To feel like AIBU has become an increasingly hostile place

[RightyNo]

First of all, I haven’t been on Mumsnet for too long and I’ve NC for this. However is it just me or has anyone else noticed (perhaps it’s always been like this so correct me if I’m wrong), that AIBU has become quite harsh. I feel like I’m constantly noticing pretty harsh words, sentiments and pile ons, even just dramatic takes where things are called abusive etc. This is in addition the seemingly never ending train of “OP leave your husband” over almost any marital fall out. I have also noticed people seem unable to answer the AIBU without giving their opinion on the whole situation or set up when the AIBU might only be referencing one aspect of it.
I find it really frustrating (and yes I know I can just stop using the site if I don’t like it) as so many threads end up derailed by people just piling onto the OP, often seemingly forgetting that they are talking to a real person. I have also found people get quite upset if the OP doesn’t back down and comply with their thought process, citing things like “why even post if you aren’t going to listen” as though AIBU is some sort of legally binding referendum and OP must do as the comments say. There also seems to be a lot of people who view anyone who does something they wouldn’t in a very negative way.
I think unless the behaviour is actually harmful in some way people should stick to commenting on what the OP has actually asked and even then be kind about it and not through out loaded words when they aren’t actually needed.

So AIBU to feel like it’s become quite a hostile place and to wonder why kindness, understanding and humility are in such deficit here?

I’ve been on MN for over 20 years on and off and AIBU has always been the most unkind forum although I agree that it has got increasingly harsh over the years. I took a three year break once after a pile on over something I thought was fairly innocuous; when I thought about it it was a bank holiday weekend and I think people were just bored and being nasty was a bit of fun. I’m more thick skinned these days but would be wary about starting a thread. There are also lots of lovely places on MN full of very kind people (like the cancer threads) so AIBU can be avoided if you want.

It’s seems if you post in AIBU you’re fair game. It’s never been much different however there are times when people have had some brilliant support from genuine posters. Mostly though it feels like keyboard warriors who just want to spout vitriol not caring that there’s a person on the receiving end.

I rarely post here I’ve seen far too often posters op taken completely out of context and given abuse. It seems to be a sport to some.

People are stressed and angry. This stupid govt's tactics with the budget are increasing that tension. People are struggling financially, with their health (rubbish food and too little time to exercise), struggling with overcrowding because of the cost of housing.

So they are blunt. Less patient. They say it how it is. I haven't seen a single unreasonable LTB. Just stories of women working flat out and meeting all child related needs while their dh brings in half as much money, cycles every weekend and expects food suitable for an Olympic athlete to be put in front of him at 6pm daily. The correct answer is LTB. That solves the problem. Why gild the lily?

Maybe we should have been as blunt 40 years ago and there might have been fewer selfish and idle husbands. And fewer exhausted and over-stressed women.

It depends. Sometimes posters just want validation, and this isn't the place to get it. It's AIBU and not "Please tell me I'm not being unreasonable, whether I am or not." If you ask for people's honest views, you will get them.

AIBU has changed in that the number of threads that should really be in Relationships has increased. Really, if posters do this, they're in for some very forthright stuff. Lately there have been a lot of single-post threads, inviting debate but not engaging in it - often goady - that many posters find annoying as they reply in good faith to, er... nothing.
Bar the obvious jokes, I've yet to see a LTB that hasn't been on the money. Just because something isn't easy to do doesn't mean it's not the reasonable thing to do.

As for a "pile-on", what is that really? If someone starts a thread and posters disagree (and accusations of a pile-on are always but always about disagreement with an OP) at what point should they stop? By implication when posters overwhelmingly agree, then that's OK.

There are lots of more specific topic areas on MN full of good advice and a sympathetic ear, yet so many OPs plump for AIBU and then get upset when it does what it says on the tin.

This is the eleventy billionth thread on this subjectT

AIBU has always been robust, it’s not a new thing, it’s been like this for 20 years.

AIBU has always been like that and if you post here you have to be prepared for that. It doesn’t help that it’s the busiest forum so people post things that aren’t meant for AIBU to get an answer and other people get fed up of it. Current threads include someone asking for advice about moving abroad and someone else wanting help with an English assignment for their DC. Clearly been posted for traffic because the boards they should be on aren’t busy enough.

Also - you don’t like that people comment on the whole situation (if there’s relevant information then why wouldn’t you base your opinion on it?) or say LTB - if you post in relationships you’ll get less robust views but ultimately a lot of women are in shitty relationships and probably do need to LTB

I love it when people call abuse "robust" 🤣

Mumsnet is AIBU. There's no point at all in having different talk topics. You're right OP - much of the commentary here is worthy of the Daily Mail comments sections, or the very lowest of the low on Facebook.

I think the issue is that so many of the threads these days are not by real people. The ones that provoke the pile ons are usually deliberately written to provoke pile ons. Unless Mumsnet weeds out the fake threads (which they won't because goady posts = £££) it will always be like this. Sadly it's life rather than AIBU. You see rage provocation all over social media and the gutter press because it makes money.

Oh it’s ridiculous. Try an experiment! Post a problem you have and wait for the pile on and then post it in reverse to be told you’re still unreasonable.

my concern is one day someone will come on here with no where else to go and the nameless/faceless unaccountable abuse will push them over the edge.

I've been on MN (with occasional lapses) since 2014 and AIBU has always been a bear pit of a place. So, no I don't think it is becoming more hostile. About par for the course I should say.

I agree that AIBU has always been vicious. Some posters love to project and let their imaginations run away with them. And then a bewildered OP who wonders why her SIL makes snide remarks is berated for "clearly not liking her very much" and being a mean stuck-up snob. Apparently the snide remarks are justified, because "she wouldn't be mean to you for no reason".

I find that it's unkind in some places but on the other hand many people here also help me either validate my own thoughts or give me another perspective, which is what I come here for 😊