To think not everyone should “reconnect” with their toxic parents?

[QuietClosureWren]

There’s so much guilt around estrangement, like forgiveness is mandatory. AIBU to think peace sometimes comes from distance, not reconciliation?

Lots of people can only empathise as far as their own life experiences and so will advise you 'oh you need your family'

When actually, you fucking do not 😭😭 and may well be better off without them xx

Absolutely agree. It's different for everyone, but it's perfectly ok to to never make contact again.

I'm low contact with my 80 year old dad. Just don't want to put up with the bullshit any more. He says what he thinks and then blames it on his age 🤔

Having met so many narcissists who criticise their families relentlessly whilst polishing their imaginary halos, I tend to think the majority of people who can’t maintain even an aimiable but distant connection with their family have personality disorders. In which case their families are so very much better off without them.

Haven't seen my df since 1999. Won't be changing that.
Haven't seen dm since 2012 (they have been divorced since I was small).. No fire /flood /medical emergencies will be changing that either.

Family is overrated.
Perfectly possible to enjoy life without.

I find that the so called reconciliation is only possible when both parties to want to achieve it equally. When only one wants it and the other continues being toxic, no reconciliation can be achieved. This applies to all relationships, not just parents-children.

If your parents are toxic, then low or even no contact (depending on how bad the situation is) is best. Unfortunately, blood is not always thicker than water and sometimes even strangers can be nicer and closer to us than our own families.

What’s interesting is that people so rarely say this to parents who are estranged from their children. I am NC with my mum. The number of times people have said, oh but she’s your mum!

I very much doubt anyone is saying to her, but you don’t have any relationships with any of your family. Why haven’t you fixed that? But they’re your children and grandchildren!

Because I have step siblings who are also NC with her and my stepdad and no one ever challenged that. They just joined in talking shit about them and nodding away at all the totally made up stories about how terrible they are. No one ever said, but they’re your children! I’d walk through fire for my children.

My husband is estranged from both his mother and father and all his siblings. Everyone we've told is shocked that he'd cut his family off and that he is awful for doing so. People just don't understand unless they've been through it. Without going into too much detail. His Dad was physically abusive, his mum was emotionally abusive, his sister has a very explosive temper and hangs around with criminals so isn't someone he wants to accociate with. His brothers he'd like to have a relationship with but one brother has profound autism and mum still cares for him so won't let husband see him if he won't have a relationship with her. His other brother was a young child when my husband went NC so he now has no interest in a relationship with my husband now he's an adult.

You might say that about me. I look very normal but I’ve been diagnosed with CPTSD which was trauma in childhood.

It’s like looking at the tip of an iceberg without truly understanding what is underneath.

My DH has a very similar NC situation as yours. FIL has been dead for over 10 years now and they were NC for years before that. DH didn't go to the funeral or see him before he died. MIL and DH have been NC for 20 plus years, same with his sister. They are just not good people. MIL and DH never had a close relationship even when DH was little. It's been so long we don't even know them anymore and have no desire to. Sometimes it's best just to let go.

From both my personal experience of extremely difficult family relationships and my professional experience as a (now retired) psychotherapist, I find this comment a little over-simplified and rather unkind.

Not every family is the same. Some are much harder to deal with than others. For many people who have had some really awful times within their families, it is safer for them to keep their distance. That's not narcisism.

A reaction to the feelings that arise from this can sometimes be a tendency to talk yourself up, or over-gild your life - it's a way of trying to compensate for the unpleasant emotions swilling around inside. That isn't narcissim either.

Furthermore, those people are often shamed by others who don't understand what they are going through.

So if someone mentions that they are no- or low-contact with their family, it's probably kinder just to accept what they are saying and try not to make judgement based on your own experience which will undoubtedly be very different. Show some empathy by responding that you hear what they are saying, but don't try to make them feel that their situation is 'wrong' and 'unusual'.

I recommend anyone to look up the DSM-5 definition of narcissism - there's quite a long list of clinical features before someone can be called a narcissist.

I will never reconnect with my abusive mother. Why would I hand over additional opportunities for her to abuse and damage me?

Cutting contact with my family is the best thing I've ever done. For the first time in my life I've been able to heal and properly relax. Reconciliation is never, ever on the cards for me.

Cutting my mother and step father out of my life 18 months ago was the best decision I ever made. She’d actually pushed it too far and was abusive to my eldest dd who was 28 years old at the time and struggling with her mental health. It was like something snapped in me and I sent her a message outlining the reasons why and blocked her. So many people who knew me thought this was the best thing to do. She’s been abusing me mentally since I was 6. Allowed me to be abused by my other step father. And after finding all the disgusting things he used to use on me hidden behind the bath panel she still sent me to his house for holidays because he was my younger brothers dad and we went together. She used to tie me to my bed and lock me in the cupboard at night when I was terrified to be alone in my room and tried to sneak into her bed for safety. This is the tip of a big iceberg. I sought out her affection and love right up until last year age 51 when I snapped. I live close by to them sadly and we can’t afford to move. I can see their house and they can see mine. I nearly bumped into my dad yesterday as we both walked our dogs the same way. I cried a little as he’s not the problem but he will never go against her. She’s a narcissist and loves playing the victim so most of the family on her side don’t speak to me. Anyway for those that think it’s awful to disown a parent hopefully they’ll see some of us have to for our own mental health and also my physical health because I’ve been holding onto a lifetime of trauma which has resulted in this year being the most unhealthy I’ve ever been.

Yes people havent a clue ah she your mum. Im lowish contact with mine always devious or plotting. I def feel people judge me so I dont mention my mam much now. They wont change at 80 though