Estrangement from family

[2021x]

There was an interview with Antony Hopkins in which he is gently encouraged to talk about his estrangment from his daughter. https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=YsNif5k98q8

In one of the comments, the poster noted that estrangement isn't about what happened in the past, but that the past behaviour continues without "acknowledgement, accountability or apology" i.e. a change in behaviour.

I am currently estranged from my family, and even though I have told them and really worked on myself , the behaviour still continues. I found AH views as representative of my families view of my behaviour and it was quite frustrating and sad.

Did anyone else see it?

I think he's right though.

Nobody is perfect.

And spending your life constantly flagellating yourself for past mistakes is no life.

Maybe your family were abusive or maybe they were just humans who made mistakes, I don't know but the older I get the more I think that life is too short for simmering resentment and grudges.

I don’t know the details of his estrangement from his daughter but I don’t get the impression that either party want a reconciliation. I’m sure the situation has been the source of a great deal of pain for all concerned over the years and perhaps neither is minded to risk more hurt.

I’m nc with the in laws and wider family. I agree that for me there is not accountability, acknowledgement or apology, just a doubling down on how their behaviour is acceptable.
DH is nc with some and lc with others. There are some he will look to rebuild his relationship with. It’s just hard for him to navigate his way through.
I think as time passes you just get used to life without and in order for a relationship to flourish proximity is important.

I didn’t see the interview, but as I understand what your saying, I think that’s pretty accurate in my own experience.

I am estranged from my mum. She thinks the cause of that is something that she did in the past that I can’t seem to ‘just get over.’

The real reason we are estranged is because she isn’t able to be accountable for that behaviour in the present. For example, is going around spreading rumours about me to deflect from people asking her about this bad thing that she did. Or telling me she doesn’t care about me and doesn’t value having me in her life.

It isn’t about this thing she did 15 years ago. It’s about how her behaviour now is a reflection of not learning anything from the destruction all that caused in our lives. It’s very much about lack of insight and accountability.