Ex and holidays etc

[scorpiogirly]

I've posted about this before. For years now we have been doing holidays together for our shared dd 7.

This last time we went on a halloween break to a holiday park with my 2 friends and their 2 kids as we did last year.

Well on the Wednesday all hell broke loose because I made a joke he didn't like. He had a right go at me, would stop. Carried on for ages swearing at me and pointing in my face to the point I started packing and planned on getting a hotel. The next day my dd said she wanted to stay at the caravan so I did and we barely spoke the rest of it.

He disappeared on how own at various points. I ended up paying for everything for her when we usually split it. I took her to the clubhouse and when we got back he had drank nearly a whole bottle of rum. There were cans everywhere. Plates. Mess.

I ended up clearing all that up and kept the caravan ship shape as I wanted to get out of there ASAP on the day we were leaving. Also it was booked in my name.

Anyway I told him this will not be repeated. That I will not be putting myself through this again just so he gets to come with us. Dd was telling him to stop being so mean to her mum which was heartbreaking and she saw him swearing and pointing right in my face.

I've had enough
I've had 7 years of this shit.

Every halloween, Christmas, bonfire night, birthday etc etc etc.

I have made the resolution that he is no longer welcome in my home and that holidays will be taken without him. Christmas I usually let him sleep on the sofa so he can see her open her presents. That will not be happening this year.

He then usually takes her to his dad's late morning to open presents with her cousins. Then they come back here and I do a dinner for him too. I just can't do all this anymore.

I didn't go with them tonight for the display. When he brought her back he started having a go because I didn't hear the door as I was in the bath. I told him I didn't want to argue in front of her and went to close the door but he put his foot in it and arm on it.

Christmas I plan to open presents with her, let him take her for a few hours and then have her back for her dinner and evening. Dinner will be later as it usually is.

The holiday thing is getting me though. He is going to want to take her on his own and it's going to cause issues as she will refuse to go. She doesn't want to go on holiday with him alone. Refuses to sleep at his house even though he seems fine by that anyway. Won't let him bathe her. Won't let him dress her etc for swimming. There is nothing dodgy like that, incase anyone thinks of that.

So i don't know what will happen. Any advice or suggestions much appreciated.

Won't let him bathe her. Won't let him dress her etc for swimming. There is nothing dodgy like that, incase anyone thinks of that

Does she have SN? A 7yo child should not have an adult bathe them, or dress them unless there is SN. If she is typical, then it’s normal she wouldn’t want him to bathe her or dress her at 7yo and it’s really odd that you think it’s normal.

I bathe her as in wash her hair to make sure it's clean as she has really long thick curly hair. She washes herself .

She usually wants help with swimming costumes etc and getting dried off properly. Shes always been like it from a very young age.

Maybe she does want help, but you need to encourage her to be independent and get herself dried and dressed after swimming. Shes 7, not 3

Is he an alcoholic?

Tell him to get a court order. Does he usually have overnights? If not he’ll have to build it up over years, and in a few years she’ll be old enough to make up her own mind.

I would say a functioning alcoholic? Drinks in the house all the time. Actually probably is. As when we're away he will get a can and drink that of a morning and then throughout the day.

He's never had her overnight. She's never wanted to and he's never asked or tried to put it in place.

Way too much enmeshment here. You obviously broke up for a reason so why are you doing these holidays and special occasions together? The harsh reality is that you are not a family anymore and so all of this is completely unnecessary and the conflict is avoidable.

I've done it because he wouldn't have it any other way really. Always INSISTED on being there for everything. Insisted on holidays. I did that for her really but I think it's been more damaging than helpful.

She usually wants help with swimming costumes etc and getting dried off properly. Shes always been like it from a very young age.

She’s 7yo so you need to change that. It’s inappropriate for any adult at this point and no wonder she doesn’t want her dad helping with these things.

At many schools here, kids swim from first year of school, so around 5yo. The expectation is that they manage this all themselves, it’s inappropriate for teachers to help with dressing etc as it’s a safeguarding issue. If there are specific SN that impede age appropriate self-care then an aide can assist but via an agreed written protocol.

She does for the most part. She chooses her clothes and dresses herself. Washes her face and cleans her teeth etc.

I don’t think it’s weird to wash or dry a seven year old with long hair OP.

He won’t get holidays for a good few years. Just say no, and be strong. He sounds awful, don’t let him ruin your holidays with your DD.

Its the hassle I'm concerned about.

He will no doubt ask about staying Xmas eve or coming early in the morning. And when I say no he will kick right off, he has in the past but I've always backed down.

Same with the holidays.

Just not sure how to navigate it whilst avoiding arguments.

Send him a message explaining how you feel and tell him you’ve had enough, like another person said you obviously broke up for a reason and it’s time to move on.

How will he ask? by text or by phone call?

It would probably be in person whilst picking her up probably dropping her off. When I say no he won't let it go and goes on and on and on, then starts arguing.

We split when she was 2 months old. There are no feelings at all on either side.

Could you not tell him by text and then make sure someone else is around when he comes to pick up/drop off or go somewhere neutral so he can’t just stick his foot in the door.
If he continues to do this you need to tell him to stop or your going to report him, this is aggressive behaviour and needs stopped

Hi OP, it sounds like you have given in to him so far because you are wanting to avoid conflict and confrontation?

I would send him an email setting out what you will not be doing from now on and that this is a direct result of his behaviour on your last holiday. I would not be allowing him inside your house again, no joint activities at all and no joint holidays. I would also tell him that you will not be discussing this with him at all at handover, he can email you but you will not respond to abuse or aggression.

Then I would block his number on your phone and let him communicate via email. Don't worry about future holidays etc, just concentrate on setting your boundaries for now. If he responds with aggression or abuse, report him to the police. He needs to see that you are really serious in not taking his shit any longer.

Well said!

It sounds like you're scared of him - worth chatting to a local domestic abuse service? If he's sticking his foot in the door and kicking off you can ring the police. Seems pretty common to have these weird set ups after ending a relationship with an abusive man. I've seen friends totally enmeshed with abusive ex's that just wouldn't leave them alone and I myself did way too many things with my ex to try and keep the peace. When I finally stopped he got really nasty. But it was worth it eventually as my kids now get to see me being happy and relaxed on special occasions.