Unravelling mentally and can’t cope!’

[NotaTastyVegan]

If you met me in real life, you’d have no idea I’m going through this.

I’m in my late 40s, three kids, professional job. A few people at work know I have ADHD — but not how much it actually affects me.

I’ve also got a health condition that means I need to be near a toilet. Not always possible, which causes a lot of anxiety and sometimes completely ruins my day. I’ve never mentioned it at work because I don’t want to seem like I have too many issues.

I’m on HRT and everything just feels too much in the last two months. Two of my kids are neurodiverse, one’s been really difficult lately. My partner isn’t emotionally supportive (and probably has ADHD too but won’t admit it). We haven’t been getting along — I think like a lot of women, I’ve hit menopause and suddenly see things differently.

Work’s been tough. I’ve got a new manager I don’t know well and she is very methodical.
In now she knows I’m. It lazy but I feel
even more stupid recently around her. my new role is totally different — unpredictable, lots of changing schedules and outside factors. I’m expected to stay organised and adaptable but honestly, I’m struggling. So many emails, can’t prioritise, missing things.
I’ve been unwell for a month and it’s knocked me off completely. I can’t sleep — either the meds keep me up or the cough does. I’ve lost my routines, the ADHD chaos has crept back in, and the work has piled up so much I don’t know where to start. I genuinely feel like I’m unravelling and I’m trying SO hard but at the same time I’m clearly not with executive function.

i can’t keep up with the housework , cooking healthy meals , family commitments and judgements. I’m doing everything badly at the moment.

A friend asked to stay over soon , she is the most organised and in control person I know — the same day I’ve got a big presentation I haven’t even started. That’s already sending me into a spiral even though she’s coming after. I can’t say no as it’s not a big deal and she needs sometimes to stay and this is what friends should do.

Is this normal for everything to feel too much? Does anyone else feel like this?
No one in real life would ever guess how much headspace everything takes. But I don’t do it and is something else- like write this thread.

i want to change. What should i do??

I fell asleep after 2am last night, exhausted. I’ve tried so many things to sleep. On Concerta right now, but not finding it that helpful.
If you’ve read this far, thank you.
Please only reply if you relate, have advice, or just want to be kind

Just say No to your friend. You are not well , she will understand. I have had a breakdown around the menopause so do understand . Sleep is a priority I think. Talk to your dr. There is a medicine called Promethazine that might help. It does sound like this new manager is the main trigger. It’s funny how some people can make us feel that way whereas as others can bring out the best in us.

thank you .

gonna keep shuffling forward through treacle.

guess I have no choice.

I really sympathise, don't be too hard on yourself. I'd try and start small- just get on top of one area and don't worry about the other aspects too much immediately. Getting one area sorted will hopefully give you the motivation to tackle the next thing.

I have been exactly the same as this the past few weeks. This week I finally put my foot down and started saying no to things (dinner out with friends/day trip with another friend etc) and prioritised looking after my self and it has helped. I just needed to give myself some breathing space

Work should be making accommodations for you, why haven't you told them about your health condition? Adding anxiety to your work day for no reason won't be doing you any good. Speak to whoever is in charge of staff wellbeing or able to put accommodations in place and request what you need.

At home - What's DH doing in terms of housework/planning etc? You say he's not emotionally supportive but is he pulling his weight? If you suspect ADHD, then start living like he does, whether diagnosed or not. Don't run your house like it's neurotypical - run it so that it suits your family.

Powering through is not a flex.

I unravelled in quite the spectacular way in the summer. A few days abroad, alone, really helped. No need to talk to anyone and time for my brain to rest and for me to work out what was going on. Once that had worked, I was able to put some strategies into place to help myself including a cocktail of vitamins and minerals, some deadlines for job changing, some boundaries with my ex who had been pestering me, some boundaries with a new friendship that was bothering me, searched for and found a meaningful volunteering opportunity and developed a Vinted habit after wearing the same clothes for years and years. I also committed to losing weight and made some changes to how many hours I work at my side-hustle. I am a new person which has been observed by close friends and colleagues. In short, work out what is wrong and start to put it right. I had stupidly procrastinated for years, prioritising the wrong stuff and falling short in so many ways. I took control. I just wish I had done it years ago.

Wow!!

good on you

Sorry to hear about the unravelling though.

im not being super woman .
infact i am not even able to do what I used to do

l listened to a few motivational podcasts, gave myself a talking to, broke down my tasks ,
write down everything I need to do,
stayed late to get up to date with some work.
spoke to someone at work about adjustment and have a formal meeting soon - which I’m actually not sure is a good thing…

then my husband decided to message me this morning- that he’s been distant and awful cos he’s struggling with stuff- then got annoyed with me and ruined my day.
but I’m not going to get into this now - i want to be positive and successful.
will try to put my phone away and not allow myself to be negative about myself or waste my time.

how do people deal with the noise in the head?
if concerta didn’t work - adhd what worked?!

is it sometimes just the partner? That he’s bringing he so down that maybe that will make everything better?

in real life no one will believe I want to leave and my kids are are critical points in their life so that would be awful.

You’re right powering through is not a flex,
and I am not flexing.

i am saying h am struggling nd what did people do?

I need to live in the real world and not get sacked, be a parent and help my kids organise stuff which I can’t , cook dinners , or just generally function.

I realise I need structure about everything - but now I’m wondering whether I’m depressed?
I don’t like being in my own head.

I have friends , my old friends I don’t see often and when we do - it’s a catch up. In a group.

my local friend is really one person - who knows some of my struggle but not how low I am feeling.

my partner is in his own world dealing with his stuff.
if I said anything he would say - I’m trying to put the attention back on myself - he can see the struggle but I’ve been married long enough to know what he is like .
Funnily enough I actually feel like I could call his best mate and talk to him about it more than him-

I think I have to just have belief in myself, kinder to myself , get help or pay for help if needed and write everything down?

Apologies if my comment came off like you were powering through to show how "ok" you are. It was meant as don't feel like you have to do that.

You are clearly coping with a lot.

OP have you looked at some supplements - if in your 40s, you may benefit from a multi vitamin for menopausal women, for example. I upped my zinc, magnesium, B6 and B12. I also take ashwaghanda which is amazing but probably not for everyone. But it certainly lifted my mood and dampened down the anxiety. Also look at what you eat, think about exercise because they both make a huge difference too to just coping. Getting through life is hard, really hard. I have changed enough to realise that I have to help myself and that I deserve that help and need to prioritise it.

Just wanted to say that it's not just you. I completely relate to almost everything in your OP, except that I'm autistic instead of having ADHD, but a lot of the feelings of unravelling are the same. I left my useless partner and there are definitely no regrets but equally there were lots more stressors on the other side, and it often feels they're popping up like those cut-outs they use on firearms training ranges in US cop shows. I second the advice to sort out reasonable adjustments at work sooner rather than later, and from the pp who suggested taking a few days' time out to identify the really toxic stuff and brainstorm solutions. I carry a notebook around with me so I can organise thoughts and feelings in writing in a quiet moment, which can sometimes bring unexpected clarity. But more than solutions I just wanted to offer sympathy and say I think you're spinning a lot of plates and probably doing better than anyone should have to.Try and be kind to yourself. x

Do you mind sending me exactly what you’ve started?

Yes ,
love the analogy with the cut outs - the thing is I let them just stay there unresolved until there’s so many and they attack me or engulf me-

thank you for this , sometimes everyone else looks like they’re doing v well.
my partner has now said he doesn’t want to go counselling as his mental health is suddenly bad and he needs to focus on himself . when I pushed it he said that I don’t understand.

of course my mental health is a joke - but his is really serious - over the years it’s been always something.

it’s not stopped him planning a huge project that has taken over his whole life mentally and financially- and after work that’s all his done -
my kids have got fed up and started to comment.
he will be spending time away for this.

having a notebook is a great idea - I am constantly trying different things

work has contacted me about a meeting!!!
I’ve got a cleaner booked today too!!

Had a bad day yesterday and didn’t do enough so want to catch up today…
tbh thank you for reminding me to concentrate on myself .