Someone else’s time is a gift

[Ontheedgeofit]

AIBU to think that someone else’s time is their commodity much like money and we should be grateful for whatever they are prepared to give us.

Im not sure if I’m going to make sense but this stems from my own DF who has this idea that because people are family (uncles, aunts, cousins, kids, etc) that they should spend time with you. There is nothing wrong with any of our extended family or ourselves and the relationship between us that would make us NOT want to spend time together but my Dad puts so much pressure (a lot of it unspoken and just mumbled and grumbled) on family members to spend time together. As an example, a cousin (my dad’s brother son) has been asking me some questions about our neighborhood with a view to moving here with his young family. I suggested he spend some time here and have a look around which he did. I sent him a message to ask how his thoughts on moving were going and he had just gotten back from a few days here and we chatted about the pros and cons. I mentioned this to my dad and he is incensed that cousin didn’t pop in for a visit. This is just one example of many. The pressure he puts on me to visit this relative or that relative when we visit wherever is close to them is insane. I just don’t understand it. When we have a family get together, it’s fine. But I don’t feel the need to spend time with extended uncles, aunts, cousins etc. and he gets upset when they don’t make an effort to see him or the time they do spend with each other is ‘not enough’.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I’m just frustrated that I was trying to relay a story about the challenges this cousin was having in deciding on where to relocate and all my dad was concerned about was that he didn’t visit. It’s as if a familial title gives automatic visitation rights or duties.

Other people’s time is a gift! And it’s not something you can demand to be spent on you!

My aunt lives in a popular holiday town. We visit there without telling my parents because we will get reminded to pop into so and so or to make plans with so and so while we are there. 🤬

Someone else’s time is a gift
What an insight. Thank you.

Can you tell my dad? He seems to think that just because people are related they are obligated to spend time with him? He would be genuinely upset to learn that it’s not the case.

You refer to my dad with the implication he’s alone. People biologically connected to him do not owe him time or attention. Did he do this for them when they were younger? Is his insistence on this a veiled attempt at filling his time and making him feel significant?

My MIL was like this. But then, she was self important with delusions of grandeur.

I don’t think your Dad will change. You just need to learn to ignore his upset.
People are busy; that doesn’t mean they don’t think of him or care about him.

My dad is not alone. He lives with my mum. This expectation drives me silly. He has no delusions of grandeur. Just that every long lost cousin should visit and make time for him and we should do the same.

I believe that time is like money and that if someone gives you nothing or even a small amount of it you should accept it as all they can afford. You cannot take the time someone has to give you and declare that it’s not enough or they should give you more.

Ironically my dad is not exactly the most dynamic guy either. It’s not like spending time with him is exciting or enthralling… I’m not sure what he expects these cousins to do? Sit and have tea and not have much to say?

He hates shopping but will come along on a shopping trip just to spend time with me and my sister. He will stand at the door of a shop and just watch us shop. It’s weird.

Your dad sounds lonely and the thought of having a close family is very important to him. Demanding that people spend time with him when they want to do something else is unlikely to go down well, but surely theres a compromise.

My dad is not lonely. He lives with my mum in a very busy retirement community. He just has this warped idea about family and what it means in terms of their time and willingness to spend it with him. Myself and my siblings visit often.

One of my teenage memories is going to my grandfathers funeral and my dad using the eulogy as an opportunity to lecture his brothers about the amount of time they dont spend together. Ironically if he wasnt so hell bent on forcing this issue and chilled out a bit then people may want to spend time with him or pop in for a visit. But Im sure it is seen as an obligation and not as an enjoyment which makes it less likely that his nephew is going to want to pop in and say hi....

This is a very hard thing for me to explain. It makes having a relationship with him very hard when it feels as if you are doing something to check someone elses box instead of because you want to for the enjoyment of it.

It sounds quite strange and you are obviously getting wrong-footed all the time. Have you tried saying, Look Dad, our family spends loads of time together but we also have other things to do.'?

I can’t really speak for long distance cousins and other relatives but I often tell him exactly what I’ve said before… other people’s time is a gift that they give you. You cannot demand more than what they are prepared to give. It’s also unreasonable to expect people to visit if you’re just going to stare at them over a cup of tea.

I don’t expect much from this thread. I just need to get it off my chest because it’s driving me silly. I have other relatives from abroad who have planned a trip here and they have been chatting to me about things to do and places to see. I mentioned this to my dad and last night I got a message … ‘will they be coming to see me?’

Just chill out!