For not wanting to go along with friend’s change of plan

[Barbarella73]

One of my close friends moved to Australia earlier this year, and will be passing through my city in December, staying for two nights. We had agreed that she would stay with me, and we would have a lovely couple of days catching up. She has messaged me today, with a change of plan. She now wants us both to stay in a smaller city about an hour away for those two days. She has booked a small but luxurious apartment for us, and wants to eat out while we’re there. The apartment is beautiful, and has the most amazing kitchen and panoramic views. She would like this to be our Christmas gift to each other, and we would split the cost. The cost of my share of the apartment rental comes to twice what I would usually spend on her present (£100 - so my share of the rental will be £200). I would be happy to pay this if we could mostly eat and drink at ‘home’ while there - it seems mad to me to spend a lot on this accommodation and then spend a so much time away from it. She would also like to go for scenic walks, shop etc while there. She says that I can say no if I’m not up for it, and she has only paid a deposit so could cancel. AIBU for thinking this isn’t be best way to spend my money so close to Christmas? And how can I tell her that I would rather not when she has researched the city, found a lovely place and booked it?

If she is a good friend she will understand.

She doesn't get to book accommodation and spend money on your behalf without checking with you first. That's just rude. Tell her no.

She booked it without asking you and just assumed you'd be ok spending £200 to stay down the road? Yeah no thanks

She booked without checking that spending that kind of money was ok with you.

Send something like:

That's a no can do. It's too close to Xmas and my budget won't cover any of it. So I'll either see you here like we originally planned or see you next time you visit.

I'd be a bit offended to be honest. Why doesn't she want to stay with you as planned? Is your house a tip? Are you a bad cook?!
Anyway, just say "Sorry Carly, I can't afford that. But if you want to go ahead and stay there I will take a day trip to visit you".

Be honest with her. Tell her you don't want to spend that much but would be happy to stay there and eat in the apartment to keep costs down.

She’s said you can say no, so just say no. She probably booked it on the off-chance it would be taken. I don’t think that’s cheeky, especially as she will be the one potentially losing a deposit if she paid one. My friends and I do this a lot when organising something (not with a deposit, but free cancellation).

Just say you can’t afford it. She shouldn’t have booked it without discussing it with you first. I consider it to be rude to decide to spend other peoples money for them, which is what she’s done.

Why on earth didn't she ask you before putting a deposit down !

I would tell her that while it is a lovely idea, you cannot justify spending that much money just before Christmas. Privately, I think she is being very cheeky spending you’re money this way and hijacking the plans you made.

Yes, this is good. Say no! She said you could, so believe her.

Just tell her you can’t afford it.

YANBU, she has been presumptuous and is trying to browbeat you.

Tell her you can't afford this but you're happy for her to go ahead with the stay on her own.

Yeah the problem here is that she hasn't consulted you on any of this. Hasn't asked you if your okay spending the money, hasn't asked you if you'd like to go here and now she's put you in an awkward position, saying you can say no but making you aware that she'll be losing her deposit. I would say no.

This actually occurred to me as well! She clearly would prefer her plan to staying with me, which is fine in and of itself, but I kind of feel like staying at my place is now a poor second best for her 😔

My place is small but pretty, in an arty area, and I had planned for us to do dinner and drinks, maybe see a show and/or an exhibition. Lots of walks, coffees and chats. I feel a bit trapped now!

She's a cf isn't she? Just tell her your money is all accounted for as it's so close to Christmas..

Thanks for this advice too - telling her I cannot afford it, but offering to take a trip out to meet her sounds like a fair compromise and feels more gentle than just ‘no’.

I’m relieved to be honest, that nobody thinks I’m being unreasonable. These things are so easy to see when it’s someone else - I lose objectivity when it comes to my own stuff.

Thanks to all who’ve replied - I feel so much better now ☺️

More fool her. Never in my life could I imagine researching and booking somewhere for my friend and I to stay, without actually asking them if they wanted to first!
She hasn’t thought about you at all here. She’s done the nicey nicey “let me know if it doesn’t work and I’ll cancel” but you know she’s really hoping you won’t say that. It’s actually quite malicious of her to do all this research/booking/deciding without speaking to you first. It’s her own agenda. It’s what SHE wants to do, and she thinks by telling you it’s all done and sorted, that it’s harder for you to back out of. It’s also quite sneaky of her to suggest doing it for each others Christmas gify. She’s trying to back you into a corner of saying yes.
So please don’t feel bad thinking she’s done a nice thing for you, she’s done a nice thing for HERSELF.

Reply and say you think it’s a lovely idea but you simply don’t have the money right now in the run up to Christmas. I’d say something along the lines of “oh wow this is a bit of a surprise suggestion, I thought we’d agreed you were staying with me? I know you’ve put effort into organising this for us but I wish you’d checked with me first, as I’m sorry to say I just can’t stretch to that amount now, with no doubt having to pay for meals and shopping on top of the hotel. Sorry if you’re disappointed, I just can’t afford it now in the run up to Christmas. Really looking forward to seeing you, if you’re still up for staying at mine!”

Why on earth didn't she ask you before putting a deposit down !.

This. There's no need to come up with an elaborate plan or indeed, reason to be unnecessarily offended. Just be honest!