To not go for brunch?

[Nottodayplease2]

DH and I are newly married and we very very rarely argue. Last night we had an argument. It was very short lived and no one was wrong/right, more just a difference of opinion on emotional matters.

Things were resolved before we went to sleep but this morning but when we touched on it briefly, it came up again, with him reiterating his views from the previous night (albeit kindly, not angrily). The topic was quite specific hence not sharing here as it’s identifying (and not relevant to the post).

We’re supposed to have brunch with his parents today, something we do fairly often. Most weeks. We are both working this morning so we’ll meet at the restaurant and won’t get to chat before then.

I really don’t feel like going. It’s not to punish him in any way, I just feel a bit drained from the conversation and like I’m processing some of the things that were said. Not sure I much fancy having to shake it off and put a smiley face on.

That said, if we had something planned with my family and he cancelled last minute, particularly under these circumstances, i think I’d be pretty peeved!

AIBU to skip it? I’m genuinely not angry with him. Just feeling deflated and a bit tired from the disagreement and might benefit from spending those couple of hours wandering round the shops alone with my thoughts or something.

Is that horribly immature and self serving though?

Just go. Otherwise you may make the argument bigger than it needs to be.

I wouldn’t cancel, it will only prolong the bad feeling. If neither of you are right, and it’s simply a difference in opinion, leave it alone and go for brunch. All marriages have disagreements, try not to see it as a negative, more as your giving each other room to still have your own thoughts and opinions.

Its not your inlaws fault your argued. I assume you get on well with them if this is a regular thing.

You and dh may need a conversation about how you resolve disagreements going forward.

Could you go for half an hour and develop a headache and leave early??

Then if your mood improves and it is going ok you could stick around.

Id also be pretty peeved if I was your DH and also if I was his parents.

Go and plan something this afternoon that you can really look forward to that will get you feeling normal again.

It is going to really impact your marriage if this is your go to response after every disagreement. So finding another way to deal with it will be important for you

Do you need to agree? So is it something like where you are going on holiday where if you don't reach an agreement you can't proceed.

Or is his viewpoint something that concerns you for the relationship eg Women should be responsible for all housework.

Otherwise just move on and accept that sometimes you will have different views on things.

If you’d be pissed off if he did something similar then you’ve answered you’re own question.
You risk turning a small disagreement into a much bigger one and prolonging bad feeling. Sort your head out after brunch.

You have said that you wouldn’t like it if he decided not to meet your family at the last minute. It isn’t fair for you to not go to brunch.

Seems like a lot of navel-gazing over something quite minor. You’ve said yourself it was short-lived and more a difference of opinion than a major disagreement.

I’d say go to the brunch, get on with your day and you'll probably find the distraction will help leaving it all behind.

Go.

Also, either this is NOT minor disagreement that has blown over already and you are in denial OR you are not very resilient. Either way, you should figure that out because married life brings arguments and challenges and you will need to navigate them without going off for a day to recover every time.

…it will be a rocky path for the rest of your marriage if this is the strife you put yourself through around a minor disagreement.

Imagine when some really tough issues come along.. will it be a flounce every time?

You don’t have to agree on everything.

You say you resolved it, but you didn't if he brought it up again in the morning and you want to cancel brunch over it.

I think you need to go to brunch to not escalate the argument, but need to revisit this because it's obviously not resolved. You also need to work on how you handle disagreements in future, just because you don't have them often doesn't mean you can let them fester - a strong relationship is about how you handle disagreements, not not having them.

If it’s a minor issue, why are you still thinking about it. Move on and go and enjoy your brunch.

It does sound as if whatever you disagreed about is more significant than you’re saying. It sounds as if it’s changed the way you think about your husband an bit-otherwise why would you need to process it like this? Could you have a strategic stomach bug or something to give yourself a bit of alone time to think?

I'd go, as pp have said, it will turn a minor argument in to a bigger issue by not going. Hopefully after working this morning you wont feel so bad about things. Meet for your brunch, and then maybe think about talking to your dh again this afternoon/evening.

Sounds petty to cancel brunch. Obviously only you know what the disagreement was about but sounds a bit over the top to need a morning off to process and think it through. It also sounds manipulative and punitive. Sort of “well just so you know next time you opinion doesn’t align with mine expect consequences”

Thanks all. I’ve just messaged him and said I was looking forward to seeing him at brunch. Great advice. Thank you.

As you very rarely argue, it comes as a surprise when you do. It's obviously good that you don't argue, but learning how to deal with disagreements will be invaluable, as you will definitely encounter more along the way.

Sometimes they will be resolved in accordance with your views, sometimes not.

If it's not a hill to die on, and the resolution is reasonable, then move on.

Calling off arrangements with his family when you know you would be annoyed if he did it to you, isn't the way to go and will prolong the argument.

So go to brunch.

This - tbh it sounds like you are having a major sulk, which is far from mature, is it?.

You need to develop a strategy to help you accept you may both have differences of opinions from time to time but, no matter how many times you say that this is not to ‘punish’ DH… you will be, and your PiLs will get caught in the cross-fire.

I genuinely wasn’t. I just felt a bit knackered by it all and couldn’t imagine being all smiles and laughs during brunch.

Perhaps going to brunch, relaxing, having a good time in good company is actually what you need. Be with family. Arguments, it's ok to agree to disagree on some things, this sounds like one of those.

I appreciate you see it like that … and I confess to often feeling that way too when we’ve had heated rows with partner or kids. It’s only after the fact that I realise that I was, on some, level sulking a bit. Or at the very least it was perceived by those around me as sulking - which has the same effect.

I really would go to the brunch, smile it out, but think about ways to de-escalate/diffuse rows a little sooner? It may mean reaching the ‘we’ll need to agree to disagree’ position earlier? I can be a bit of a dog with a bone, so learning to step back has literally taken decades for me to achieve so I know I am a bit of a hypocrite giving that advice!!

There will be times where you have an actual argument right before you’re meant to see someone.

You just have to put on a face and get through it. If anything, it may even ease the tension if you are forced into a situation of acting normally with each other.

Well then don't be. You're not performing seal.

I totally get feeling that way. But the way it will look is not going to appear that you aren't annoyed and are just tired. Either you need to call him and explain or you need to turn up. I suspect I would find I had a nice time once I had gone but obviously you aren't me!

Marriage is just exhausting- it’s bloody hard work but honestly, not moving forward over simple arguments is a slippery sulky slope.

Im glad your going, it’s the right thing to do, it will clear the air. Sometimes after we’ve had a squabble and had to put a face on (for kids, parents, friends…) we end up laughing after at how tedious it all was!