Is my friend BU to want to see me every weekend ?

[Nameydamey]

NC

We are both mid 40s with teen DC. I have a long term partner. We both work FT week days. She wants to do something with me every weekend.

AIBU or is my friend ?

That only happens because you let it though.

Just say after and hour or so "Right, must be off, things to do" and leave. Job done.

If she throws a strop because you've drawn some boundaries, then let her, she's just showing she's not worth your time.

How does she react if you tell her you're busy?

You're definitely unreasonable for apparently being unable to say no. Or after 2 hours saying that you have to leave. Why are you so passive?

She can ask, and you can turn her invitation down. What happens if you say you have other plans? Does she make you feel guilty for not spending time with her? And then you cave for that coffee invite that becomes an all day event…?

If so, you need to learn to stand firm, and stop submitting (and enabling) her requests. She probably will threw a toddler tantrum, and/or make you feel guilty for not putting her first, but it’s perfectly okay to have a social life away from her.Give yourself permission to do so.

Dunno, have you fallen into a pattern of seeing each other most weekends so that she kind of expects it?
I have a friend I see almost every weekend because there's a specific thing we like to do together. So I don't think it's weird, but it has to work for both of you, and you have to say if it doesn't.

She’s not unreasonable to want to see you every weekend, but she’s unreasonable if she expects it - they’re two quite different things.

I’ve recently separated from my husband and yes, I am lonely because many of my friends aren’t very available (marriage/kids). In fact, I’m desperately lonely at times and if there was a friend who I was close to I might want to see them every weekend at the moment even though that’s not my ‘natural’ state per se.

However I don’t expect anyone to be that available - and they aren’t.

It’s up to you to set boundaries that work for you and your availability - if she invites you to do something and you feel like you’ve seen enough of her lately and want a break, then politely decline.

If she has a tendency to turn a coffee into a four hour chat and you don’t want that, then say in advance “Would love a coffee, I have something on later in the day so can only stay until 2pm”. Then leave at 2pm.

It isn’t your friend’s responsibility to manage your boundaries for you, only to respect them when they’re set.

This part is definitely something to work on - just because someone suggests something doesn’t mean you have to do it if you don’t want to…

Why do you feel you can’t manage this in the moment?

Friend: “Oh, while we’re here let’s do XYZ”
You: “Ah, sorry, I can only stay until 2pm because I’ve got things to do at home.”

Have you done that? If so, what was the response?

If not, then this is as much about you working out why you don’t think you can communicate your own needs and boundaries than it is about her.

I don’t think she’s unreasonable for wanting to see you, but you’re also not unreasonable for finding it too much. I think the problem though is, she can’t seem to simply meet for an hour or so for coffee without turning it into a full afternoon.

I don’t think it’s weird for grown women to meet regularly at weekends. My mum is in her early 60s and goes for coffee and cake with her friend every Saturday morning, as my dad plays golf. They skip it if one of them has a big day out or something else planned, but the majority of Saturdays they do this. Similarly my boyfriends mum goes horse riding every Sunday afternoon with one of her friends and they have lunch before.

How can a coffee turn into a 4 hour event - are you waiting for her to bring things to a conclusion, without saying anything yourself?

She's lonely and trying to use you to fill her weekends. You likely have a busy schedule and can't accommodate her wishes. Just tell her that.

To see a friend for half a day or more every weekend is too much, when you've got family needs and teens to consider and it's not a quick thing like workout or breakfast.

@MyNavyPlayer I suggest coffee, she then seemingly gets the idea that I'm free and suggests something else which takes a hell of a lot longer than a 2 hour coffee. She will purposely draw out a lunch for as long as possible.
I recall once I was driving us home, she asked to stop at a supermarket to "get a few things" ... she grabbed a trolley and virtually did a whole weekly shop. We had already been out all day

And you don't say no because....?

Neither of you are wrong. If you both enjoy weekly meet ups that's fine. If you don't, and especially if there's a feeling of expectation from one side.

I had this twice, and when the arrangements ended I was highly relieved both times. Not that I didn't entirely enjoy our meetings, but both used me to alleviate their boredom and would talk at me for hours which left me feeling drained. I thought I'd miss one friend when she left but quickly it was nice to have my weekends back.

Make yourself less available and see her once a month (or less, and not at a set time each month) and then you'll enjoy her company more.

I had a friend like this. We both had no children or a partner. I had to end it because they were just so needy

Me too, I was thinking WTF? I love my friends but expecting them to spend time with me EVERY weekend is ridiculous. Especially when you both have family commitments. Even the expectation of that is a bit out of line. I would also bet money on this person getting pissy when OP says no.

You need to lay down clear and specific boundaries. Eg “I can meet for coffee but I must be back by 12 as I’ve got loads of jobs I need to do at home”.
Always give an end time and then if she’s trying to drag things out, you say “sorry, I did say I really need to get back by 12”. And when she wants to do things like pop into the supermarket on the way, just push back on it - sorry I haven’t got time, I really need to get back home.

You have a partner, I'm guessing she doesn't? Therein lies the issue, I think. She is probably lonely on weekends. Compromise is the key.

The length of time and lack of boundaries is a problem. Nothing wrong with being asked if you fancy a coffee every weekend and you can say yes or no. Have you tried giving a more fixed time slot with the implications that you have further plans that don't involve her afterwards?

@TakemedowntoPotatoCity she has a long distance partner but they don't seem to see each other much at all .. they maybe meet up once every 2 months. He is a good 4 hours drive away.