To not want her to come round tonight?

[VeggieMum22]

I have been seeing my partner for just over a year. She lives on her own around 30 minutes away, I live with my 10 year old DD and 1 pet. She met DD a couple of months back and stays over occasionally now.

She has recently been wanting to be here more and more, but it’s a little bit suffocating for me at this stage in the relationship, so I have put my foot down and insisted that she stays at home more.

She went back home yesterday. She has been at work all day (medical field but not an actual medical professional) and has now started hinting that she wants to come over again tonight because apparently it’s been quite a difficult day for her with some of the things that have happened during her shift (some aspects of her job can be upsetting).

AIBU for putting my foot down and saying no?

Firstly, because she won’t get here until gone 11pm and I’m absolutely exhausted from being up early this morning and recovering from a viral infection that I’ve had all week. Secondly, she has only just gone home and we were supposed to be having our own space for a couple of days, she will be back the weekend anyway.

I don’t mean to come across as being cold, but I have noticed a pattern of whenever we spend time apart, something like this will crop up almost as an excuse to see me again before we were next due to spend time together. It feels very suffocating and needy on her end and I feel like I can’t breathe at times.

I think you both want different things and after a year together she might want to spend more time together

Sounds like shes trying to slowly move in.

First post nails it!

It’s a bit sad that she is trying to find excuses to be ‘allowed’ to stay at yours. Put her out of her misery and end it I think.

Given that many people would have moved in together at “this stage in the relationship”, this isn’t the right relationship for you. She possibly wants to progress - moving in etc. you appear to want a girlfriend who visits on occasionz

I think it's natural to want to spend a lot of time together after a year, and perhaps be thinking about moving in together. However, I understand why you want space because I would be the same - I think since I've had children and been separated for a while, I like my own space in my own house and can't imagine having someone around all the time, But she probably wants something different and she isn't wrong to want that. However, she doesn't need to turn up at 11pm.

She spends a lot of time here, she had already been here for several days before returning home yesterday so it’s not like she’s banished!

I have a child, I’m not moving someone new into their home after a year.

It sounds like your needs are different.

I would be firm, but kind
“I know you’ve had a hard day, but tonight I need to rest and stick to the space we talked about. We’ll see each other at the weekend, and I’m looking forward to that, but I’m not up for a visit tonight.”

If she pushes again or uses emotional blackmail reply with
“I understand it’s been a tough day, but my answer isn’t changing. I need this time to rest and have mental health space. We’ll talk later in the week.”

If she appeals to your softer nature once again, be quite forceful.
“Look, I care about you, but I need you to respect my boundaries. Coming over tonight isn’t happening. Please don’t push this.”

You have worded it perfectly, thank you.

What a refreshing attitude.

I think this relationship has run its course - she becoming an annoyance to you and that’s not fair on either of you.

You're not being unreasonable but neither is she, you are just looking for different things from a relationship. You are quite rightly not keen to have her over all the time as you have a daughter, but in some relationships after a year people would be more or less living together. I don't know how you are going to be on the same page about this. She's not doing it to annoy you, she just expects more than you do at this stage.

Awkward situation.

I can understand both sides.
I think if I was her and you told me I couldn’t come over, then I would feel really hurt and probably start questioning how much you like me (but I am v needy).

However, your reasons are totally valid.

Let us know how it goes!!

She is being unreasonable because you've already said shes been there lots and has only gone back home yesterday. She's also not respecting your boundaries which are perfectly reasonable especially with having a child to consider.
Anyone that keeps pushing to cross boundaries is unreasonable.

I think you need to keep your boundaries in place. You have a child and you need to manage their expectations so they don't get anxious that they have time with you too - even if it's just a teenager ignoring you. Don't let someone else dictate that you speed things up. If it's too slow for her she is welcome to leave the relationship. I know it seems unfair but you're not really a single person when you're a parent; she accepts that or she doesn't.

I agree with you about not moving someone in, and I absolutely think you (both) should be perfectly free to say "not tonight" when there are no pre-existing plans.

However, what you've written here takes on a bit of a different cast depending on what your arrangements are re your child. If you, for example, have a 50/50 split with your child's other parent and so plenty of opportunity for you to stay over with your girlfriend or to go away together just the two of you, that's a lot different from a case where you're essentially a single parent and the only way for her to see you without a lot of up-front planning is to come to yours. In the first case, I might say she comes across as little bit too needy (at least for you). In the second case it may still not be a workable relationship, but I wouldn't say her desires or requests are unreasonable.