To say DH was rude!

[RiseOfTheTeenyTinies]

DD is a teenager, she was hanging out in mine and Days room chatting to me. She does get very repetitive and likes to talk about ADHD quite a lot and often repeats the same story. It’s fine to me I just go with what she likes to talk about.

DH just put his headphones in. DD felt unwelcome and left the room.

was DH rude?

Sorry got distracted and forgot to come back.

I think you are right he was in his own room so not rude.

To answer questions; DD is 17, had just come home from work and popped into our room to have a catch up how has your day been type conversation. DH was on his phone deleting pictures to clear memory. He was involved in the conversation but as soon as DD started talking about neurodiversity he put his headphones in.

It was a general discussion, not particularly about her, she is obsessed with all kinds of neurodiversity at the moment and it does get boring but he talks about work all the time which is equally boring and we all indulge him.

Yes DD probably has ADHD but hasn’t been diagnosed, I have it and was diagnosed last year, DS has both ADHD and Autism. DD is considering a diagnosis but hasn’t wanted one previously.

Well, that does sound tedious. If you’re bored by these conversations why don’t you tell her? I don’t think it helps teens, even if ND, not to tell them they’re being boring!

Agree with your last point in particular. My godson is autistic, and really struggled with social interactions (monologuing, pet subjects etc) until in his late teens he turned his considerable intelligence to working out some basic ‘rules’ of social interaction. University was then a far happier experience than school. Not that he necessarily always obeys these rules, and he has workplace adjustments in place etc, but it helped him massively to understand why someone might switch off if he had delivered a lengthy monologue they’d heard several times before.

It’s not doing her any favours to allow her to monologue at you - and I say that as someone with autism who has exactly the same tendency.

She may be ND but she does need to learn about appropriate social behaviour and when to rein in her urge to talk about her special interests. I know I spent a long time boring my mother to tears as a teenager and while I know she thought she was being nice by letting me talk, it didn’t help me in the long run.

There’s nothing wrong with her having special
interests or with wanting to talk about them - but there’s a time and a place and she does need to learn that, or she will experience much worse than someone just putting their headphones in (believe me).

I would maybe start with the basics “look, dad is busy doing X so why don’t we go downstairs for ten minutes and we can chat”. Set a limit, teach her that it’s not okay to just walk into someone’s room
and talk at them - conversation needs to be a two way thing, and needs to happen when both parties want it to.

thanks for the update OP. You need to instill in her (and maybe yourself) a rule that she can knock and pop her head round the door for a "good night" but that conversations have to be elsewhere.

If someone is blethering on next to me while i am trying to relax in my own room, i'm afraid they get short shrift.

I didn’t mind the conversation to be honest and I love her coming into our room to chat. We could have been more considerate of DH I will take that on board.

He does have a voice though he could have told us to go and chat elsewhere.

Anyway noted about her learning some social cues.

You say you don’t mind and that you love her coming in but what about your DH?

For example, does she knock before entering? Check that it’s a good time for her to come and have a chat and offload to you? Or is she just assuming it’s okay and your DH is left without much choice?

I agree your DH should speak up if he’s annoyed but maybe he felt it was kinder to put his headphones in and leave you to it.

No. People are allowed to switch off from what's going on around them in their own home.

You’re not doing her any favours but just nodding and smiling.

You need to be gently teaching her conversation etiquette to prepare her for life as an independent person.

Friends, partners, co workers don’t want to hear her telling the same story over and over and fixating on certain topics.

I mean he could've left the room himself if he wasn't part of the conversation. But equally it's his room and as long as she can put headphones on in her room while he is chatting to you in there, then it's fine.

Why should he leave, though? They could have moved the conversation elsewhere. He was in his bedroom.

Today I cried so much my false eyelashes fell off. I wish I had your problems

How would this have been less rude?

Its his bedroom!!!

What a fuss about nothing. A dad sees his wife and daughter chatting in HIS room and instead of joining in ,he walks out.
He is not being rude. He is being normal. Am sure he chats to her at other times. And why does she talk about ADHD?confusing. No explanation. Does she have it?

If she makes a habit of it then no.

She's a teenager so you do need to start flagging it when she repeats herself or is endlessly cycling the same conversation - it isn't great for her, and anyone who isn't her mum (as this situation demonstrates) will just get bored by her.

He was rude if he stayed in the room (assuming there was somewhere else he could reasonably go) while the apparently private convo was going on without offering to leave and being told it was OK to stay. If there was nowhere else for him to go or if he asked and you both assured him he could stay, then not at all rude.

Maybe I'm out of touch, but are parents not allowed to have ONE room in their houses where they can have some respite from their kids?

I just think it's sad that he didn't try and join in. I guess if he's heard same over and over, it does get tiring, but he could have joined and steered conversation to something you all find more interesting? Putting headphones in a little rude and a bit teenage behaviour.

Their bedroom?

It’s his bedroom too and he was in there before dd! DD could have taken the conversation (or monologue) into her own room. Why should he move elsewhere?

I don't know what the YABU is ..I wouldn't blame him as she wasn't talking to him

Has your dh been assessed at all?

If my son and his dad were in my bedroom I’m already in and they were talking about something they’ve talked about a million times before, I’d stick headphones on to.

Talk about taking child centric parenting to ridiculous levels that he’s considered rude for not indulging his 17yr old talking about something she apparently talks about incessantly.

You would think so but my children wander in and out to the degree I announce when im getting dressed or undressed (tbh they have started doing this too) its like they understand the need for privacy but cant connect the dots