder, and then have another chat to check its all working out okay.

Your list does sound slightly excessive to me (in terms of how much hoovering and washing you're doing) but having said that, most of it is essentials and he is being a lazy obnoxious arse. Would counselling help?

Consider lowering the cleanliness standards. I don’t think you need to clean both bathrooms twice a week, nor do you need to iron (I’ve never ironed and look smart, it’s all to do with how the clothes are put away!) I’d rather shower daily than iron everyone’s clothes…

You’re basically taking on a lot of unnecessary tasks. He, of course, is not doing his fair share too and needs to help more.

Days without showering …. Really? Nothing you say in your op leads to that

however, it does sound like you need a more fair division of household chores

Are you only bringing these issues up with your husband when you’re frustrated he’s wanting sex, or have you actually sat down and told him? Has he refused to help or does he just simply think your happy like this?

I do the lions share of the house work because I work less hours, I’m ok with that. I don’t spend the extra 10 hours cleaning the house that he works. But, he makes tea when he’s at home (works evenings) and tidies up after himself and the kids. I tell him what I want him to do- for example I’ll text him on my way to work ‘could you do a wash and clean the bathroom’, he’ll do it, no problem.

If I’m honest, they sound like day to day tasks. Whats going on on your 3 days off that you can’t find time to have a 5 minute shower or nip for a walk to local coffee shop?

Scale back to quick easy meals- pasta and sauce, chips and egg etc. Iron as you go etc. But most importantly ask for his contribution (not help, it’s his house too!) and move forward from there.

Don’t not wash, there’s nothing on that list that should hinder a 5 minute scrub.

I don’t understand anyone defending him, he is treating you like a maid. He needs to pull his socks up or pay for a cleaner.

They have done studies where they found that when there is an unequal division of household labour and the woman is left carrying the lions share that her libido is reduced. The woman also starts to see the lazy man as a dependent which lowers sexual desire.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9483460/

https://www.psypost.org/when-women-do-more-household-labor-they-see-their-partner-as-a-dependent-and-sexual-desire-dwindles/

This

" buying his leisure with your exhaustion "

He doesnt care about you enough to pull his weight
LTB

To be honest, it's difficult to know if YABU without knowing more information. You say you work 4 days a week but what hours do you work? Your DH is self employed and works 5 days a week but are his hours long?

This would need to be taken into consideration because if you work 9-3pm 4 days a week and he works 7am - 7pm 5 days a week (just for example) then of course most of the household tasks and child care stuff is going to fall to you.

The jobs you list, many of them are just everyday tasks and some of them literally take minutes (pick up dog mess/feed pets/take rubbish to bins/do online shop and put away for example) and are not time consuming jobs. The more time consuming jobs such as cooking/cleaning/hoovering and washing should be manageable with proper time management. Clean up as you go along, for example and stop hoovering upstairs twice a week.

How old are your kids? If they are older than they can be given chores to do to help around the house and be given more responsibility?

Why are you doing 10 loads of washing a week? How many kids do you have?

If you work full time 4 days a week and the hours in the day you work are pretty equal then, even with working one day less than him, you seem to be doing more than your fair share and he is taking the piss.

To all those saying she works one day less a week - honestly all the stuff she lists means she is on all day every day! Doing drop offs, collections, making dinner, 90% of the cleaning and life admin! That is not equivalent to a days work! Be kind to other women!

Just look at some of the things listed - cooking dinner for us usually take an hour and up to half an hour clean up x 7 days a week - you have already gotten the days work eliminated. Just because one person has one day at home a week it doesn’t mean the other person is therefore lord of the manor and can opt out of tasks every evening and weekend- it takes two people to make kids and if you generate laundry you do it! All those little tasks do grate you down, if you are the only one to do them and you are constantly doing them over and over again.

Also 8-10 loads of laundry is not unreasonable, we only have one child and need to do two loads just for bed linen, one for towels, at least two for just my partners clothes, one each for me and my daughter and that’s before we get into swim gear etc. It all adds up.

The guy should wash his own clothes, do his share of the cooking and come up with a more equitable division of the labour. The problem with gender inequality is when women defend the lazy men.

100pc this

Thats a lot of cleaning going on, Two bathrooms twice a week?! hoovering top to bottom twice a week etc, cut down, focus on the messiest room, prioritise self care not house cleaning. Don't neglect your marriage to house cleaning. And yes he should pull his weight but your regime sounds over the top

Are you using not showering as a defence mechanism to avoid unwanted sexual advances?

It's your body so your choice about how often you wash, but it is sometimes seen as a sign of depression to stop caring about yourself.