Worried grandma, son meeting up with new gf, leaving behind his 3 y/o dd for up to 5 days at a time. Sole custody. Other end of country.

[Starpigeon]

So my adult son has a 3 y/o daughter who he has sole custody for. Mother walked out deciding she didn’t want to be mum and has gone no contact with child. Very sad for all involved. He was evicted from his home as had to give up work to care for her alone. Had to stay in hotels in a different town for around 6 months then moved to a parent and child shelter in home town before finally being accepted for social housing. So granddaughter especially has had very unsettled time this last year. He has now been in new house for around 4 months, he’s messy, won’t let anyone in so knows he has an issue but won’t do what he needs to do. I understand he’s probably overwhelmed. I myself raised 3 children in my 20’s alone after suffering dv from their dad. And am raising another 3 as a 40 something 2 teens (1 with significant special needs,)and a 9 y/o. I help where I can mostly but sometimes it feels like it’s expected of me regardless of how I feel. My son has started to date a lady down the other side of the country he met online. The first time he met her he took gd with him. I had a pop at him and said if I did that to meet a man off the internet with a baby with me there would be uproar and there’s nothing different in regards to risk because he didn’t at that point know for certain who he would be meeting. So the next time he went (3 days) I had grand daughter, he came home a day late after dropping her to mine with minimal belongings and clothes, I went shopping and spent £300+ on clothes and essentials for her. No thanks off dad for that. Then he wanted to go again a month later I said no as I’d already had a convocation with him regarding him demanding for me to look after her while he worked, he wanted me to have her overnight during the week for the whole week, so essentially I look after her for 5 days a week full time and he will pop by before work and have her on the weekends. I did have her a few nights a week at the start of summer hols but had already booked a week away camping with my own children so told him I couldn’t do those weeks, I got the feeling he was expecting me to take her but I said no. That was planned for my own children. He started having his dad look after her, which in itself is a real concern as the man was very violent with me when we were together and had been on and off drugs (anphetamines) for at least 20 years so has periods of psychosis, we have been split up for 20+ years but he tries his hardest to find out where I live. Has told my kids he’s got trackers on my car ect over the course of the last 18 months yet my son deams him suitable to leave granddaughter with him while he goes off for between 4 and 7 days at a time. I’m at my wits end and honestly scared for my granddaughters overall wellbeing. It’s getting to the point I feel like social services should be involved but I don’t want to be the one to make that call. I don’t know what else to do. I have said all of this to him but he doesn’t seem to see the issues. I’ve even had a frank conversation with him about the fact he doesn’t seem to with his actions be a father and told him as much as it would break all of us if that’s what it is he needs to do what’s in her best interest. He cried but nothing improves. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

If they make it to adulthood.Call Social services.

Oh OP what a horrid situation to be in.

You have to put her 1st, and that's to phone social services. And bear in mind, if you were to take her on, they may be able to put support in for you to be able to do so. But please call them - she only has one childhood.

I don’t think social services will do much if she’s being fed, clothed, supervised etc. Takes a lot for them to intervene.

Tbh I’d probably take her as much as possible if I was you, just to keep her safe.

She's got a better chance of a successful placement in a long term fostering family at three years old than if you wait and she's taken into care in a couple of years' time (or indeed a successful adoption with ongoing contact - no reason you and your son wouldn't still have contact after adoption these days, as neither of you are a threat to her).

Would one of your adult children take her on?

The bar for removal never ceases to amaze me. I’m sure the social worker on this thread is right, but being allowed to keep a toddler in this situation (what sounds like an inhabitable house, one parent AWOL, one uninterested parent who chooses to leave the child with his violent drug addict father for days at a time) is unbelievable. No wonder some kids literally never stand a chance. It’s not your fault OP, you sound like a kind, sensible woman and I agree adding a traumatised 3 year old to your situation would be unbelievably hard work. But this kid would likely do better in a stable foster family or being adopted, assuming your other adult DC can’t have her?

Would any of his siblings be in a position to take her in part or full time?

I bet you can’t sleep at night knowing she’s with her druggy violent grandfather 😔

You know you’re going to have to speak to SS. I’d like to think they might support him to buck up.

I’d have her with me op if you’ve space. You all sound like you’re had difficult lives, don’t let it continue for another generation.

This is so sad. She needs a safe and stable home. You need to report him. And tell the full truth about your ex to them . She should not be left with him.
Really i would never normally say this but she needs to be removed from your son .

I absolutely agree with everyone else, you have to call SS. Your granddaughter is being neglected, and her emotional needs aren't being met either. If he's living in a messy home, then it's likely your granddaughter isn't having her basic needs met. Your son is probably carrying trauma from his own childhood, and simply doesn't have the tools to cope with a child. The fact he's leaving his daughter with his violent Father, who's had drug issues in the past (and quite possibly still has) is a serious safeguarding issue. Your son is more interested in his own life and his girlfriend, than he is his own daughter, he doesn't want to prioritise her. At best your son needs help from SS to parent and be a Dad to his daughter, at worst, they deem him unsuitable and remove her from his care. You need to be honest with SS. You can't have your granddaughter live with you permanently and I assume your son's siblings can't either? What about the other set of grandparents, would they take in their granddaughter or do they have no contact? If not, is that through choice or simply they've lost contact because their daughter walked away? It's a desperately sad situation.

Please please call social services. These are her crucial years. She sounds like she’s already had some rough time, no consistent stable love. If this goes on it will completely shape who she is as a person for the worse

Poor girl. The first five years are pivotal and shape your entire life—it's literally the time your brain is wired. She really deserves somebody who loves her and some stability.

If you can't take her then you need to call SS OP. Think of her. Poor kid.

You need to ring social services; your granddaughter is very vulnerable and is being neglected. If you can’t take her in (no judgement here) you need to ring social services and NSPCC and say she isn’t safe.

You need to call social care or NSPCC. Unless when they visit things are very bad they won’t run in and scoop her away (really depends on how bad the house is etc). Even if they do that, he will get an opportunity to make changes and sort things out. If he won’t listen to you. Maybe he will listen to them when he realises that it is a real problem.

he will get offered support and a reality check, both of which it sounds like he needs.

Is there any other family who can step in to care for her? Older siblings or even family friends?

his siblings are not in the position to take her on, neither am I. Maternal grandparents have never been involved. I have however sent him this post so he knows exactly how I feel he already did, I don’t sugar coat when it comes to the big stuff. He thinks I’m out of line and that’s fine. He told his siblings that he’s not going to leave her again to go away and that he’s going to sort the house out when he gets home. He neglected to mention the bigger issue of allowing his father to look after her though. Hoping he follows through and if not then I will speak to professionals about my concerns. I really don’t want to have to go down that route so I’m hoping him see other people’s views might open his eyes that I’m not just nagging at him for no reason and he can see the bigger picture. 🙏

Don't keep giving him chances though @Starpigeon - If you won't do it now, it must be the next time he fails her. Anyone can cry and make promises, it won't help your GD in the end.

Poor poor little girl. Please contact ss. Thank god she has you.

Social services will try to support the child living with the OP as a kinship carer or supporting her father to care for her properly before removing her from the family. That is very much a last resort.

You need to make that call, OP. Sorry, but you can’t take him at his word - someone needs to have eyes on this little girl.

She’s a child at risk and she needs somebody external keeping an eye on her to make sure that everything doesn’t go horribly wrong.

I’m sorry to say, but it sounds like he got bored of fatherhood, and wants to live in the high life. That’s actually quite understandable, depending on his age, because I doubt he expected to find himself a single parent. However, when you have sex, you risk a child and then you have to be responsible for them.

If he's that irresponsible she's not safe with him.

Sorry OP. I think you are wrong to allow him time to sort himself out and only then if he doesn’t contact SS. There is a 3 year old at genuine risk here and you are enabling it at the moment.

He thinks you're "out of line" for raising these for concerns with him. This does not suggest to me that he is going to change in a meaningful way or that he recognises how harmful his behaviour is. Please OP, I really think you should contact professionals now.

You either take her in and raise her as your own or you pull the trigger for social services OP. If you don’t, and she ends up dead, then that’s far worse than being the person who ‘made the call’. It won’t be your fault - her father is abandoning her and she is unsafe.